Love Is Blind, Ep. 1 – Is Love Blind or Is Its Hypertension Just Playing Up Again?

Well, hello everyone.

Welcome back. How are we all doing?

I used to write this blog to cheer myself up back when I had no work and no money so NOW SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY GOOD TIME TO START IT UP AGAIN.

If you, like me, are spending your self-isolated days plumbing the deepest darkest depths of Netflix, you may have come across a little show called:

And, after having to look at these idiots for 11 episodes, you'll wish you were too!

This show was fervently recommended to me by my 'friends', who I can now only assume actually hate me.

If you haven't seen Love Is Blind, I'll let the show explain itself:

Singles try to find a match and fall in love -- without ever seeing each other face-to-face, as emotional connection attempts to conquer physical attraction.

Now I'll explain it:

Okay, so this is basically MSN Messenger if your parents had let you get married.

 Shall we dive in?

Love Is Blind: Episode 1 – Is Love Blind?

If you weren't sure then why did you call it that?

Okay, here we go!

Some people are in cars. They're all looking up for some reason. What are they all looking at?

I am worried they're about to break into Where Is Love? from Oliver.

Does it come from skies above?

We get some sound bites from contestants on why they've decided to take part. Matt thinks this is the 'opposite of what modern dating has become' because our ancestors obviously got to know each other from the inside of a small walled cage and decided to get married after three days because they both liked Charlotte's Web.

Then we have Barnett, who cuts right to the fucking chase.

"It's not all about physical attraction, in the long run," says Barnett sagely.

"It's who's holding your hand on your deathbed." 

Jesus Christ, Barnett.

Swoon.

All right, everyone is moving in now. It's not clear where they're moving in to but the exterior has very Cabin In The Woods With Fairy Lights vibes so I'm hoping for a twee massacre.

Now we get to see inside the building and excuse me what the fuck.

Where can I find the My Fucking Gender Doesn't Define My Fucking Interior Design Tastes Living Quarters?

The contestants (?) (victims?) have started to refer to the building as The Facility, which makes me even more excited that the producers might be taking this in more of a Saw direction.

The hosts arrive! "I'm Vanessa Lachey," says one of them, which seems a normal way to introduce oneself. 

"I'm obviously Nick Lachey," says the other one.

Sorry... 'obviously'?

Wait, is he the guy that was married to that woman who thought buffalo wings were made from the wings of a buffalo?

Vanessa and Obviously Nick Lachey explain the rules of Love Is Blind.

Essentially, The Facility has one line of girl pods and one line of boy pods. When in the pods, the girls and boys can speak through a wall but never see each other.

There are no pods for gay people because only straight people could be this fucking stupid.

Obviously Nick Lachey explains that the contestants will be allowed to choose who they talk to for a bit and then they'll all get married. That's it. That's the premise of the show.

This woman looks worryingly shocked.

This only strengthens my suspicion that these people have been brought here against their will.

We find out that the couples will only be allowed to see each other if they get engaged. After a month together, they'll then have a wedding where they'll either say 'I do' or 'I don't' in front of their friends and families.

I feel like they could just save a lot of time by deciding if they do or don't before wasting a perfectly good wedding venue for the day. Those places get booked up quick is all I'm saying.

Obviously Nick Lachey says that this is the *literally* the first time an experiment like this has ever been done.

SHOCKING.

Just a heads up at this stage, get a good look at these people because I've watched this show the whole way through and you are literally never going to see a good 60% of them ever again.

Seriously, the show follows 12 people and acts like the rest were never there. After the first couple of episodes, they are never shown or mentioned ever again. I can only assume that they're all still in The Facility, locked in pods, screaming 'Will you marry me?' over and over into the endless void outside.

Now that's all sorted - the pods are open! In everybody goes!

I mean, I guess if you like 'Inside of an Elderly Person's Coffin' Chic.

The contestants sit on sofas and casually chat to an unnerving, shimmering, shifting blue wall that looks like something out of The Abyss.

