- Louise left her tear-guards on top of her head by accident...
...And the whole country suffered.
- Jamie got the giggles at the word 'spoon'.
"Spooning is happening in my mouth!"
For all your weird flirty face dusting needs.
- And later, Jamie remembered the word 'spoon' again.
This week's QOTD comes from 'Proudlock', who is not -- contrary to what his name might suggest -- a hippogriff.
A hippogriff would never be this sexist anyway.
"I AM PROUDLOCK!"
The episode opens on Biscuit Baron Jamie Laing loitering in a dark alleyway, oblivious to the fact that Death waits patiently in the background.
"Soon."
Oh no, hang on, it's just Phoebe.
Just as bad.
Today Phoebe is dressed as 'Big Bird in the role of Poe's The Raven'.
This Big Bird is definitely deceased. This is an ex-Big Bird.
Elsewhere, Stephanie and Spencer are also on a date but theirs is in a spa.
Being on a date with Spencer is so bad, Stephanie consistently attempts to drown herself.
This cold woman stands in a room.
Of course you're going to be cold in that dress, put a jacket on or something.
Oh, it's a photo shoot for German Sophie's clothing line. Victoria is there too, and the pair discuss modelling techniques.
"It's all about having two arms." says German Sophie.
OH REALLY SOPHIE?
They move on to some clumsy advertising of German Sophie's clothes, which it turns out Victoria is wearing.
In case her skeletal frame wasn't man-repellant enough, Victoria has now also grown spikes around her vagina.
Talking of wearing stuff, Victoria wants to have a fancy dress party for her birthday. Is Victoria's birthday the same as Halloween?
That would explain why I can see her skull.
I wonder why?
Oh yeah.
"I can get you 24,000 gallons but you'll have to rob a train."
After that business is done, he heads back to Phoebe and asks her what she likes in a man.
"Leather jackets." says Phoebe, to Jamie's delight.
She could also have said 'shit versions of Spike from Buffy' and he could have been just as pleased.
That's a good start for Jamie then, as all he has to do to win her over is be capable of dressing himself in a leather jacket.
...Well, I suppose he can pay someone to help him get dressed.
Oh well, never mind Jamie. I've heard Cheska's less picky?
Outside, 'blurry glowing bridge' and 'cars from beneath' tell us it's still nighttime.
Fuck clocks, this is all I need.
At Louise's house, Binky and her dog pay a visit.
No dog should have to endure this much inane conversation.
Call the RSPCA now on 0300 1234 999.
Apparently Binky failed her theory test that morning.
"It's just not fair!" she wails. "I read a bit of the book..."
"I swear I would even talk to my chauffeur sometimes if I could understand a word the bloody commoner was saying."
Anyway, shut up Binky, Louise is tired of your story and wants to talk about herself some more.
She puts the brakes on theory test talk and unsubtly steers the conversation back round to her recent break-up with Andy.
"Oh good, we're talking about you and Andy again. Why don't you start crying now, just to really mix things up a bit."
Just as Louise starts to well up though, she gets a text from her brother informing her that JAMIE AND LUCY slept together before the polo match last week!
The girls then take a moment to act out how they think Lucy might have looked throughout that encounter.
We cut back to the leathered leathery lothario himself, who is giving us a masterclass in terrible conversational skills.
"Blah blah blah blah, was going to play games, blah blah, can't play games with you, blah, want to kiss you, blah don't know how you feel." he blathers.
I would rather date the cow his jacket was made from.
Surely this abject attempt at flirting proves Jamie to be the complete opposite of all the things Phoebe said she wanted from her ideal man?
NOPE!
He's got a leather jacket on and one out of four is good enough for Phoebe.
He's got a leather jacket on and one out of four is good enough for Phoebe.
Uh oh, looks like Louise has decided to intervene.
Either that or this is just the 'get the women and the children to the lifeboats' alert that everyone in Chelsea gets sent any time Louise starts crying.
Louise asks where Phoebe is, and Phoebe says she's with Jamie.
