BAD TV: 2014

It's the finale already? It's like all my Christmases have come six episodes early!

Could it be that Made in Chelsea's producers have finally realised that half a series is the maximum amount the general public can take before they start queuing up to throw themselves in the Hudson?

Or did Obama catch wind of what was happening in New York and retract the Idiot Parade's visas immediately?

"The fuck is this? What the fuck is a Binky?"

Whatever the reason, let us not question this wise and fortuitous decision, let us simply sit back and enjoy what is sure to be an epic finale of passive aggressive bitching, Instagram-filtered pictures of New York, painfully fake parties, two-day 'relationships', pretend conversations, close-ups of foodstuffs and Spencer being a massive shit*.

*Any boy from Chelsea being a massive shit.

*Anyone from Chelsea being a massive shit.

*Everyone in this series being massive shits.

Previously on Made in Chelsea:

- Spencer's hair tried to get as far away as possible from the nonsense coming out of his mouth.

"Run awaaaay!" - Spencer's hair.

- Louise made it through a whole series without crying apart from this one time probably.

Schrödinger's tears.

- And Stevie's mind was blown when he discovered straws for the first time.

"This is the best thing I've sucked since my Eton days."

Then it's time to round off the series with one last idiotic quote, this time from New York's resident space invader Alik.

I guess 'Captain Obvious' is slightly better than 'Captain Leather'.

The finale commences, as every other episode, with the boys doing stupid rich people stuff. This week it's jet-skiing.

Spencer takes a moment to give a little salute to the Statue of Liberty.

Meanwhile, Lucy and Stephanie take a huge dog called Meatloaf for a walk.

Why are there never any cats on Made in Chelsea?

Maybe I have finally discovered the root cause of why I don't like Made in Chelsea.

Dog people. Can't trust 'em.

They stop in the middle of the street for absolutely no reason other than to talk about Stephanie's feelings for Stevie.

LucyBot has so nearly mastered her 'interested in other people's feelings' face.

Elsewhere, Louise, Barry Scott, Rosie and RoboRiley go to the most aptly named ice cream parlour they could have found.

Yep.

Riley has a robot slip-up.

"So the humans just stand here and hold this small cone? For what purpose?"

Anyway who cares about ice cream when Bob's got the hairdo of an Anzu wyliei dinosaur?

Told you.

In the unlikely event that you can draw your attention away from that impressive crest, you'll hear Alik blabbing on about falling in love with Louise.

Luckily the boys are there to shit on his parade by assuring Alik that Louise would only get bored of him if he followed her back to England.

"Seriously, she got bored of me cheating on her like *that*."

Back at the ice cream parlour, Louise is also talking about her holiday romance. In fact, she's really upset about leaving New York...

Really upset you say?

Could it be...?

Yaaaaaaaaay!

A series of MiC without Louise crying is like a series of MiC without fence.

Or a series of MiC without a line of increasingly diminishing lamps.

In another bit of New York Ciddy, Billie looks unhappy near lavender.

The Surrey? Jeez New York, get your own posh people place names.

Billie is about to get down to some serious talking about feelings, namely ones that have been hurt by Stevie still having feelings for his ex.

God this show should be called Made in Feelings.

Billie tells Stevie she ain't nobody's rebound girl and stalks off. Yay Billie!

Unfortunately, Stevie gives so very few fucks.

Oh Eff Eff Ess, here's Mark and Binky in a horse-drawn carriage because who said wealth could buy good taste?

If ever there was a time for Cloverfield...

Mark informs Binky that he has had the *revolutionary* idea of planning a boat party on the Hudson to conclude their holiday.

Then the pair continue their carriage trip, riding around Central Park and squawking about bollocks.

"MONEEEEYYYY!"

Over at Jamie's apartment, the poor dear is trying everything he can to improve his I.Q.

Unfortunately, all of that hair bleach has left him brain-dead for good.

Talking of a lack of braincells, young lovers Alik and Louise are spending their precious last days together by... playing with paints.

"L IS FOR LEFT!"

Guess what they're talking about?

It's either feelings or indigestion.

Elsewhere, Rosie reads in the script that she's about to bump into her Polyenemies Jules and Jana so she dresses appropriately for the confrontation.

As a lampshade.

Sadly there's no big fight. Jules simply apologises to Rosie and says he had wanted to reveal himself to her sooner LOL.

Boy, Jana really looks like someone who's happy to be in an open relationship doesn't she?!

In other news, Bob's bob is getting too much for me.

Bob's bob is getting too much for Bob.

Sadly, we have to drag ourselves away from that devastating coiffure because there's some more feelings about to go down as Stephanie and Stevie meet up for a post-Billie-chat-chat.

Oops no, my bad. Just more awkward kissing from Stevie.

Later that night, Louise and Binky head to Claudia Winkleman's place for dinner.

Louise straight up tells C.Winks that this meal would be better if it had truffles in.

"When are you dickheads leaving again?"

Also a dickhead, is Spencer.

Just in general.

Unsurprisingly, he will shortly be meeting Billie for a drink BUT FIRST:

FEELINGS AHOY!

Yep, that's Billie bumping into Stevie and Stephanie on a date. Oh goodie!

It's even more gloriously awkward than you'd expect, as Billie decides to let slip all the fun things Stevie said to her about being over Stephanie.

All delightfully underscored by Stephanie's increasingly outraged expressions.

Stevie storms off in a rage because he's such a Nice Guy, leaving Stephanie in tears and wishing she wasn't in New York right now.

HEY.

Don't blame New York for Chelsea's arseholes.

Then someone murders The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel as Billie heads off to hook up with Spencer instead.

You know you're a bad person when what you've done is so awful that it drives a girl to Spencer Matthews.

END OF EPISODE FIGHTING PARTY ALERT!

This time it's on a boat so fingers crossed for Titanic 2.

The whole gang's there.

Including Indiana Bob and Stevie, who came from his part-time job at Butlins.

Alik is there too and he takes a break from assaulting Louise's face with his mouth to inform Jamie that BOB AND LUCYBOT TOTALLY HOOKED UP OR WHATEVER.

"Robob?!"

Aghast, Jamie staggers off to confront Robob but Robob don't give a shit because Robob is a cold and beautiful thing.

So cold.

So Robob.

Night descends on the party and all the cross-pond couples get sad about their impending separations.

Cheer up guys! A week is a pretty solid innings for any Made in Chelsea relationship!

I'm expecting the whole lot of them to just go ahead and break into a round of fucking 'Summer Loving' to close out the episode, but instead we have to endure yet more Louise and Leather Creepbag.

Not content with a mere summer fling, Louise decides to become Mrs. Creepbag as the pair declare their love for each other, decide to move to Chelsea together and then make out while everyone else watches and cheers.