BAD TV: August 2014

I'm not getting drunk this week. That Made in Chelsea hangover was the worst hangover I've ever had.

Previously on Made in Chelsea - (aka. Everything on Made in Chelsea is better with subtitles)

- Rosie and Louise went on a date with two blind guys.

- Rosie felt like a very lucky guy right now.

- And The Statue of Liberty got really uncomfortable.

This week's QOTD comes from Mark Francis, the Marie Antoinette of Made in Chelsea.

Having previously lamented normal people things like sleeping bags, flip flops and dinner parties without flowers, Mark is now turning his overprivileged gaze on hot dogs.

I'm fairly sure that's what this means anyway.

HOLY SHIT WHO PUT BINKY IN CHARGE OF A SHIP?

"AAAARRGGHH I'M NOT USUALLY EVEN ALLOWED TO WALK TO PLACES BY MYSELF."

Cap'n Binks is driving everyone round some water in New York.

Mark Francis is there. He reckons the only place he ever feels truly free -- truly liberated -- is on a boat.

HA.

Try saying that after you've just dropped a box of your own urine everywhere.

The gang clumsily let us know that it's Binky's birthday soon, presumably setting up the end-of-episode-fighting party but who cares because, FEEEEENCE.

I would like a fence for my birthday.

Louise and her literally blind date are walking around near the fence.

Seriously, there's a guide dog and everything.

We cut to a shot of a giant eagle watching over the citizens of NYC...

I assume this is their police?

...before heading over to enjoy the company of two criminally dreadful people.

I'm sick of them already and they've not even said anything.

LucyBot and LucyBot Mk.II are also there.

I've had two quite comprehensive explanations of who this girl is and I still don't really know.

I'm beginning to wonder if Riley is genuinely a failed LucyBot prototype as she's even more expressionless than actual LucyBot.

"Shit, we forgot to program that emotion into her!"

"Which one?"
"All of them!"

They discuss Spencer's budding romance with Miss Candypants but at this point Spencer says the phrase 'You nosies!' and I just... I just have to go away for a bit.

"And then mother says nursie-wursie shall tweat us to all the rice pudding we can eat!"

Elsewhere, Billie is doing boxercise in the park.

She's pretending each pad is the face of her agent or whoever signed her up for this shit.

Naturally, Stevie and Bob are pratting around on rollerblades in exactly the same bit of park so they pop over for a chat.

Then Bob takes his helmet off and something magical happens.

BOB HAS A BOB.

As if Bob's weird medieval haircut wasn't heartbreaking enough, Billie tells Stevie she went on a date with Spencer.

"ROLLERBLADING!!... wait, what?"

Billie also explains that Spencer told her Jamie was gay. Bob informs her that Spencer and Jamie are always playing these pranks on each other.

"Let's play a prank on them!" says Billie, who is 12 apparently.

Bob offers to kill both boys with the poison concealed in his magic ring.

Dammit Bob, why you always gotta go too far?

Having concluded that murder might be a bit much, Billie instead decides (bear with me): to pretend she doesn't know Spencer was joking and to try to set up Jamie with her gay friend Carson.

HOW DELIGHTFULLY SHAKESPEAREAN!

I predict that Jamie and Carson will actually hit it off and this whole shebang will make for a hilarious story to tell their adopted children but we'll have to wait and see.

Since bumping into each other near fences is always trendy, Alik's friend Jules bumps into Alik and Louise on their date for the blind.

"Good to see you!" says Alik (lol).

"You told me you were here..." says Jules.

We've been over this Jules, it's only cool if you bump into each other.

You're supposed to PRETEND.

Jules also asks about Rosie and whether she's looking for something serious or just a holiday fling.

Louise essentially tells him Rosie is DTF, cementing yet another terrible female friendship on Made in Chelsea.

The World's Tiniest Pimp.

Back to Jamie and Spencer's Terrible Apartment for Wankers where the group are discussing Alex's supposed liaison with Jamie's ex, Tara.

Riley astutely points out that the boys are all dickheads so why is this particular dickheadish thing so especially dickheady?

Much to LucyBot's distaste, Jamie replies that Tara was the only girl he's ever really loved.

For God's sake man, don't anger it!

Sadly the girls have *got* to go shopping so they leave before Lucy has the chance to terminate anyone.

I suddenly become very confused by geography.

I thought we were in New York...?

Wherever this is, it's apparently inspiring Stevie's poetry.

'RILEY... IS... SMILEY!' - Stevie's poetry.

Oh God, it gets worse. It's not poetry that Stevie's been writing, it's RAP.

*CRAP.

Stevie rapping is just too painful for words so let's go watch Mark Francis cross a road.

Why did the Mark Francis cross the road?
Because the chicken bought him a dreadful pashmina for Christmas and he had to return it.

Suddenly Mark spots Victoria eating a hotdog and the shock halts him in his tracks.

"Victoria eats??"

Looks like Stevie has stopped rapping so it's safe to venture back to that conversation. Bob uses Stevie's newfound gangsta confidence to convince him to kiss Billie before Spencer does.

Then everyone looks at the floor for a bit.

