- COUNTRYSIDE!
- TRIGGER!
- FLAT CAP!
This week's QOTD comes from Binky who, let's face it, probably hasn't had the best role model in life.
The Binky Apple has not fallen far from the Binkysmum Tree.
The episode begins with Fran and Binky moving in together despite never having shown (to my knowledge) any indication of being close friends whatsoever.
Maybe they bonded over a mutual need to escape Cheska.
Stevie wonders whether everyone else can hear Kevin's fashion tips too.
Andy is feeling conflicted about Louise, which he demonstrates by adding a leather jacket to his sad-time glasses.
This shows he is both sad and ANGRY. Or possibly just ready to fly with TOP GUN.
Wham, bam and thank you #fencewatch.
What took you so long? You'd better make up for your absence by...
...appearing again immediately afterwards.
We head back to Binky and Fran's house (henceforth known as Franky's).
The pair discuss their new house's proximity to Alex's house and I suddenly realise why I find this pairing so bizarre.
"Wait a second... You're the reason I'm not with my one true love! Let's move in together!"
Yes, despite splitting her up from her best friend and killing off her sister, the producers still don't think Fran is quite miserable enough yet and have moved her in with Binky.
Who is going out with Alex.
Who Fran loves.
"I HAVE JUST REALISED THAT THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA."
Just to make things extra fun for Fran, Alex himself then appears in some very small pants.
It's okay though. Fran's cool with this.
"I AM COOL WITH THIS."
Meanwhile Phoebe, who has very few friends left, turns to some good old homegrown lamp and fence for comfort.
Just like Mama used to... wrought.
She is meeting Mark 'last resort' Francis at the dry cleaners, where Mark is giving strict instructions for the repair of his nineteenth century kimono.
I feel fairly assured that this guy gives approx. zero fucks about Mark's nineteenth century kimono.
Phoebe's outfit today is Urban Poacher.
Accompanied by a delightful Silence of the Lambs hat.
Apparently she has come all this way to announce that she is having a dinner party for people who don't hang out or whatever. It sounds shit.
"Kimo-no thanks."
Harley Street fence is looking a little drab and miserable.
Why so down Harley Street fence?
"Probably because I have to keep listening to THIS SHIT." - Harley Street fence.
For some reason, the script writers are still doggedly carrying on with these inane Spencer therapy scenes.
In this one, Spencer tries to blame his dickish behaviour on not being popular as a child.
Sadly, his Vulcan hands give him away as being nought but an emotionless bastard.
What do you reckon, Fence?
"Spencer is either a genuine arsehole or someone who is allowing himself to be portrayed as an arsehole on TV in order to gain fame and/or wealth.
Neither of these things make him a good person."
Neither of these things make him a good person."
You're so wise Fence.
"I know."
Having bored even the terminally boring Mark Francis, Phoebe has had to seek out fellow animal pelt-lover Louise.
"Let us wrap ourselves in dead things and chat!"
They discuss Louise's tiff with Andy's roofied blonde, who is apparently called Andrea.
"I don't want random girls walking round London in my outfits!" squeaks Louise.
Phoebe doesn't respond because she has yet to find anyone who wants to walk round anywhere in one of her outfits.
It's okay though Louise, Phoebe's having a dinner party and Spencer is going. You can just get back together with him!
"Not in a million years." laughs Louise.
"...Starting from now because I had sex with him last night."
That night, the not-very-long-awaited dinner party happens.
It turns out that Phoebe's guestlist of 'People that sort of know each other but don't' would have better been described as 'The only people who are still talking to Phoebe.'
If these were the only people who would talk to me I think I'd cut my tongue out.
Everyone seems to enjoy their dinner, apart from the notoriously thin Victoria who has to be blindfolded and force-fed.
"THIS IS AN INTERVENTION."
Elsewhere, Andy is in a recording studio.
It looks like he is refusing to give up on his musical dream despite all evidence pointing towards the fact that I think he should.
His song goes "Mmhm, bah bah bah, brrrrrrrapum bam bow oh oh oh."
Please. Stop it.
Cheska is also there, in some sort of managerial capacity.
What is with all the animal skin this episode?
"You're rocking it Andy!" she shouts, right in the middle of the recording.
"Oh my god Cheska, shut the hell up! You just ruined the whole song! You're the worst manager ever!"
Fran turns up too. She has come to return Louise's jumper and to have a go at Andy for not contacting Andrea.
And also to join the leopard-print parade.
Not one to be left out of an episode trend, Binky dons what looks like a bear fur waistcoat and heads out for drinks with Lucy.
"Someone's been skinning my fur and wearing it to a ridiculously overpriced bar." growled the Papa Bear.
The girls clear up whatever stupid argument they had about Alex, then move on to talking about the equally stupid Jamie.
Lucy admits that, while she thinks it is going nowhere, she does like Jamie.
"Really!? But he's so awful."
Because what these people need is bigger egos.
Somehow this game turns into the 'Spencer and Jamie argue over Lucy' game.
Phoebe and Louise like this game even less than I do.
The answer is clearly, "NEITHER, OH GOD, NEITHER." but Lucy bizarrely responds that she really likes Spencer too.
This LucyBot is clearly defective. Someone call a mechanic.
There is however, the small matter of the 'No shagging Spencer' pact she made with Louise.
At the dinner party, Louise insists she is sticking to the pact as well.
Then dramatic piano music plays and everyone sips wine and stares at each other like something important is happening.
It is not.