Louise then gleefully informs Phoebe that Jamie has been 'shagging' Lucy.
The whole thing is cut with clips of Binky gloriously overreacting.
GET A GRIP.
No one should ever care this much about anything Jamie Laing does ever.
"So you've been fucking Lucy." says Phoebe, back at the bar.
"I only had sex with her once," pleads Jamie. "I went to her house, nailed a bottle of vodka..."
"And her!" shout Phoebe and I simultaneously.
Phoebe doesn't seem to be enjoying this scene quite as much as I am though.
"Lucy and I can't happen!" shouts Jamie, "She went out with my best mate!"
"And you still fucked her." says Phoebe.
"EXACTLY!" replies Jamie.
"No, wait, that's not right..."
Anyway the revelation seems to have put a stop to this budding relationship, as Phoebe can't get over the fact that Jamie slept with her arch enemy.
I can't get over the fact that Phoebe just called someone her arch enemy.
Who are you, fucking Jafar!?
IT'S DAYTIME NOW!
I think?
YEP!
Daytime confirmed.
Bob and Jamie are leaning on a wall.
Or lying down on a pavement.
Bingo! They were lying down on a pavement. We only find out when they rapidly move out of the way of Unstoppa-Boulle who is attempting to jump over them on a skateboard.
Can't fool me with your clever camera tricks! Eyes like a bloody eagle me, if an eagle had to wear quite strong prescription glasses.
Jamie tells the boys that he slept with Lucy.
Francis is so disappointed in him that he can't even skateboard any more, and walks off shaking his head.
"Show some support Bwweeeelleeggggghhh." says Jamie, which is how he pronounces 'Boulle'.
It turns out Francis didn't walk off very far, instead choosing to dispense advice from a distance like a tiny wise tree nymph.
Perhaps he hopes this will make people think these are not his friends.
Francis reckons Spencer will pretend he doesn't care but will be really pissed off inside.
Either way, the boys decide it's best for Jamie to tell Spencer what he did before Spencer finds out from someone else so he heads off.
On a bridge, this oft-repeated shot of two buses never quite crashing is making Made In Chelsea feel a bit like Vanilla Sky.
These buses will crash in another life, when they are both cats.
JamieLucyGate is obviously going to be this week's tiresome Hot Topic, as Binky and Lucy also meet up to discuss the LaingBang.
Even Lucy's best Pale Man impression can only distract from her shame for so long.
After establishing that it's Stevie's fault everyone knows about the night she spent a-Laing with Jamie, Lucy ponders her feelings for the crumby biscuit heir. She thinks she might actually like him.
Binky soon puts a stop to that though, when she informs Lucy of Jamie and Phoebe's date.
"That little shortbread slut!"
The man himself has decided to take a walk with one of his oldest friends to discuss his problems.
"Don't ask me Jamie, you've really fucked things up this time." - Fence.
After leaving Fence, Jamie goes to confess his sins in the pub.
Where Spencer is waiting, dressed like the first mate of the worst ship ever.
Jamie tells Spencer that he slept with Lucy.
Spencer pretends to not care but is really pissed off inside.
Just like Francis said.
If it wasn't called a reality show, I'd almost think that this was scripted and he knew what was going to happen.
"Your loyalty has just been brought into question, I must say." says Spencer, like he's the fucking king of Chelsea.
Before I have the chance to get really angry, Made In Chelsea quickly shows me some stupid shoes so I can redirect my anger at them instead.
LOOK AT THESE FUCKING SHOES.
They look ridiculous and all they ever do is HURT WOMEN.
Also in the shoe shop are Phoebe, Rosie and Louise.
Phoebe's hair is not taking Jamie's infidelity well.
Phoebe spends a long time talking about what a bastard Jamie is before saying, "I mean we'll hang out more obviously but I don't think I'll ever go there again."
I'm ready for the shoes again.
These shoes are fucking STUPID.
Why would they want to hang out with someone who's been a complete bastard to them??
