Love Is Blind, Ep. 2 – Will You Marry Me or Are You Sane?

Hi BAD TVIPs!

Are we all ready for Love Is Blind, Episode 2?

Here's a quick recap in case your subconscious, like mine, is desperately trying to erase this absolute shitshow from your memory:

Some people have been locked in a building they refer to as The Facility. Split into two groups based on the outdated concept of binary gender, the hostages are forced into blind pair-bonding. They must agree to legally sign over half of their assets to their randomly assigned stranger at a forthcoming arcane ritual or remain in The Facility until death. Presumably.

All caught up? Let's go!

Love Is Blind: Episode 2 – Will You Marry Me?

 

No.

The last episode left us on a cliffhanger, as Scientist Cameron and Sweet Baby Angel Lauren prepared to see each other for the first time since agreeing to get married after just six days of the kind of small talk you'd have with a super intense colleague you don't really like that much.

Cameron says that he never expected, walking into The Facility, that he would find his wife.

"To be honest, we kind of thought they were going to kill us."

Both express anxiety about whether they will live up to each other's expectations physically. Cameron says he hopes Lauren's expectations aren't let down, before adding "I don't think they will be."

Cameron, Scientist and Cocky Little Fucker.

 Lauren says she is a nervous wreck.

"I just really hope he doesn't look like a scientist!"

It's the moment of truth! The doors slide open and the couple see each other for the first time.

Cameron looks chuffed to nuts because, duh. Lauren doesn't look quite as sure because, duh.

"Ahh fucking liar, looks exactly like a fucking scientist."

Maybe I'm wrong because they go into a full-on makeout and- hang on... what's this?

What is this strange garden? Is it real? Can everyone else see that?

Why does the garden have no doors? How do you get in? Why are there no seats, only shelves? Is it a small orange museum? Is this where the single people go? Why does it have portholes??

I have so many more questions but I have to take a quick break to throw up in my own mouth a bit.

Never gonna run around and desert you.

At this point, Cameron begins an ongoing habit of whispering sappy bullshit and it has the same effect on me as nails on chalkboard.

If, like me, you find this too unbearable to watch but you kind of want to know what it sounds like, just imagine if a serial killer phoned you up in the night to tell you how excited he is to marry you.

Cameron and Lauren repeat their proposal then have to part once more for... some reason? Something about Mexico?

We see an image of them leaving The Facility but then we're back by the Confusing Conservatory (or Ghostly Greenhouse? Let me know which you prefer, I can't decide).

Was that all a dream? Will they ever be let out?

Will Cameron just leave his ring box on the floor like an entitled millennial?

Back in Peniston, the Men are having some wine.

OH NO I FORGOT HOW FUNNY THIS GUY ISN'T.

Meanwhile, in VaginaVille, the ladies are sat around in silky PJs and fluffy blankets just like us gals do.

"Wait, who the fuck are you?"

With that important business out of the way, it's time to head back into the pods.

Damian and Giannina are some people in The Facility and they are on a date now.

Damian says Giannina gets his little butterflies all turning. "Get out of here, little guys!" he jokes, before repeating in a low whisper: "Get out".

Omg I think he's warning her

Damian claims to be 27 but is clearly 49.

Is he the General Manager of Time?

Damian tells us he just wants to find someone who loves him for everything that he is and everything that he isn't.

Like 27.

Elsewhere - WE HAVE A SLOW-MOTION WALKER. It looks like there's another proposal imminent.

This time, from Carlton, who appears to have been impaled in the head by a lightsaber since we last saw him. Which would actually explain a lot.

I could yell some more about how it's been six days and what the fuck but, at this stage, nothing makes sense anymore and I'm just going with it. I wanna see some unlikeable people begin their happy journey towards divorce and misery, okay?

Diamond is waiting in her pod, dressed up all fancy. Which reminds me, how do the women know when to dress up for their supposedly surprise proposal?

IS THERE A CHANCE THAT THIS SCRIPTED REALITY SHOW MIGHT NOT BE 100% HONEST?

Carlton proposes. For a minute, Diamond buries her head in her hands and I start to have a semblance of respect for her but then she says yes and it's gone.

You will!?

Diamond goes some way to explaining this fuckery by telling us that, on the day of her father's funeral when she was a child, she saw ladybugs everywhere (lady*birds* but, whatever, carry on).

She says she saw a ladybug on the mirror this morning and is taking it as a sign that her father is speaking to her and telling her everything is going to be okay.

In a separate interview, Carlton worries that Diamond will change her mind when she learns about his sexuality. 

I get another momentary twinge of horror at the pure exploitation of this show. Fortunately, Kelly's here to talk about how she put on 40lb two years ago and now wonders if she'll ever find someone who thinks she's beautiful and I go full 'RELEASE THE LIONS' again.

There are lions, right? We can vote to release them now maybe?

She's on a date with Kenny, another pretend 27 year old.

What's he selling? Aging potions?

As some sort of test, Kelly asks Kenny what his favourite childhood book was. Panicking, Kenny remembers the episode of Friends where Joey reads a story to Ross and Rachel's baby on her birthday.

"There was also... another one I liked.. about a... smelly... cat?"

Luckily, that was Kelly's favourite episode of Friends too so he passes the test.

Kenny says he's getting chills.

It is unclear whether they are multiplying.

Excited, Kenny overdoes it.

Wait, what?

You read the baby book Love You Forever three or four years ago?

Like... Benjamin Button?

Anyway, apparently they're in love now. Because of the book thing. And... um... also...