Except Mark Francis and Victoria, of course, who haven't got a clue what's going on.
"Who are these people?? Where is Gianna??"
Jesus, that was intense. I need some fence relief.
In-fence.
The next morning, everyone needs some cocktails after all those cocktails.
Firstly, Andy and Stevie meet up.
"You know how, when we go out, there's loads of girls?" asks Andy.
"Loooooooads of girls!" agrees Stevie.
"Girls everywhere! So many girls! Girls on everyone's feet!"
"No Stevie, we've been through this, those are shoes. Oh never mind."
Andy says lame things about how Louise is still the only girl in the room for him because Andy is lame.
Then Spencer turns up, causing Stevie to laugh more than Tiff at a mediocre comedy night.
Sometimes it's hard to tell whether Stevie's laughing at the world around him or the things in his head.
Apparently Spencer is here because he has something to say and Andy is not going to like it.
As if anyone ever likes anything Spencer has to say.
Spencer, trying to be dramatic, dallies with his confession for ages. SPIT IT OUT.
...Is what he probably said to Louise last night because, as he informs Andy, they had sex.
If you didn't see that coming then you're as stupid as Andy for daring to leave his sad-glasses at home today.
Apparently Louise is just devastated about what happened because she loves Andy so much.
She looks inconsolable.
Shock horror! She is actually denying that anything happened!
Phoebe looks unconvinced but pretty happy at the same time.
"Thank god! Now everyone will hate her instead of me."
She leaves and so do we, heading over to the boys' house where Jamie, taking his cue from the girls, is wrapped in something dead while sleeping on the sofa.
Ew... ew... ew ew EW EW...
...Phew. Thank god for pants.
Jamie says the rug smells because Louise and Spencer had sex on it.
Louise can't make love unless she's on or near animal skins.
This scene is rudely interrupted by another 'comedy' Francis scene in which he paints Rosie...
I don't even... whatever.
...before we head back to the boys' house.
Where Jamie dances for Bob in his pants.
Bob's lustful appetites sated, he agrees to do Jamie a favour in return. He will play detective and find out if Lucy likes Jamie.
The boys name themselves Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson (née Moyes?) before freaking out that Lucy Watson has the same surname.
The boys name themselves Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson (née Moyes?) before freaking out that Lucy Watson has the same surname.
"Some people have the same SURNAME AS OTHER PEOPLE!?"
Elsewhere, door-to-door salesman Barry Scott gets the surprise of his life when Andy knocks at his door.
"Hi, I'm Barry Scott! Would you like to buy... wait, what?"
Andy has come to talk to Louise, who is pretending to read a book.
You might want to try looking at the pages as you flick through, Louise.
Also stop saying 'what up'.
Also stop saying 'what up'.
Louise continues to deny anything happened between her and Spencer but Andy ain't buying it.
"I wasted six months of my life with you!" exclaims MelodramAndy.
They were only together six months?? Get over it already.
Although I think that, where she said the words 'my life', she meant to say the word 'me'.
This week, the scriptwriters haven't bothered to think up a theme or even a reason for the party. They just want everyone to turn up, get pissed and fight goddammit, is that too much to ask??
Unless it's an 'awful, awful dancing'-themed party?
In one corner, Barry Scott does poetry at Fran. Presumably because he is trying to sell her something.
Possibly himself?
It does not go well.
"I don't have any money on me at the moment, what does he want?"
In another corner, Lucy and Stevie discuss Louise and Spencer.
"How can she let herself be manipulated by him?" asks Lucy.
"How can she let herself be manipulated by him?" asks Lucy.
At that moment her 'hypocrite' firewall kicks in and clamps her mouth shut.
No one cares.
Fran comes over to tell Phoebe off for not inviting any of her real friends to her dinner party.
Again, no one cares.
Phoebe's outfit today is Victorian Gypsy Medium.
This explains how she is talking to little girl ghost Rosie.
Feeling confident after his poetry session with Fran, Barry Scott marches over to give Spencer some home truths.
"You think your supermarket brand cleaner is going to get all those nasty stains out of your soul? Think again!"
Louise turns up at the party and tries to convince Lucy she isn't lying about Spencer. Before they can continue, Jamie pops up.
"Hey Jammer!" says Louise.
"Hey Jammer!" says Louise.
Although I can't tell if this is because his name is Jamie or because he always looks like he's wearing his jammies.
He asks her about the sex on the sofa incident. It's okay, he says, he's had sex on his sofa too.
"I've had sex on my sofa." says LucyBot, mistaking this for a human bonding exercise.
Jamie raises the fact that Louise's clothes are still at Spencer's house and all of a sudden Louise needs to leave and talk to Spencer.
This conversation goes about as well as you can imagine.
In case you can't imagine, here is my interpretation:
This conversation goes about as well as you can imagine.
In case you can't imagine, here is my interpretation:
"Angry angry angry angry!"
"Smug smug smug smug!"
"ANGRY ANGRY!"
"Ahh... pigeons..."
"Patronising, patronising."
"Can't keep up this pretence much longer! Going to storm off now!"
And so she does, but not before saying to Spencer: "Literally, fuck you."
Thereby neatly admitting to everyone exactly what she did.
The End!
Next week on Made In Chelsea
Thereby neatly admitting to everyone exactly what she did.
The End!
Next week on Made In Chelsea
- Louise goes into mourning for her credibility.
- Andy goes into mourning for his square, more flattering sad-glasses.
- And fashion goes into mourning for itself when Phoebe appears on screen in this ensemble.
See you next week!
