BAD TV: June 2018

WOW it's dusty in here. Poor old BAD TV has been languishing for four years now, four long years spent casting hopelessly around for a reality TV show that was quite as blood-boilingly irritating as Made in Chelsea. For many moons I idly flicked through the channels - "X Factor (been there done that), Britain's Got Talent (spoiler: it hasn't), TOWIE (pls God No-ie), Love Island-

WAIT A MINUTE.

What is a Love Island!?" I definitely said out loud to myself in this absolutely not made up scenario.

Yes, dear BAD TV reader, I have a confession to make.

I have never seen Love Island.


It's the only thing me and this malevolent prune have in common.

I have been aware of Love Island. I have heard people talking about Love Island. But I have never watched a single episode. UNTIL TODAY WHEN IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE QUITE GOOD FOR THIS BLOG SO I GOT IT UP ON ITV PLAYER.

You heard correctly, BAD TV is back and this time I'm swapping Chelsea for wherever the hell Love Island is made.


...a... shed?

Now, a disclaimer.

At some point shortly after I made the wise and fortuitous decision to resurrect BAD TV, I found myself browsing ITV Player like, "Whaaaat the heeeeell this show is on eeeeevery daaaay". EVERY DAY? Every day. Every day is far too many Love Islands in my humble opinion so I wondered about covering the roundup show instead (THE WEEKLY HOTLIST 'loads of unseen action, all the best moments and much, much more, all crammed into one jam-packed hour') but that turned out to be crap too.


For a start, I don't think any of these people have ever even seen jam.

I can't write about Love Island every day, I just can't. So instead I'm just going to review the very first epiode from the perspective of someone who has never seen Love Island and doesn't understand any of the core concepts.

Like for example why it is filmed in a shed.

IF I get the urge, or you want me to, I may dive back in later.

OKAY, LET'S LOVE ISLAND.

Episode 1

Here we gooo! To the Love Island! Which may or may not contain a shed but I'm 99% sure will contain a group of people who are aesthetically pleasing yet intellectually disappointing!

Okay so there's a pub?


I'm not sure if this is separate from the shed or an extension of it. Either way it doesn't look very tropical.

Ohh okay this is just the bit showing people ditching their regular boring lives for THE LOVE ISLAND LIFE.

Apparently people's regular boring lives contain a lot more shrugging in underwear than I was previously aware of.

Also quiiiiite a lot of sexual misconduct in the workplace.


Tbf we all have those days where we just clutch a boob and smile.

Then it's time for the opening credits, which is pretty much just flesh.

As a vegetarian this makes me uncomfortable.

Villa time! Apparently the villa has had a makeover but, since I don't know what the old villa looked like, I remain unmoved.

Did the old villa also look like an abandoned Tiger store that had been graffited by someone with 'yogi' in their Instagram bio?

Wait! The narrator just mentioned the rules and I wasn't listening! You have to couple up to win £50,000?

Well that sounds like a way to build healthy, long-lasting relationships!

Sexy, single people are arriving! Let's meet them.

First we have:

SAMIRA


I paused the screen at the wrong time but let's go with it.

Age: 22

Occupation: Musical theatre performer

Likes: singing, dancing, performing, using reality TV to further her career

Dislikes: Being dumped (it makes her heart 'go to stone')

FUN FACT: Samira loves a bit of a flirt and uses the word vibey as though it's a real adjective!

HAYLEY

Age: 21

Occupation: Model

Likes: Instagram, being cute

Dislikes: Guys who want to have their willy up as many girls as he wants [sic], big words

FUN FACT: Hayley knows a word in Spanish!

KENDALL

Age: 26

Occupation: Shoe shop manager

Likes: Her 33% discount

Dislikes: Her ex-fiance

FUN FACT: Kendall is open to anything. No wait not anything but you know what she means.

DANI


Look these screenshots are really hard to time, okay?

Age: 21

Occupation: Barmaid and BEING DANNY DYER'S DAUGHTER

Likes: Pulling the perfect pint

Dislikes: Boys that sell you a dream and then you believe the dream and then you end up crying at the end of the dream

FUN FACT: DANNY DYER CALLED HIS DAUGHTER DANI DYER.

LAURA

Age: 29

Occupation: Air hostess

Likes: The Mile High Club

Dislikes: Being cheated on

FUN FACT: Laura has had 9 boyfriends and will list every single one of them even if you don't ask her to!

So that's all our ladies and I for one am never eating carbs again!

Oh Caroline Flack is here. That's nice.

Caroline wants to know if the ladies are here for LOVE or LUST which are the only TWO available OPTIONS.

Everyone says they are here for LOVE and the REAL THING, which wasn't actually on the list of options but whatever.

Well an abandoned Tiger store covered in cameras is definitely the ideal place to find that!

It's time to meet the boys! Everyone knows that best way to find love is to stand in a line and judge a procession of other people based entirely on their looks so let's do that!

NIALL

Age: 23

Occupation: Student

Likes: Looking proper good on his Insta, Harry Potter

Dislikes: Girls who think he's just a "typical muscle fit lad", his old ears

FUN FACT: Niall has Hermione Granger's wand tattooed on his arm and wants to show you his wand too! Aren't you lucky!

Only Kendall steps forward for Niall but Caroline says he can choose any girl to couple up with even though I thought he had to choose from the ones that wanted to couple up with him?