Or, Frozen. If you're LAME.

We get to know some of the contestants a bit better.

Meet Jessica.

My initial understanding of this sentence was that she would date a one-year-old. Grammar is the best, everyone!

Jessica's first date is with Mark, who is 10 years younger than her but who cares because LOVE IS BLIND right??

WAIT IS THAT WHY IT'S CALLED THAT?

Jessica has BHQE - Big Harley Quinn Energy.

She also constantly drinks red wine from a beaker just like me!

They bond over being from the same 57,915 sq mi of land (Illinois) which I'm sure will be enough to sustain a long and healthy marriage.

Next, we meet Lauren...

Lauren is too nice for this show and must be protected at all costs.

...and Cameron. Cameron is a Scientist. He says a lot of people don't think he looks like a scientist and that's funny because what does a scientist really look like!?

Certainly not like an average white guy with a beard, that's for sure!

Cameron further cements his Science Credentials by saying shit like:

Listen, Cameron, none of us are coming to this trash reality TV show to listen to phrases like 'confounding variables'.

Cameron and Lauren bond over the fact that they both sometimes like to go out and sometimes like to not go out.

Page the fucking vicar because I can hear wedding bells.


NEXT!

Meet Amber.

Amber Laughing Snorts is her full name.

Death Bed Barnett is back too. He's hoping to find someone who can 'hang' with his 'jokes'.

For reference, here is one of his jokes:

HAHAHA HE DIDN'T REALLY HATE SPORTS!

Uh oh here comes another one!

OMG BARNETT STOP!

Jessica calls him 'witty' after this exchange and I'm sad for Jessica.

Unfortunately, Barnett's jokes don't go down so well with Diamond. Largely because he calls her a stripper.

TOUGH CROWD, BARNETT.

 Lol who the fuck is this woman? This is the first and last time we ever see her.

RIP (Rest In Pods)

Carlton immediately becomes my least favourite contestant by pretending to fall asleep and then sneaking out of his pod while Amber opens up about losing her dad at a young age.

You know what's actually cool, Carlton? SOCKS.

Then, dating is over for the day and everyone reconvenes in their obnoxiously gendered living spaces to talk about who they totally are gonna like marry omg.

Cameron asks the other men who they're all feeling. 

THERE HE GOES AGAIN!! BARNETT! SERIOUSLY! STOP! MY SIDES, THEY ARE SPLIT!

Awkward Turtle! Somehow, *somehow*,  Jessica, LC, and Amber all like Barnett!

...him?

We also meet Kelly, who claims that she has already met three guys she could see herself spending the rest of her life with. On the first day.

There's no 'probably' about it, Kel!

Over in the Blue Room of Snooker and Penises, this guy admits to being a virgin.

This is his only bit in the whole show.

There's quite a lot more awkward sex talk elsewhere, too.

What the fuck are you talking about? Is this a riddle?

IT'S DAY TWO!

Carlton is being as winsome as ever, asking his date – Diamond – all the important and searching questions.

"WHAT ABOUT ME SPECIFICALLY IS GREAT?"

Barnett also does nothing to endear himself to me by suggesting that there must be something wrong with Jessica because she's single at 34, then slagging off high-waisted jeans.
 

You're a perfectly good ass. I wanted this to sound meaner than it did.

Cameron and Lauren are on a date again.

What is wrong with these men?? It's almost as though they've been raised to believe that the world revolves around them and that society is largely tailored to their needs and desires!

Lauren at least has the decency to laugh at him, although she says she thinks they have Chemistry. Cameron likes this because he is a Scientist.

She asks him what he's looking for in a wife. Cameron responds by talking some more about himself.

Then they both cry because they love their families. 

Me too but just at like the state of modern TV and stuff

IT'S DAY 3! Jessica reflects on how she hasn't had much time for true love in her life. She says it's strange how every second of every minute in The Facility is spent searching for your soulmate.

Apart from the seconds spent drinking wine.

