"Oh how lovely," you may sigh. "Lots of idiots buy the winner's single every year so clearly Simon Cowell is trying to raise even more money for charity than ever. What an angel!"
Well you are WRONG, you fool.
What this actually means is: anyone who now tries to set up a campaign to knock X Factor off the Christmas number one spot -- à la Rage Against The Machine or John Cage's 4'33" -- will simply be accused of 'starving a charity of cash'.
"Excellent."
The only thing for it is to find out what charity they're going to support, pick a BETTER charity and then release this as its single:
A little outdated but effective nonetheless.
Anyway the show must go on eh Dermot, you poor bastard.
BUT not before this sneaky ninja drops in to spike Gary's drink.
Which gives us a new game to play!
We can only wait and see.
In keeping with it being Remembrance Week, this week's theme is Best of British.
No Dermot, we salute you for putting up with this shit.
Nicole seems to think that 'Best of British' means 'Slutty Vegas Gangster'.
"You come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married and you ask me to murder music -- for money?"
Dermot is forced to have his normal awkward conversation with the judges. He seems to find the whole thing so painful that he is moved to try and eat his own microphone.
This is everyone's face when listening to Nicole Scherzinger attempt to string a sentence together.
The only man in history who manages to look exactly as though he's made out of felt: it's Christopher 'The Muppet' Maloney!
There's trouble in Mersey Paradise, apparently Kye 'hates-a-dirty-fireplace-more-than-Santa' Sones has accused Christopher of VOTING FOR HIMSELF.
This cannot be real as it is impossible to conduct an interview from the inside of a chimney.
Cheer up, Moany Maloney, you're still standing aren't you? Now what could you possibly do to convey that to the audience?
"I've got it! Sing I'm Still Standing by Elton John! And also there'll be a bunch of women dressed like the Oompa Loompas from the Wonkavision scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
I don't know why I said the second bit but just go with it, man. Rylan would do it."
Hang on!
No. But he is looking a little peaky.
Next up it's Giggle Piggle In The Shite Garden: Jahmene!
Nicole introduces him by saying 'the only person who has a hard time believing in Jahmene... is Jahmene.'
Nope! Not believing in Jahmene might in fact be the one thing we have in common.
In order to help him with his confidence issues, Nicole sets up a phone conversation between Jahmene and Jennifer Hudson. I'm pretty sure Jennifer Hudson is only confident now because she used to be fat so I don't see how this will help.
"Maybe you could like... get fat? And then lose weight. Or whatever. Do I send my invoice for this phone call to SyCo?"
Just in case you don't already think Jahmene is an angel, he's singing Angels by Robbie Williams.
With a heavenly host of angelic singers eating angel cake covered in Angel Delight at Angel tube station.
Gazza says that he's never heard the song sung as well as that before.
Seeing as how no one's done them a favour by giving them a swift blow to the back of the head, District 3 are still hanging on in their attempt to win the Hunger (for fame) Games.
Louis asks them what they would like to sing because he just can't be arsed any more. It's good to see that he has come to terms with the fact that his role as mentor is almost entirely redundant.
"You remind me of a young... oh, whatever."
They opt for an RnB version of Can't Buy Me Love by The Beatles and I am about to throw my laptop out of the window but luckily they change their minds and decide to slaughter Eric Clapton instead.
And then we're treated to a little flashback to Friday Night with Jonathan Ross!
Except this time it's just three poofs and a piano.
They are sitting on stools and there is a key change because Louis doesn't know anything about boy bands post 1995.
Ahh they've made Nicole cry.
Or she's just remembered a video of a kitten she saw on YouTube. It's hard to tell.
Ella Henderson is up next and is guaranteed to win the feminist vote by being the only girl left, not just in Tulisa's category but in the entire competition.
The seXist Factor
If that wasn't bad enough, she's also forced to meet the Kardashians.
She must have done something really bad in a previous life.
