BAD TV: Made In Chelsea: Season 5 Episode 9 - Masqueraaaade, posh drunk idiots on parade.

We had a fair few #fencewatch reports this week but my Fence Fan award has to go to early frontrunner @sarahheland for her harrowing tale of French fence suicide:

Even sadder than this week's Game of Thrones.

Congratulations Sarah!

Unfortunately that wasn't the only terrible news we've had to deal with this week...

Ollie Locke is going to be a TV presenter and Professor Green is going on tour!?

Noooooooo!

Onwards, brave fence fans.

Previously on Made In Chelsea

Louise didn't cry!

Not even once!

She didn't even get something in her eye or anything!

Well done Louise, let's see if you can keep it up this week.

Today's QOTD comes from Chelsea's resident Young Alan from Jumanji.

Alan. Rosie.

Here's what she has to say about the Chelsea dating scene:

Chelsea problems.

I can't decide whether: a) she's lamenting the curious Chelsea habit of only dating people who live on the same street as you...

or b) saying that there isn't anyone in the world whom her friends have not slept with.

Either way she's definitely calling all her friends sluts.

"The problem is, you're all sluts."

INSTANT FENCE!

With a delicious side of lamp.

Followed by more fence:

And some more for good measure:

I'm definitely starting to get the feeling that the folks over at MIC HQ might have become aware of #fencewatch.

In fact I've decided that, if they feature two gold fences in a row in one opening scene of Made In Chelsea this season, I'm taking it as a personal sign that they're reading.

Anyhoo, the episode kicks off with the boys playing boules in the park.

Boulles boules.

I'm impressed with Francis and Bob's ability to keep a straight face while talking to Jamie.

Who appears to be wearing the latest summer range from Miss Selfridge.

Jamie drones on about poor old Spencer and his LucyBot related issues. Francis and Bob just ignore him and get on with their game because no one gives a shit.

"No, I certainly don't hear anything that sounds blonde and obnoxiously dressed!"

Eventually though, the loudness of the shirt gets too much for BoulleBob and they're forced to ask Jamie what he was thinking when he bought it.

Jamie gives us an insight into his psyche by yelling "THERE'S NO MORE DARKNESS!" in response.

"LEOPARD PRINT MAKES THE BAD THINGS GO AWAY."

After a brief fence respite...

...we join Stevie, who has invited Andy over to see his and Lucy's new flat.

"We've got flowers!" gurgles Stevie, happily.

It doesn't take much to make Stevie happy, bless him.

Then we cut to Fulham Palace, but not before being treated to a brief metaphor for what Andy and Stevie are getting up to in our absence.

...drinking tea, obvs.

Binky, Rosie and Louise have gone out for drinks, and are discussing Lucy and Stevie's pubhousewarmingparty.

Louise is still not crying.

Louise announces her news re: Andy falling in love with her.

The girls do their very best not to look like they want to throw up.

Rosie is somewhat less successful than Binky in this endeavour.

"We've just been really happy." says Louise. Again.

Doing her best 'happy' face.

In a moment of rare self awareness, Louise also admits that Andy is more capable of 'putting up with her shit' than Spencer was. She even goes so far as to claim that Andy would get a taxi to Edinburgh if she asked him to.

Taxis: the only mode of UK public transport.

Here's what Stevie thinks of that:

To be fair Stevester, at least he has a girlfriend to be whipped by.

We cut back to the girls who have moved on to discussing Lucy and Phoebe's big showdown at the housewarmingpartypub.

Rosie says her quote of the day: "Because our group of friends is so big, it's very rare to find someone that hasn't fucked one of your friends."

Rosie Fortescue's Official 'Fucked' list.

Back at her and Stevie's flat, LucyBot forgets human codes of conduct.

"Oh. Hello. I'm. Just. Off. To. The. Shops."

Since he is so happy with Louise, Andy remains totally unfazed by Lucy's unclothed android form.

Loljks.

Elsewhere, this lady has a bright dress and a handbag.

Good for you, lady!

The Frans meet up for non-burnt oranges and burnt lemons.

With a side of unidentified pastries and Polyfilla in a shot glass.

One of the Frans is no longer blonde.

Now we might actually have to start telling them apart...

They too are talking about the warmingpartyhousepub or, more specifically, about Phoebe's ex LegoHead and his new love interest Lucy.