She and Mark are still bonding, despite their age gap. They particularly bond over both being Christian and Mark says he even has a tattoo of a cross on his chest with two empty spaces for the names of his future children.

Then they agree that they both want three kids.

Maths isn't Mark's strong point.

Jessica dates Barnett again too. He asks what she's looking for in a husband. Jessica says 'arms'.

This is ableist.

What does Barnett want?

A continuation of the patriarchy!!

Jessica is confused because she thought she was going to marry Mark but now she's having feelings for Barnett.

You know what they say, Jessica. The third day of a relationship is always the toughest.

Cameron and Lauren are back.

Of course you fucking do.

THEN THIS HAPPENS.

I'M SORRY THE FUCKING WHAT?

EXCUSE ME?

It is DAY THREE.

I took longer to fall in love with Hollywood movie stars when I was 14 than these two have taken to declare their devotion. This is RIDICULOUS.

I think I must have misheard them but then they say it again, this time with added crying.

Stop it everyone shut up I need to lie down

Diamond and Carlton have a really intense date too. Diamond says she thinks Carlton is really getting to know her. She opens up about how she's been hurt in the past and how she feels like she always has to be strong.

'HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL!?" says Carlton.

Come on, man.

Ooh - apparently Carlton also has a secret...

Let's play the... WHAT IS CARLTON'S BIG SECRET GAME!!

a) Carlton's beard is not real
b) Carlton *hates* baby goats
c) Carlton has killed before and will do it again

What's your guess? Send me your answers on a postcard except don't because I don't want your germs.

Oh, he's just bisexual.

****UNUSUAL SINCERE MOMENT, IF YOU WANT MORE LOLS JUST SCROLL ON****

Carlton is worried that his potential future wife won't want to be married to 'someone like him'. It makes me genuinely sad to hear him refer to himself like that. Now it seems like his initial cockiness is a defense mechanism that comes from deep-rooted insecurity about his sexuality. He really seems to think there's something wrong with him.

Carlton, there is nothing wrong with you. Apart from the socks thing.

****END OF SINCERE MOMENT BACK TO THE LOLS****

DAY 5 EVERYODY!

Now it's time for awkwardness in the Menly Men Men's Room. Both Mark and Barnett like Jessica. 

Jessica likes wine.

Hold up, Cameron is walking in slow motion down the pod corridor wearing a suit. 

What- whatcha doin' there, Cameron?

Oh no. 

Cameron...

 Don't you dare.

Oh my god.

 Cameron stop

No, you don't

Seriously Cameron

FOR FUCK'S SAKE

Just a reminder, reader, THIS IS EPISODE ONE.

I mean, Lauren is an intelligent, funny, beautiful woman. She's SMART, Cameron! Of course she's not going to agree to marry you in EPISODE ONE!

FOR FUCK'S SAKE

Are you all-... I just-... I can't-... that's not-... what??

YOU AND ME BOTH, LAUREN. But like one of those weird ones where Ian McKellan tries to steal your talking dog.

Apparently these two *literally* crazy kids can see each other now. I anxiously await the moment Lauren realises that Cameron dOeSn'T LoOk LiKe a ScIenTist LoL.

Meanwhile, Jessica is still wrestling with her feelings for both Mark and Barnett.

Barnett makes things tougher for her by saying he would propose to her tomorrow. He has some conditions, though.

Well yes Barnett because then she would be LITERALLY THE ONLY OPTION.

It's time for Cameron and Lauren to meet!

The show celebrates by slow-panning down to Lauren's boobs.

It's so nice how this show is just all about personalities.

Ugh they really drag this bit out so I'll save you the torture and skip ahead to the reveal.

There's just enough time for Cameron to remind us that he's a scientist...

Yes, dear.

... then we're ready to SEE THEM MEET!

Here we goooo!

Suspenseful music escalates!

It's happening!

 Oh my gaaaaad!

NO FUCK OFF

I hate this show it's amazing. See you for the next episode?