Nothing like encouraging young men to pursue women who aren't interested!

Anyway Niall does the uncreepy thing and chooses Kendall in return. Well done Niall.

ALEX

Age: 27

Occupation: A&E doctor

Likes: Having an unprofessional bedside manner outside of work or something

Dislikes: His mum nagging him to find someone

FUN FACT: Alex says his work can inclued 'dealing with a cut finger nail'. Alex might actually be a manicurist.

No one steps forward for Alex because he is boring and forgot to do his shirt up. NEVER MIND THOUGH ALEX, for some reason you're still allowed to choose whoever you want from this selection of women who aren't interested in you! Including the girl who already chose to be with someone else!

I don't think that I like this show.

Alex chooses Laura, who looks as pleased as you can imagine.

As pleased as a doctor when someone comes into A&E with a cut fingernail!

Alex is excited though so who gives a fuck!

Next up...

WES

Age: 20

Occupation: A desiregeneer- nucl-oh-WES-A design engineer.

Likes: Cognitive dissonance

Dislikes: Having to say his job title out loud without shouting his own name halfway through

FUN FACT: Wes likes treating girls the way they are meant to be treated (like queens, apaz) and also thinks all the girls in the villa are 'fair game'.

Laura steps forward, away from Alex who picked her against her will, and says she doesn't know why she stepped forward. Wes chooses Laura back, but not before apologising to Alex who owned her previously.

Alex has to go and sit on some special chairs for losers but only until the remaining guys choose their two girls and then he gets whoever's left over. Just like every classic love story.

EYAL

Age: 22

Occupation: Model

Likes: Being spiritual, inspiring people

Dislikes: People who have no depth, people who are not fun in the bedroom

FUN FACT: I have no facts, just wanna say Eyal is creepy AF.

The three remaining single ladies step forwards for Eyal because he is an actual fucking model and they all have eyes. In the surprise of the century, Eyal the model chooses Hayley, the other model.

JACK

Age: 26

Occupation: Sells pens

Likes: Selling pens

Dislikes: People who don't want to buy pens?

FUN FACT: You can see Jack's teeth from the International Space Station.

Dani and Samira both step forward because the other option is Old Pot Noodle at the Back of the Cupboard, Alex. Jack chooses Dani and Samira gets the old pot noodle.

SURPRISE! Another guy is here just in case you hate pot noodles!

ADAM

Age: 22

Occupation: Personal trainer

Likes: Having fun

Dislikes: Sex that isn't quick

FUN FACT: The biggest thing Adam brings to a relationship is just having a laugh. It is unclear who is laughing.

Love Flacktually asks Hayley if she's tempted. Hayley says she's happy with who she's with because she can't remember Eyal's name. Adam has 24 hours to nab a wench or he goes home.

Now they all just hang around, I guess? The girls talk about the boys. The boys talk about teeth. Hayley still can't say Eyal's name even though it's kind of the middle of her name.

This goes on for a while. Is this the whole show?

Oh my god guys it's been like 15 minutes, I think this might be the whole show.

How is this on every daaaaay.

After a while they all drift off to have set up conversations with their respective partners.

As Niall and Kendall get to know each other, Kendall says she too is a massive Harry Potter fan. Niall says "Oh really, what's your favourite film?"

FILM.

Seriously fuck this show.

SOMETHING IS HAPPENING KLAXON.

There's a BEDROOM!!!!

Oh my gaaaaaaaaad.

The girls do a really good job of screaming like people who have never seen beds before.

Whilst also strategically holding up the personalised water bottles the show is trying to sell.

The boys are outside, working equally hard at water bottle promotion.

But probably getting paid more to do it amiright ladiiiieees.

Alex is feeling sad about being an old Pot Noodle. Don't worry, says Eyal, tomorrow is a new day.

"Every day is a new day," Wes adds sagely, to a chorus of impressed approval.

The only thing the boys grasp more than those water bottles is the concept of time.

Back to the girls in the bedroom, who are talking about how Laura likes Adam. The narrator casually slut shames Laura by saying "She started with Alex, moved on to Wes, and now she fancies Adam! Typical air stewardess, very flighty!"

Can I get a fucking retraction over here?

Because of course what he means to say is, she was chosen against her will by Alex, stepped forward for Wes to get away from Alex, and has now met someone she actually likes.

I got you, L.

There's a first night party and everyone gets dressed up in order to continue talking about each other!

It's really different from when everyone was talking about each other before because this time it's night.

The 'drama' mainly revolves around Adam and which bird he's going to tea leaf after his 24 hours is up. Laura likes Adam with her sexual things so it's not looking good for Wes.

It finally comes out that Dani Dyer's dad is Danny Dyer.

"Wait so his name is Danny Dyer and he also called you, his daughter, Dani Dyer?"

In the mystery shed, Dani makes fun of the fact that Jack sells pens as though being on Love Island isn't the number one thing he should be ashamed of.

STOP PEN-SHAMING.

Night passes and also an ad break! The narrator reminds us of who all the current couples are again in case we forgot since five minutes ago.

Adam continues to prowl around the ladies to decide which one he's going to hit over the head and drag back to his cave. I continue to remain unimpressed with the concept of women as objects to be claimed at will.

Who ordered a feminist killjoy?