Made In Chelsea, Episode 3: In which Herby the dog wonders what he did to deserve this.

Previously on Made In Chelsea: 

Absolutely fuck all happened.

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Today's Quote Of The Day is sponsored by Mark Francis, a man who laughs like a threatened chimpanzee.

Incidentally, his laughter is also the anthropomorphised sound of the oppression of the poor. 

Here's what Mark has to say about themed parties:

Yep, that's right people. If you want Mark Francis at your Halloween party you had better make damn sure you're throwing it in Versailles. Luckily, no one actually wants Mark Francis at their Halloween party so, you know: as you were. 

The first random body parts shot happens approximately one minute into the show. 

Know your place, plebs. It is here, at the feet of these rich people. 

Private Investigator Millie is taking Herby for a walk. She gets about half-way down the street before getting bored and making a phone call. 

You can tell Herby is embarrassed. 

There is a new lady!

She lives in St Pancras Station and laughs when people say 'bitch'. 

Millie wants to meet up with her because she has 'today free'. I'm 90% sure that Millie Mackintosh has every day free, unless she counts taking Herby on half a walk as being busy.

The coven have convened to discuss Binky and the Brain's non-relationship. Apparently Jamie hasn't called her since Spencer's birthday. Binky is scared she looks like a mug. 

Not at all Binky! I mean, maybe for being on this show, but not at all because of Jamie. 

Having made sure that Binky is definitely choosing Jamie, the man who is ignoring her, over Sam, the man who likes her, Cheska asks if she can have Sam's number instead. 

The vulture of the dating world.

Demonstrating that Binky has made the right choice, Jamie is flirting his way through a sweet shop. 

Not as 'Jimmy Savile' as it sounds.

A man enters the shop as both his pre- and post-homelessness self: 

Just kidding, it's only Bob and Francis!

Like David Cameron taking the tube, Sam, Stevie and Andy attempt to prove that they are men of the people by nipping in to their local pub. 

And then ruin it by ordering cocktails. 

Cheska texts Sam asking if he would like to go for a drink with her and gets the positive reaction of outright laughter from everyone. 

"Hahaha she does know we're gay right??"

Elsewhere, Herby gets forced into an unwanted three-way hug. 

This dog's face wears a constant expression of 'FML'. 

I am battling the sneaking suspicion that new girl Sophia is just Caggie Dunlop in a wig.

How's that music career going Caggie? What's that? So good you've had to dye your hair and come back as a different character? Excellent.

Back at Jamie's sweet shop, Francis steals some pants. 

Times are hard on the streets. 

Spencer's calling!

Swooooooooon. Vomit. 

He wants everyone to come down to Brighton and play volleyball, as you do. Jamie thinks it's going to be 'EPIC'. Francis doesn't seem to agree. 

This would be my reaction if someone asked me to go all the way to Brighton to play volleyball too. 

Louise and Rosie have met up for some soft focus orange juice and a chat about Spencer. 

Juice porn. 

Louise is happy because things with Spencer are sorted out now. She thinks that they are 'pretty indestructible'.

I would be willing to test this theory if someone could provide me with the correct weaponry. 

Millie, Herby and Caggie 2.0 arrive.

Herby can't believe he has to listen to these bitches. 

The indestructible Spencer and Louise are shaken a little when Caggie the Second reveals she and the Spencer had a 'young fling' back in the day. 

Speak of the slimebag and the slimebag he doth appear.

The Austin Powers car is back!

I would literally rather be seen driving that wagon in the background. 

Crazy Eyes is taking the coven for a break from whatever the hell it is they do (nothing). Cheska remembers to wear her wellies as they will be going to the countryside. 

The Countryside. 

This new cast member looks a bit old. 

Oh no wait, she's just a servant here to help them cleanse their bodies, minds and souls. She reassures them that 'yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift'. They respond by laughing in her face. 

"Hahaha she thinks our souls are redeemable."

It's okay though because she gets her own back by nicking all their phones. 

For some reason, volleyball is also happening somewhere. 

...why?

Spencer and Andy will be pitted against each other as team captains although, with all that sand around, they've got a pretty good gladiators arena set up. Might as well fight to the death. 

Poor Francis gets picked last, even after this girl called Fred.

Fred is a terrible name for a girl.

Volleyball goes on for quite some time before the sexual tension gets too much for everyone and they collapse into an orgy. 

Things have gone tits up back at Guantanamo Spa where someone has locked Crazy Eyes in a beer barrel. 

Fair enough. 

And someone else is beating Ollie with a bit of tree. 

Fair enough.