Psychic Phoebe claims that she could read LegoHead's face and apparently it told her that he'd rather leave the party with her than be there with Lucy.

I see what you mean Phoebe, very expressive.

Phoebe seems to be artfully ignoring the fact that, had LegoHead actually wanted to leave with her instead of staying with Lucy... he would have left with her instead of staying with Lucy.

"Sorry Phoebe, it's just that you seem to have turned into a giant raven in a wig since we dated."

Talking of LegoHead, he's gone on a dog-walking date with LucyBot.

Who thankfully remembered to put on some clothes at the last minute.

LegoHead reckons that dogs look like their owners.

Oh my God, I totally see it!

By saying this, LegoHead also inadvertently calls his date a dog, which is nearly as romantic as that time she told him she was 'so single it's disgusting.'

Talk moves on to ex-flames Phoebe and Spencer, with both LucyBot and LegoHead reassuring each other that they have no feelings for their former loves with all the convincingness of Louise saying she's 'happy'.

The whole thing goes entirely tits up when Lucy asks if this is even a date at all.

'Nah.' says LegoHead.

"Or yeah? Whatever. I don't even know, I just do what the director tells me."

Back at the cafe, Phoebe reckons that LegoHead is still in love with her. She claims he has told her that he will always have her back and she doesn't want that 'messed around with'.

"Naturally I, on the other hand, can go out with whoever I please."

Meanwhile, at a tennis club, Millie's back!

And she's terrible at tennis!

We also learn that Rosie thinks it's okay to play tennis dressed like a pagan priestess.

I haven't seen an MIC outfit this silly since everything that Phoebe wears.

At her dad's pub, where the warmpartyhousing took place, Lucy meets Binky to discuss her dogwalking non-date.

Binky's dog looks sad that it didn't get invited.

"All I ever do is sit in fucking wine bars."

Lucy says that LegoHead has asked her out to dinner. Binky asks if it bothers her that he's Phoebe's ex and Lucy is about to explain that she couldn't care less about the feathered one before she is interrupted by a text from Spencer.

"Oh my God, it's like some essay." she winces.

Though I doubt a woman who thinks her phone requires a moustache is capable of comprehending what an essay ought to be.

The text reads thus:

Hey Watson! Disappeared from London for a bit (he hasn't, he was in last week's episode) but I wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you out here (in Surrey?) and that I genuinely miss being around you. We've been straight with each other from the start (apart from when he was having sex with all those other women) so I just thought that I'd tell you. I hope you're having fun, would like to see you soon.

It's just as I thought. The text isn't even long enough to be an introduction, let alone a whole essay. Stupid robot.

"He's such a head fuck." whines Lucy.

Binky's dog is tired of this shit.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up."

Back at the tennis courts, Jamie is still banging on about how he's worried about Spencer.

"I think it's natural to be worried about someone who's so deeply, deeply in self destruct mode." opines Rosie.

I think it's more natural to be worried about someone who wants to play tennis while dressed like a dead Mexican bride.

Also, surely Spencer is not in 'self destruct mode' but rather 'dickhead mode' so every one should stop worrying and start celebrating that he's buggered off to deepest, darkest Kent.

Then everyone's day is ruined when Mark 'I'm not one for physical exercise' Francis turns up.

"I maintain my physique through a strict diet of gin and pitying the poor."

He's turned up because he's doing a 'tennis shoot'. He'd also like everyone to know that it's his turn to host the end-of-episode party and he's having a black and white-themed masquerade ball.

Looks like we're going to have to change Mark's middle name to 'HYPOCRITE' seeing as how, last series, he claimed:

In light of this I propose that, unless Mark is actually holding his masquerade in Versailles, we storm his mansion and send him to the guillotine.

Liberté, égalité et va te faire foutre Mark Francis!

This week's drinks porn comes courtesy of Love and Liquor in Maida Vale.

Rich people have only one of these things in their lives at a time.

Stevie and Andy meet here to discuss what it's like living with LucyBot. "She's very messy." complains Stevie.

"She drips hydraulic fluid everywhere."

"She also sleeps all day doesn't she?" asks Andy.

She's not sleeping Andy, they just don't bother to switch her on when you're not filming.