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Back in Vagina-On-Sea, love rivals Jessica, Amber, and LC are discussing Barnett. Amber says it's weird having conversations with him about the important things she would want to do as husband and wife like:

You know how it goes, marriage, house, baby... couple's massage.

She says, in her mind it's not even a question. 

"What's not a question?" asks Jessica.

A COUPLE'S MASSAGE, JESSICA. PAY ATTENTION.

Amber isn't bothered that the other two women like Barnett. She's certain he wants her. He's even on board with the couple's massage!

Basically a fuckin' proposal, babes.

Sadly, Amber isn't the only one Barnett's up for a couple's massage with. He's made Jessica feel like he wants a couple's massage with her too.

But, Jess, listen – did he mention a couple's massage *specifically*?

Convinced that Barnett is going to propose to her, Jessica tries to break things off with Mark on their next date by vaguely talking about 'other connections' she's made.

This goes down well.

NOT!

Mark angrily yells at Jessica that he loves her, which is always a great way to get someone to agree to marry you.

NOT!

Everyone hates on Jessica in this show but essentially what she's saying here is SOMETIMES IT'S MAYBE NOT A GOOD IDEA TO MARRY THE FIRST PERSON YOU MET THROUGH A WALL IN AN UNDERGROUND HOSTAGE FACILITY.

Which is something I think we can all agree on!?

Mark is very Angry and Upset because he thought his marriage to Jessica was a done deal.

Oh honey, give it another 10 years and you'll understand not to take someone seriously when they tell you they love you after their third bottle of wine.

Diamond and Carlton are going to see each other!

Dramatic music playing!

Dramatic music escalated then stops!

The two come face to face. "... Oh wow!" says Diamond.

While leaning as far back from him as possible without doing the actual Limbo.

Still, they walk out hand-in-hand because ladybugs or something.

Back in the DickLand, Barnett and some other guy brandish random sports equipment so you know they are Men.

WHY DOES BARNETT HAVE A GOLF CLUB WHERE IS THERE GOLF

It seems like Barnett has made his decision on at least one of the women he was torn between.

He meets Jessica, who tells us she's ready for him to propose.

He's not wearing a suit and he's not done a slow-motion walk so it's not looking good, love.

Jessica asks Barnett if he still feels the same way about her.

"I don't know," says Barnett.

This goes down well.

NOT!

Jessica storms out in tears.

To his credit, Barnet initially seems genuinely sorry for leading her on.

Then he says this:

HAVE WE GOT AN ETA ON THOSE LIONS?

Back in Vagville, Boobachussettes, Jessica does her best to warn Amber off Barnett, whom she brandishes a 'fuckboy'.

Unfortunately, she attempts this after having the amount of wine that makes you forget how to remain an acceptable distance from somebody else's face.

Drunk and smarting from the rejection, Jessica goes back to Mark and pretends he was the one she always *really* liked.

This is funny if you're English.

She attempts to win him back but Mark knows his worth, people.

You go girl don't you worry about maths that's not important right now

WE HAVE ANOTHER WALKER.

Kenny's slow-mo-ing the shit out of that corridor in his best jeans-and-a-smart-shirt combo.

He looks like he's on that march from Watford station to Destiny.

He meets Kelly in the pods and asks her to close her eyes while he puts his hands over his eyes so they can 'really be in the moment'.

You... are in an empty beige room but k.

He proposes and it's as boring as their whole relationship has been.

Let's skip to them meeting up in the hopes that something more interesting happens!

Curious and dramatic instrumentals!

If I was music, this is what I'd be.

They meet up and ugh they seem to genuinely like each other this is so dull.

NEXT!

Barnett is still trying to make up his mind between LC and Amber. He goes on an intense date with Amber where she reveals that her last partner made her have an abortion and describes how it led to a serious bout of depression.

This is just horrible and sad so let's head back to Knoborough and see what's happening there.

...O-kay.

It looks like it's going to be a three-proposal show because Damian has got a suit on.

Is he... is he gonna...

There he fuckin' goes! Inspirational instrumentals an all!

In the pods, Damian launches into a really weird speech about a box.

Apparently, he's going to give Gigi a box full of things that say it's Damian.

...eh?

He says there's an actual box of his THOUGHTS AND MEMORIES in Gigi's pod.

Like... like a Pensieve in Harry Potter?

I'm sorry but you don't just wrap a Pensieve in Lidl wrapping paper.

He asks Gigi to open the box.

WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

 PLOT TWIST: IT'S EMPTY.

A fake Gwyneth Paltrow head would've been funnier.

Damian says the box is empty because Gigi is now the most important thing in his life and he can't fit her in the box.

MAKES SENSE

Timeout here to appreciate that Damian has never seen Gigi before, she might very well fit in that box for all he knows.

Oh my god, he's still going. Now there's a bow involved??

I can't even begin to transcribe this so I'm just gonna let you guys... you just dig into this one by yourselves, I'll wait.

IS DAMIAN HIGH?

What? Is? Happening? Is there no actual gift? What happened to the Pensieve?? And, I'm sorry, but that is CLEARLY a BOW TIE and has no business being on a gift box in the first place!?

There's no time to contemplate whatever the fuck that was, as Damian gets down on one knee and finally proposes.

Are you actually asking her or is the ring box going to be empty because it's FILLED with your PASSION for MEMORIES?

Giannina doesn't say anything for a really long time, presumably because she's trying to work out if this is a legit proposal or whether Damian is currently on acid.

Finally, she announces, "I want to tell you something..."

AND THAT'S THE END.

Come back next time to find out what Giannina needs to tell Damian!

I hope it's: 'Sorry I can't marry someone who uses bow ties as gift wrap.'