Ella says that she is going to sing Tinie Tempah's Written in the Stars because the theme is Best of British. I fail to see the connection between those two things.
How much does Ella look like Adele this week?
3/10
Since I notice Tinie Tempah has yet failed to correct the typos in his name, I find it hard to enjoy this performance.
The campest Hufflepuff after Justin Finch-Fletchley: it's Rylan Clarke!
He looks like the sound "D'oh".
Rylan is super excited to sing The Spice Girls, whom he claims he's loved since he was a six year old girl.
As a lovely little surprise, the original Ginger Spice herself drops in for a visit as Rylan practices wearing his X Factor mask.
Not really, he's actually saying 'FUCK'.
Rylan says that if he and Geri Halliwell become BFFs he will DIE. So... come on Geri, take one for the team.
Hang on a minute, what the devil is going on?
Shit, is he actually going to commit suicide by jumping out of a plane? I didn't mean it! Mostly.
No, it's just a silly stunt and he arrives safe and sound in time to be hanged in the studio.
Got you again! He definitely does not die at any point during this episode.
In his Union Jack jacket, I assume Rylan is supposed to be the Geri to these other male Spice Girls:
Although the two on the right seem to have got the Spice Girls confused with the Power Rangers.
Tulisa says it was like the closing ceremony of the Olympics all over again. I am inclined to agree seeing as the closing ceremony was pretty shit.
HOLD UP!
The drug has obviously begun to take affect as Gary appears confused and calls Rylan's performance 'absolutely brilliant'.
"OH GOD SOMEONE PLEASE GET HELP."
He's not quite gone yet though, so we plough on with Union J.
In their opinion, the best of British = the armed forces.
Are they going to sing It's a Long Way to Tipperary?
They proceed to have a war-off where they all try to prove who has the best connection to the army but all we really learn is that Josh's dad looks like a brunette Johnny Bravo.
A jawline to rival even Gabriella Ellis.
It turns out Union J will be singing that famous army song: Fix You by Coldplay.
Could it be worse? No, probably not.
Next up James Arthur takes on the Ella Henderson Adele song Hometown Glory. Apparently James understands the concept of semantics as he explains that the word 'hometown' makes him think of his hometown.
Which totally won Pier of the Year 2009! Congrats wherever the hell James Arthur is from!
But commiserations to his parents for breeding nearly an entire family of emos.
e-NO.
Since he's feeling Pier of the Year-sick, the producers let James see his sister one last time.
Just the one sister, mind. Don't want to go spoiling him.
Through James' performance we find out that you no longer only get an 'Ooh' with Typhoo; with James Arthur you get a whole two minutes of them.
Also his hometown went to all the trouble of winning Pier of the Year 2009 and they don't even bother to use it as the backdrop. Despicable.
Tulisa says she loves a bit of dubstep which he would know if he'd seen any of her festival sets (has anyone?)
At first I thought she said 'festival sex' which makes more sense in the grand scheme of things.
Did I miss another wild card vote? Apprently there's one more shitty boy band left in the competition called One Direction.
They're dreadful. I hope they get voted off immediately.
THE RESULTS
Oh no, is the group song going to murder another British classic?
Nope, thank God, it's just U2; it's physically impossible to be worse than Bono.
Through:
James
Rylan (yes, really)
Jahmene
Ella
and Christopher
Leaving us with a bonafide battle of the boy bands between army boys Union J and the tributes from District 3.
The latter are the first to shoulder their homemade weapons and step into the arena to sing Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars.
It's funny because clearly no one likes them just the way they are.
...only to be completely blown away by the fully-loaded RPGs of war-fans Union J who are singing Set Fire To The Rain by Adele.
It was the only song they could find about napalm.
Louis tries to pretend like he cares and refuses to vote.
His sad face is severely lacking.
It's left to Nicole and Gary to team up and deliver the killing blow to District 3.
K.O.
Oh my goodness, I almost forget to check...
And. He's. Outta here!
So it's goodnight from me and it's goodnight from him.
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