They eventually escape to a Victorian bedroom. Crazy Eyes says that she's happy they're all there together even though there's only two of them in the room. 

Crazy Eyes is craazy. 

I remember that these two used to be boyfriend and girlfriend so I'm wondering if we're about to see some posh lunatic sex but instead all we get is a clumsy plot device which will see the pair attending a boat party together later. 

The torture continues at dinner time, when the gang are forced to eat the world's most terrible dinner.

A salad!? THE INHUMANITY. 

Back in Brighton, Bob and Spencer counsel Jamie on his 3-day relationship with Binky and he resolves to throw caution to the wind, wear his heart on his sleeve, follow the path of true love! ... and give her a call right there in the bar while his friends watch. 

Step aside Heathcliff, Mr Darcy and Prince Charming. This is romance.

He proceeds to have a phone conversation with Binky while Tweedle-Dumb and Tweedle-Bob attempt to guide him with various hand gestures. 

This one means 'Dye your hair a normal colour you awful homo sapien'.

Herby shits his tiny Versace dog pants as he gets taken out on a walk with the Hound of the Baskervilles.

"What the fresh hell is that?! Get it away from me!"

Francis, Rosie and Cag2 sit on a park bench to discuss Spencer. Cag2 thinks he reminds her of a puffed up chicken that is proud. Francis responds: "You mean like a cock."

And immediately cements himself as my favourite character. 

Here are some rich people's torsos and upper legs.

Back in the park, Cag-again and Francis discuss whether his moustache is called a moustache. We establish that it is called a moustache and everyone can move on with their lives. 

Here is some fencing. 

It's finally time for the boat party and no one told this guy that fancy dress is only okay in Versailles. 

Cringe!

Richard gathers all the partygoers to launch his new product.

He's invented the shag band.

Andy is having a nice time, although he confides in Louise that he feels like he's wobbling a bit. 

Obviously no one has taken the time to explain to him that he is on a boat. 

Sophaggie comes over and tell Louise that she doesn't fancy Spencer. 

That makes two of us!

In a bid to bring everyone's attention back to him, Andy shows us all his impression of Kenneth Williams in a Carry On film. 

Please do not carry on. 

Binky and Jamie have a conversation that goes on for about five minutes but where nothing actually seems to have been said. 

"I'll see your 'dunno' and raise you a hackneyed cliche."

Cheska finally hunts Sam down but he uppercuts her with an "It'd be good to be just mates" before she has time to devour him. 

I hope he doesn't have a pet rabbit and a pot of boiling water nearby. 

THE END. 

Next week on Made In Chelsea:

Crazy Eyes gets her jaw back into Ollie.

Andy and Stevie FINALLY get together.

And Jamie's sunglasses continue to be stuck in his teeth. 

Can't. Wait.

X Factor Live Show #4: The Halloween Special -- so bad, it's frightening.

Last week saw the sad departure of Charlie and Sim, otherwise known as MK1.

Luckily for them, they seemed to give all of zero fucks about leaving, demonstrated by their getting absolutely off their faces Sunday night and -- in what had to have been the most baffling end to any trip -- gurning their way on to Daybreak the following morning having neglected to get any sleep.

Turns out MK1 actually stands for MDMA, Ketamine and 1 small unidentified pill from Louis Walsh in the men's toilets. 

Just say no, kids. 

It's the Halloween special! Since the widely accepted rule for Halloween costumes is sexy+anything=outfit, Dermot and his sexy band of sex workers are dressed up as sexy demons!

Or slutty business men? I don't even know. 

I can't help but feel that the pumpkins, green slime and lightning effects are slightly unnecessary seeing as what this show is doing to modern culture is frightening enough as it is. Also why can't anyone think of a scary song that isn't Michael Jackson's Thriller? Baby by Justin Bieber is terrifying.

The judges have followed the 'teenagers at a Halloween party' rule re: costumes. As in, the boys haven't bothered to dress up at all, half the girls look slutty and the other half look slightly mental. 

Tits 'n' teeth/...Predator?

What is this? Lucy is ill? Yep, our favourite bacchanalian balladeer has been deemed too unwell to perform this week and will get an automatic ticket to next week's show because she's still doing quite well on iTunes. 

In fact, she was almost too ill to dress up as a pumpkin and make out with Rylan in a nightclub two days before the show but she pushed through.

The creepier of the two men coming down your chimney this winter: it's Kye Sones! 

It looks like Gary's smugness is contagious as Kye admits he was 'confused' to be in the bottom two.

Really? Dick Van Dyke was a better singing chimney sweep. 

To liven things up a bit, Kye wants to do Robbie Williams' Let Me Entertain You. Gary admits that this song reminds him of the brief window in which he was jealous of Robbie Williams' career. 