It's nighttime again and some of gang go to a bar, albeit then sitting at separate tables because none of them are actually friends in real life.
If only they lived in a huge capital city where there were so many clubs and bars that they wouldn't have to bump into anyone they didn't want to see!
LucyBot has decided to run program Warpath, and hunts down Stevie as he enjoys shots with his fellow salesman.
"HI! Are you tired of slow broadband connection? Have you heard of the new BT Infinity fibre optic broadband!?"
Lucy tells them she's very happy with her broadband thanks, and doesn't think it could get any faster.
"Oh Lucy... let us introduce you to the Home Hub..."
Lucy really isn't interested in being sold anything, she wants to confront Stevie and Sam about why they were gossiping about her.
"Because it was really good gossip." says Barry.
"Whateverrrrrr." says Lucy walking off, thus concluding the most boring confrontation of the show so far.
Okay so program Warpath needs some work.
In the same bar, Fran is keeping up her promise to not date Alex by going on another date with Alex.
Fran, you are the worst at not dating Alex.
It looks like she won't have that problem much longer though as Alex seems to have lost interest.
"Don't be so flirty with me in front of Phoebe." he says.
"You're just easy to flirt with." says Fran.
"....Anyway, moving on..." says Alex.
Frankward.
Just behind them, new characters Belle and Tiff greet Stevie and Barry.
'Belle Tiff' is also the name for when you have an argument over the phone.
Belle and Tiff both drawl that they'd looooove a gin and tonic. In fact they pretty much say exactly the same thing at exactly the same time for the rest of the conversation.
They also laugh a lot. At nothing.
I don't... what's so funny?
Is it because you have the names of Disney fairies?
As if Alex and Fran's date hadn't gone sour enough, Binky comes over to say hi and Alex proceeds to chat her up.
"I've just moved in down the road from you." he says to Binky, "You should come over."
"Oh, and you too Fran." he finishes reluctantly.
This is so Francomfortable.
If that's not enough awkwardness for you, Jamie also arrives at the same bar and is immediately summoned by LucyBot.
"Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha." says Jamie, by way of greeting.
He also tries to kiss LucyBot but her pneumatic neck is having none of it.
Rosie slinks off, leaving the two to have a conversation that is literally 80% staring.
At the end, Lucy gets a bit tearful and tells Jamie he can leave if he wants to. "Okay." he says. "Good." she replies, as though some sort of agreement has been reached.
...What the fuck just happened?
Are they telepathic??
Are they telepathic??
A saucy flash of daytime fence tells us it's the next morning...
...where we find Jamie and Alex doing weird wrestling.
If I didn't know any better, I'd think they were mating.
I believe, however, that aristocrats can only do that with cousins.
I believe, however, that aristocrats can only do that with cousins.
They take a break for a bit and Alex explains that he likes Binky now. He also has a problem; he invited Binky to his house for dinner but also invited Fran.
Jamie advises him to lie to Fran so that she doesn't come over. Alex decides to take his advice.
Because Jamie is so good at juggling two girls.
In yet more awkward situations that wouldn't happen in real life, Spencer's current girlfriend Stephanie goes for a drink with Spencer's ex-girlfriend Louise.
Then Phoebe also turns up, probably because she was the only other one free for this particular shoot.
Although it looks like she had to run from a production of Cats to get there and sustained a serious head injury while doing so.
It seems she's here to claim Binky's title as the Architect of Awkward, as she begins to question Stephanie on Spencer.
Cue anguish-face from all involved.
#Fencewatch!
One fence, one blurry lamp. Good haul.
Talking of Binky, she's now in a salon having her hair fiddled with by someone pretending to be a hairdresser.
Those tongs aren't even on.
Lucy turns up and Binky casually dismisses the hairdresser in his own workplace.
I'm too scared to even tell my hairdresser when they've cut my fringe wonky.
Binky says she's going for dinner with Alex and that she thinks she might like him. Talk then moves on to Lucy and Jamie and their 'conversation' last night.