"Yeah, she can't come out in the sunlight." laughs Stevie, who is getting robots confused with vampires.

As Andy begins to talk about missing Louise, who has gone back to Edinburgh for her exams, Jamie turns up.

It seems that his modus operandum this episode is to randomly appear at various locations and whine about Spencer to people who couldn't care less.

"Why are you here?"

"How did you even know where we were?"

The boys however, are interested to hear that Jamie is intending on making up with Lucy. Andy wonders whether this means Jamie is going to admit that he cheated on his girlfriend with Lucy in Verbier.

Jamie gets embarrassed and decides to go invisible.

"Bye guys!"

Elsewhere, the Frans meet up with BRAND NEW CHARACTER Josh.

Josh has never been in Made In Chelsea before and likes quiffs.

Josh tells the Frans that he has a date. He is going to DSTRKT with other indistinguishable blonde Ashley, who previously went out with Francis before then going out with Ollie.

Guys, seriously! Look at all these other boroughs you could be dating in!

Josh asks about what's going on with Phoebe because he's just as over her as Louise is over Spencer.

The Frans relay the LegoHead/Lucy saga. They are obviously feeling no less brutal than they were last week as one of them tells Josh that, since LegoHead broke her heart, she has never seen Phoebe fall in love with someone ever again.

"Brilliant. Thanks for that."

Talking of poor, sad Phoebe, she's gone to meet LegoHead himself on a bridge because that's what you do with people who have broken your heart.

"I'm so heartbroken that I can nearly not lean seductively on this bridge."

Phoebe attempts to dissuade LegoHead from dating Lucy by flopping her head around and simpering at him.

Phoebe's kind of creepy.

Then it's the fence after the night before...

...and Jamie is insisting on wearing the one weird rolled up sleeve trend that he tried to start in Amsterdam last season.

Didn't look good then.

Doesn't look good now.

He's heading to Lucy's to 'make peace'. Suddenly it all comes out, he does remember kissing her in Verbier and he lied to her and to everyone to protect his girlfriend!

Speaking of Tara, where has she gone by the way?

Oh yes, that's right. She died in this week's Game of Thrones.

And that's that! The two hug and make friends and gossip about boys like Jamie didn't call her a crazy lying bitch but weeks ago.

"C'mere you crazy lying bitch!"

This dress is back!

Either this is old footage, everyone in Chelsea has this dress, or this is the same lady from before and she hasn't bothered updating her wardrobe.

Oh gawd, it's Mark and Victoria.

...Aaaaand that's about as much as I can take of them so we'll move on to DSTRKT where these people exist again!

The vamp and the camp.

Hang on a minute, didn't that Josh fellow say he was coming here with Ashley? Ashley who used to date Ollie?

Aahh! It's almost like these things happen on PURPOSE!

While the clearly traumatised Ashley is outright making sure Josh isn't gay at the beginning of their date, her ex Ollie and nemesis Oscar wander over.

This scene would be a lot more fun if it was dubbed over with this.

In his wonderfully affable way, Ollie asks if they're on a date. Upon receiving confirmation he says "Oh God! That's awkward!"

Well... yes, it is now that you've said that Ollie.

Instead of just leaving, Ollie asks Ashley if she's okay, causing her to launch into a rant about how he is a liar.

Haha, who is this guy looking at food on a stick??

He's funny, whoever he is.

After their embarrassingly public blow out, Ollie scarpers and Ashley casually explains away her behaviour by saying, "I'm an Aries so... I get a bit angry."

"I've just found out you believe in horoscopes so... I'm probably not going to call you again."

#fencewatch: elusive nighttime fence.

Elsewhere, Phoebe, Francis and Jamie are having a drinks and backgammon night.

Phoebe pulls the standard 'Ugh, I'm talking to Jamie Laing' face.

"Ugh, shut UP and dye your hair already."

She tells the boys a somewhat biased account of the events of the pubbingwarmpartyhouse, not masking her jealousy of Lucy and LegoHead very well.

She needn't be worried about her old flame though as it doesn't seem like his dinner date is going too well.

In fact, it looks like someone has forgotten to switch LucyBot on entirely. All LegoHead can do is wriggle uncomfortably in his chair as she gazes upon him impassively.

This looks like a fun date!

We cut back to Phoebe still talking about them. "He like basically told me he's still in love with me." she says. (No he didn't).