In Chelsea, this is how you know a conversation is over.

That night, the gang go to a bar where everything is made of gold.

Jamie has tanned accordingly.

Billie's prank kicks off as she introduces Jamie to Carson. Carson flirts with Jamie, causing Jamie to go full Boris Johnson.

"Errghh, well-eghh, frugh, ugh, ha! Bruguhh..."

Then Jamie says he's not gay and everyone has a good laugh and so concludes the world's fastest and most rubbish prank.

"HAHAH I'm gay and he's not and THAT'S FUNNY."

Elsewhere, Claudia Winkleman has recruited the girls to help her practise for a new painting show she's presenting called Paint A Naked Guy.

The girls respond to a naked life drawing model like any well-educated and well brought up young ladies should.

"HahahahaPENIS!"

For goodness' sake, I went to an all-girls school and it's not like I...

Paahahaomgpenis.

C.Winkle also has some wise words for the girls re: dating. Apparently everyone in New York dates multiple people at the same time.

The girls reassure Rosie that this won't be the case with Jules but I'm fairly sure this most certainly will be the case. After all, this is Made in Chelsea and, if there's one thing we can be sure of, it's that rich men are terrible people!

Rosie's not listening anyway. She's concentrating too hard on making sure her neck doesn't collapse under the weight of these glasses.

Surprise surprise, here's Jules voraciously making out with some other girl.

They come up for air and Jules takes this opportunity to tell the new girl how much he likes Rosie.

American people are weird.

But it's not what you think! It turns out that this is Jules' girlfriend and they are actually polyamorists who live together in an open relationship.

I've seen Friends and I'm pretty sure this is not what C.Winkle meant about Americans typically liking to date a few people at the same time.

Back at the bar of gold, Lucy, Carson and Billie are also discussing dating.

Suddenly Stevie pops up behind LucyBot, making her jump.

Stevie has no idea how close he just came to dying.

In order to give Billie and Stevie some alone time, Lucy drags Carson off 'to get a drink'.

Despite being already stood RIGHT NEXT TO THE FUCKING BAR.

Stevie also notices that this is suspicious.

"But Lucy can't drink, it plays havoc with her wiring..."

Anyway he finally asks Billie out and Billie has to say yes because it's in the script.

She doesn't have to look happy about it though.

You know who is happy?

This turtle.

True to his word, Stevie takes Billie on a rowing boat date the next morning.

She stills looks utterly thrilled about the whole arrangement.

We have time for some brief fence before we join Jamie and Binky at a sweet shop.

Well you're there Jamie so, no.

Jamie says he thinks that, when he gets to heaven, it's going to be a sweet shop. Binky says her heaven will be full of healthy curries.

I just think it's funny that any of these people think they're going to heaven.

Elsewhere some people are climbing.

Apparently neon yellow mesh tops, lace blouses and giant gold watches are all appropriate climbing attire.

Ugh it's Rosie, Louise and these guys again.

Tweedledum and Tweedlepolyamory

They talk about the girls' life drawing class. The boys want to know how well-endowed the model was. Rosie says he was 'okay'. "What's okay??" the boys ask.

"I don't know... maybe like... maybe like this?" says Rosie.

She genuinely has no frame of reference.

Back on Stevie's date, Stevie is treating Billie to English food because she has treated him to American food like pretzels and... a few other bits and pieces.

"Did we really not have any other scenes together?"

Basically the only English thing Stevie could think of was Pimms and even that causes him problems.

Stevie is so so bad at dates.

To top things off, he then begins to list famous English summertime things (for reasons only he knows).

Stevie comes up with: shit weather, hay fever and... Pimms again.

All those Richard Curtis movies lied to you about English guys eh, Billie?

Somehow, SOMEHOW, they still end up kissing.

Well, a sort of kiss, where Stevie puts his open mouth on Billie's face and she just... doesn't move away.

I think someone should check what he put in the Pimms.

#FEEEEEENCEwatch

The fences are racking up nicely this episode.

At the RoboApartment, these paranoid androids research humanity via magazines.

"If only we could understand them, we might one day fit in..."

Spencer turns up.

Probably the worst example of humanity they could learn from.

Blah, blah, blah Spencer's annoyed about Stevie and Billie dating, blah blah, piss off Spencer.

She gets it.

Then it's End of Episode Party Time and everyone who's anyone is heading to BinkFest '14!

Everyone.

All the usual Made in Chelsea tropes have made an effort to come out for Binky's birthday, too.

There's close up champagne pouring...

...fake laugher...

...air kissing...

...Lucy looking bored in the background...

SHUT THE HELL UP THOUGH EVERYONE because C.Winx has an announcement.

"It's true guys! I will be taking over from Brucie on Strictly!"

Except HA HA HA HA it's not that. Oh it's not that.

It is so much better than that.

CRAZY EYES IS BACK!

This is the worst birthday surprise ever.

I am seriously baffled as to why everyone thinks this is such a big deal.

Did they all think she was dead or something?

Gabriella sings very loudly for ju-ust long enough to make the whole performance really fucking awkward while Binky does her best to hide her disappointment.