Then everything got okay again. 

Talk of the devil! It's only bloody King Robbie himself, popping in to give Kye some advice!

Fact: Robbie Williams once went to rehab because he was addicted to Lucozade. 

Kye is sporting what I can only assume is the first incidence of the shit-ton of guy-liner that's going to feature in this episode. Or, in his case, it could just be the trade affliction known as Soot-eye. 

Soot-eye and sweep. 

Everyone thinks he's back with a bang except Louis but no one cares what Louis thinks because when he says 'X Factor' it sounds like 'Eggs Factor'. 

Union J are up next and apparently life for them is BANANAS. 

Life through the eyes of Union J. 

Looks more 'fucking awful' than 'bananas'.

Somehow these buffoons get to attend the premiere of the brand new James Bond film Skyfall.

What you see when you look up 'unfair' in the dictionary. Also 'talentless whine-merchants'.

Union J have become such megastars that they sing their song -- Beautiful Nightmare by Beyoncé -- from atop an old Ford Sierra.

Rock. And. Roll.

To the backdrop of changing dashboard imagery. 

Nothing sexier than a speedometer. 

It's pretty hard to concentrate on what the judges say afterwards because they seem to be afflicted by a blocked chimney somewhere in the studio.

Fuck's sake Kye. Sort it out. 

Looking vaguely like a plastic Halloween mask: it's Rylan!

ARRGHHHH

He's well hapz because Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams like him. 

Yeah, well they also thought the song Kids was a good idea so don't get too comfortable. 

It's Rylan's birthday this week!

Nicole surprises him by crashing his birthday party dressed as Jodie Marsh going to the shops. 

Nicole and 'The Boys'

Rylan's performance begins with a group of monks trying to magick some talent in to him.

It's. Not. Working. Must. Sell. Souls. To. Cowell. 

He's singing Toxic by Britney, bitch. On the premise that blonde weirdos tend to do quite well on X Factor, Rylan is blonde now.

Worked for Rhydian, RIP (is he dead? Who knows). 

Rylan launches into a medley of other songs I can't really identify and gives Gary a lap dance for a bit because, children, that's how you get someone to like you. 

See how much Gary likes Rylan now? Lapdancing: making friends out of enemies since 1971.

Time for Louis' 'You Remind Me Of A Young...' of the week. This time it's Jean Paul Gaultier. 

Sure.

Rylan vows that, if he gets through to next week, he'll set aside the big performances in favour of a simple song to show off his vocal talent. Best get the monks a-prayin' again then. 

Adele-a Henderson brags that she is having the best time ever EVEN THOUGH she is the youngest contestant on the show, as though that's some sort of achievement.

Being young and having a good time are the opposite of mutually exclusive, Ella.  

She gets to meet Robbie and we get to be treated to some pretty shocking pictures of early Take That. 

"Take That!" said the hairdresser as he threw the entire bottle of bleach on Gary's head.

She also gets to go to the Skyfall premiere but I'm less resentful because at least she sang the theme song for it. 

Hang on a minute...

This week Ella will be singing Wake Me Up Inside by Evanescence while being dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. 

Or rather the deleted scene from Little Red Riding Hood where she's running through the woods and a glittery bird's nest falls on her head. 

She is good as ever but her backing vocals seem to have been provided by those electronic voices you messed around with on the keyboard when you were supposed to be learning Blue Danube in Year 8 Music.

Everyone is very complimentary although Louis doesn't like her hair. Ella looks like she doesn't give a shit, presumably because Sam Mendes said he was a fan.

Singing cockles and mussels alive, alive oh -- it's sweet Molly Maloney. 

Gary wants to know if he still gets as nervous as he used to. Like Gareth Gates' stammer, however, Christopher's pity-inducing shaking is apparently no longer necessary to win him votes and thusly has dissipated like fog on the Mersey. 

Instead of Walter from the Muppets, this week Christopher has opted for more of a Halloween-appropriate Count von Count look. 

How many votes will he get? One, ha, ha, ha. 

He's singing Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew while one of the staff searches in vain for his fan base in the audience. 

"Any luck? Should I mention I'm from Liverpool again?"

Tulisa puts those pointy teeth to good use with some catty remarks about how all Christopher does is destroy cheesy eighties classics. 

Shit. Hits. The. Fan.

Gary responds that he doesn't know what's offended him more, Tulisa's comments or her 'fag-ash breath'.

The answer is actually c) Her sex tape.

Gary has obviously never learnt the golden rule of dealing with chavs. Always be polite when they talk to you or they'll steal your phone and beat the crap out of you at the back of the N207. 