"Basically I pissed him off and he left, because I wasn't talking about my feelings." says Lucy.
You weren't talking about anything.
Binky decides it's high time Lucy was honest with Jamie about her feelings. "It's not fair on him!" she declares.
Yeah Lucy! It's not fair on Jamie! How can the poor little sausage be expected to not put his little sausage into everyone and everything unless you tell him about your feelings?
"Tell him at the Bollywood party." says Binky. "Take my advice."
Because it really worked for Binky when she told Jamie her feelings at a party.
Cheska's still on the show!
And she's not single anymore!
...Haha, no, no I'm kidding. Obviously.
...Haha, no, no I'm kidding. Obviously.
She is helping Fran pick something to wear to the Bollywood party. They also discuss Alex and it is painful.
Just as Fran is getting all giggly and happy about him, Alex texts her to say that dinner is off because he sustained a rugby injury at his playdate with Jamie.
Frantastic to Mel-Fran-choly in the space of one text :(
"I bet you anything he sent the same message to Binky." says Cheska.
Yeah whatever, Cheska. You're just happy to have found a friend who's as unlucky in love as you are.
Talking of Alex, his rugby injury was so bad that he was only able to prepare a candlelit romantic dinner for two.
Dinner for three would have been just too much of a strain.
Binky asks where Fran is.
"She couldn't make it." replies Alex, the lying little scrote.
Luckily Binky doesn't actually give a flying fuck where Fran is anyway.
#Fencewatch!
The Dark Knight-time fence.
Elsewhere Jamie meets Bob and Francis to tell them he told Spencer about Lucy (ZZZZZZzzzzzz).
He declares his actions to be very out of character.
"LOL." say Bob and Francis.
After that pointless sojourn, we're back to Binky and the Pain on their date.
Alex isn't very good at being deceitful and immediately tells Binky the real reason why Fran isn't there.
Then it's Binky's turn to do her best Pale Man impression to scare Alex off.
"Fuck off you creepy lying weirdo!"
At least, that's how you'd expect her to react upon finding out that her date is a liar who has lured her to his house on false pretences, right?
Except, being Made In Chelsea, she's fucking flattered. And then she thanks him, and then they kiss.
"I'm just so grateful that I'm not the one you're being a dickhead to."
This is just depressing now. Let's get on with this sodding Bollywood party then.
Ahahaha! Thanks Phoebe, I needed that.
Yep, let the casual racism begin as everyone tries to get their Bollywood on.
Alex, look at yourself. Think about what you are doing.
Birthday girl Victoria and Mark Francis are bitchy about Cheska, saying she's obviously wearing a bride's dress because she'll never be a bride.
HEY! You leave her alone.
Only I'm allowed to make jokes about Cheska's relationship status.
Only I'm allowed to make jokes about Cheska's relationship status.
We head over to the terminally single one herself, as she listens to poor Fran drone on about how much she likes Alex.
Oh gawd, it's as painful as watching Edith Crawley trying to find that old guy she banged.
Elsewhere Jamie ensures Stevie never gets with his new crush -- Tiffibell or whatever her name is -- by making awkward comments about how they are both single.
Tiffibell, try to ignore Jamie, Stevie is a very good and orange man who could really support a family with his door-to-door business.
Jamie dances off offensively and we cut to Lucy and Binky talking about Binky's date with Alex.
Not that anything matters in this stupid show but didn't Lucy used to date Alex als -- NEVER MIND Fran's come over!
Yay! More awkwardness!
Binky proceeds to explain what happened with the date. "Did you get a text saying Alex had injured himself playing rugby?" says Binky.
"Yeah, did you?" says Fran.
"No..." says Binky.
Oh Fran. This is Fran-solutely Fran-rendous...
A flustered Binky tries to make things better but there seems to be no end to the Fran-miliation.
Seriously though, Alex has the head of a man made of Lego. It's not exactly a great loss.