Or, in this case, make accusations that you're an alcoholic by telling everyone they can smell red wine on your breath.

That thing in her left hand is Gary's iPhone. 

Like an embarrassed child watching its parents argue, Dermot moves us swiftly on to District 3 who are showing off their new member: The Cat In The Hat. 

Or the teenie weenie tit in a beanie. 

The choreographers are making them chuck canes around in the hopes that they'll bludgeon themselves to death, leaving Louis to focus on the more popular Union J. 

"Maybe we should make it knives just to be sure."

They're singing Every Breath You Take by The Police and their costume theme is A Clockwork Orange, a choice which I feel is very appropriate. 

In that I'd like to tie them to chairs and force them to listen to Beethoven. 

They move into the slightly more modern but just as boring Monster by Ne-Yo while, in the background, their graves have already been prepared for them. 

Gary is fed up off mash-ups. So am I. Hopefully a career tribute will pick them off soon. 

Not content with getting motherfucking snakes off motherfucking planes, Samuel L. Jackson wants motherfucking crybabies at his motherfucking parties as he has invited Jahmene to sing at a charity event. 

This is Samuel L Jackson filming Jahmene on his phone. The world has tipped upside down. The end is nigh. 

WHAT. Is going ON. Also does anyone else find it really weird seeing Samuel L Jackson without his hat?

Jahmene is singing Killy Me Softly by Roberta Flack.

Don't tempt me, Jahmene. 

This song reminds me of Marcus in About A Boy. I find this to be a pleasing comparison. 

OKAY, I begrudgingly admit that he's quite good. The judges are raving over him although it might be due to FOSLJ. 

Fear Of Samuel L Jackson

More Skyfall premiere, this time with Jade who wishes her little girl could have come with her.

Undesirables Contract Clause in full: If you wish to enjoy all the trappings of fame, burdensome family members must be left behind. 

Tulisa tries to pop home for a bit but wanders into Jade's estate by accident and decides to just go with it. 

"Shit I meant to go UP on the Northern Line."

Jade's whole performance is uncomfortable from her uncomfortable-looking Annie Lennox/Grace Jones/Power Ranger suit to her uncomfortable-sounding rendition of Sugababes' Freak Like Me. Her backing dancers do not help with their weird dental floss routine. 

You need to floss in the morning, floss in the evening.

Nicole thinks the whole thing was frightening. 

That's rich coming from the transvestite Bob Marley. 

Last to claw his way out of the grave and join the mindless zombie parade, it's James Arthur! 

While Jahmene gets to schmooze with S.L.J, James Arthur is invited to join in at a slightly more rubbish Labrinth gig. 

This is not because you're good James Arthur, this is because Labrinth is signed to Syco. 

James is singing a creepy version of Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics and I was not wrong about the guy-liner.

Also somebody has let a zombie play keys which is irresponsible because they almost never have all their fingers. 

Zombies and lepers: the shittest of keyboard players. 

Oh good, Tulisa's talking about being urban again.

Shut up Boobs McFag-Ash

THE RESULTS:

Tulisa has obviously got in trouble for smoking and opens the show by pointing at a nicotine patch stuck on her elbow. She could look happier about it. 

Don't worry Tulisa, as a role model you can now hold your head up high. In fact, there's a whole video online that proves you can. 

The group song is David Guetta's Without You. 

I'm pretty sure I could live without any of these people. 

The producers have given up on subtlety and are now outright telling people what they ought to be experiencing as they watch The X Factor. 

You will have it. 

You'll forgive me for skipping Robbie Williams' performance. Those of us born in the eighties have had to put up with him twice. 

Time to find out who'll be shuffling off the X Factor coil this week!

Through:

Ella

District 3

Jahmene

James

Kye

Rylan

and Christopher

Well I'll eat my Halloween-themed witch's hat. Obviously the screaming girls employed by the show to follow Union J around have done little to convince the public that they are actually old enough to fancy and they will be joining Jade in the sing-off. 

If the past is anything to go by, they'll just absorb her into the band and call themselves Union Jade.

The boys are up with a lads-on-tour-in-Malia karaoke version of Pink's Fuckin' Perfect though, sadly, without the profanity. Jade follows with the ultimate snooze-fest: White Flag by Dido.

Then it's time for production to quickly calculate who is likely to raise more votes in the future, young boy band or single lesbian mum. Since we already have a popular lesbian songstress in the running, it's goodnight from Jade.

BUT not before taking a look back at her X Factor journey to remind her that she's failed her daughter.

Hahaha, remember when you thought life could be better?

See you next week!