We leave Binky to curl up in embarrassment and move on to Phoebe and Louise, who make start-of-scene small talk until Stephanie walks in.
She is fuming, Spencer didn't come home last night.
Stephanie, that can only ever be a GOOD THING.
The less time spent with Spencer the better.
Anyway, she's so angry that she forgets present company and waves Lucy over to say hi.
You can't see behind the smelting factory on her face but Phoebe is not happy to see Lucy.
After a few moments of Phoebe's finest blend of bitchface, Stephanie suddenly 'remembers' that the director told her to bring these three together because they all hate each other and it would make 'good' TV.
"I just remembered you all hate each other, I'm sorry." she recites splendidly from her script.
"I don't hate them." says LucyBot.
"Well, not just them anyway. I sort of hate the whole human race."
"I don't hate ANYONE!" squeaks Louise, the Brick Tamland of the group.
Sadly, Phoebe does hate Lucy. She subtly lets Lucy know this by calling her a slut to her face.
MEAN GIRLS LESSON OF THE DAY:
You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores.
(Louise doesn't even go here, she just has a lot of feelings).
The fight picks up pace with Lucy calling Phoebe 'unpleasant' and Phoebe calling Lucy 'rude'.
At some point, Lucy mumbles that she and Stephanie should just go get a drink and the pair wander off largely unnoticed.
Much as they will when they finally exit the show.
I'm half expecting Phoebe to say 'Girl don't make me take my nose ring out' but the fight sadly fails to get physical.
In the end, Lucy just says that said nose ring looks weird and Phoebe says Lucy's dress looks tacky.
Zzzzz.
Even they're bored and they're paid to be here.
The big blonde bastard who caused all this trouble is elsewhere, having his ego fuelled by Stevie who says he reckons Lucy has feelings for him.
I have feelings for Jamie too. They consist mostly of loathing and disgust.
Also feeling quite a lot of loathing now is Fran, who walks over to confront Alex.
Alex does a really good job of making her feel better.
By laughing in her face.
"I'm just being a classic guy!" he shrugs.
There is, of course, one person whose fault this all is. The one whose mere presence causes all nearby men to become rotten to the core.
YOU.
Luckily the root of all evil is about to get a little comeuppance of his own as Stephanie comes storming over to ask him why he didn't come home last night.
"How come you're so good with the Bollywood thing?" is Spencer's bizarre reply.
How come you're so shit with the everything thing?
It gets worse, as he then informs Stephanie that he doesn't really 'do' the 'communication thing'. In fact, people get in touch with him.
"Oh my God, did you really just say that?" asks Stephanie. "I don't need to be this far away from my family and friends and get treated like this."
Yeah! Go Stephanie! Throw all his tea in the harbo(u)r!
I'm hoping that's another relationship over for Spencer but we don't get to find out.
Instead we get treated to what looks like the worst Bollywood romcom ever.
Although, to be fair, this whole party has been the worst Bollywood romcom ever.
Lucy and Jamie proceed to have the sort of conversation 14 year olds have when they like each other.
"Do you like me?" asks Jamie.
"YEAH OBVIOUSLY. I don't want a boyfriend though." says LucyBot.
"Yeah me neither." says Jamie.
The Jamie doth protest too much methinks.
Oh God it's so boring, I'll spare you the rest okay? They kiss and the episode ends.
I won't spare you that though. Why should my eyes go through this shit alone?
Next week on Made In Chelsea
- Jamie employs the classic aristocratic move for a woman who's getting above her station.
"Shush you adorable little talking vagina."
- Jamie also thinks that maybe, if he closes his eyes, Spencer will just go away.
Doesn't work Jenius, I try this every episode.
- Phoebe eyes up a new jumper.
Phoebe! What a lot of eyes you have!
"All the better to do bitchy face with!"
"All the better to do bitchy face with!"
- And the producers finally cave to popular opinion and put the whole cast in the Hunger Games.
"It was so hard but in the end I just had to kill them all."
See you next week!