"He's soo not into Lucy." She says.

(Yes he is).

Yep, even after that seemingly awkward date, the two still end up enjoying a very noisy kiss.

Presumably because they couldn't think of anything else to do.

Then it's time for the end-of-the-episode fightathon and we're heading off to the sort of masquerade that the Phantom probably can't wait to drop a giant chandelier on.

Jamie has opted for a batman sort of look.

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na wanker!

While Phoebe got some fishing net stuck in her hair and just went with it.

"Ow."

What the hell has happened to Millie's face??

ARGH!

Phoebe's cold black widow look doesn't last very long as she gazes longingly at ex LegoHead and LucyBot flirting.

It's either that or she's got her earring stuck in her raven collar.

The couple themselves walk over for a chat with Jamie and Binky.

We see that LucyBot has cleverly made use of her natural assets to suit the masquerade theme by simply removing her eye skin.

Since the cast of MIC seem to thrive on champagne and awkward, Jamie decides to bring up Spencer in front of Lucy's new beau.

LegoHead confesses that he doesn't think Spencer likes him very much.

"He will like you!" says Lucy, trying to make things less awkward.

"I don't think he will." says Binky, who's lost track of who she's supposed to be friends with.

"I hate you and like Cheska now right??"

Since Rosie has realised she's not actually on the list of people who everyone's fucked in Chelsea, she panics and tries to touch Francis' penis.

Sadly, since she's never actually had a love interest, she gets it completely wrong.

The phaaaaantom of the opera is here!

Who is this mysterious party guest? Will we ever find out??

Whoever he is, apparently he's going out with Ashley now so Francis takes him aside for a friendly warning about some of Ashley's weird past behaviour.

"She stole my socks..." says Francis conspiratorially.

Before he can explain much more, the woman herself turns up.

AHH! Hold on to your socks!

"I see you're meeting all my exes." says Ashley before staring at them each in turn and smiling like she's trying to work out which one to kill.

It's nice to see that they've drafted in new Crazy Ashley to replace Crazy Louise while she's off in Edinburgh.

Elsewhere, Binky talks to LucyBot about her feelings for Spencer and LegoHead.

"What. Is. 'Feelings'.?."

Their conversation is interrupted by Phoebe who looks to be on the warpath again.

Hey guys? I have an idea. How's about just not talking to all the people you don't like?

She asks how Lucy and Alex are, to which LucyBot replies that they are fine, not that it's any of her business.

Phoebe replies that is is her business and that she doesn't want LegoHead getting hurt by Lucy.

"How could he possibly get hurt by me?" asks LucyBot, quite rationally. "We've only been on two dates!"

Phoebe is momentarily stumped.

"...you leave."

Finally she comes out with: "It's nice to have someone to care about you. Alex still cares about me."

"That's nice!" says Binky kindly, before pointing out that there's no real reason for Phoebe to be speaking to them since she has made it quite clear she doesn't want to be friends with any of the girls in their group.

"No, it's just you two." says Phoebe, determined to make this argument happen.

"Well then fuck off!" says Lucy.

Phoebe is stuck for words again so she just smiles creepily.

"Look, I don't know why I'm here talking to you. The director told me we were supposed to have an argument but I'm really high and I've forgotten what it was about."

Eventually she leaves, but not before telling the girls that they look really nice.

"Phoebe is weird."

Phoebe stalks off to whine at Jamie, but he is too busy getting excited about receiving a call from Spencer.

"PUG!?" he squeals.

That does mean Spencer right? Or have I got that completely wrong?

Ah, it is Spencer after all.

Who has been so messed up by Lucy that he is sitting in a swimming pool in his suit.

It turns out that he has been in Barcelona this whole time and now he wants everyone to join him!

But mostly he really, really wants Lucy to come, even if it means bringing along her new man.

Jamie gets so excited that Phoebe can't wait for him to get off the phone and tell her what's going on. "Tell me, tell me!" she says.

"Okay... are you ready?" says Jamie. "It's Spencer... HE'S HEALTHY!"

"Haha... fuck off, what is it really?"

Jamie eventually spills the beans and much squealing ensues.

Elsewhere, Lucy is telling LegoHead about the PhoebAttack but they are interrupted by Jamie doing his best Muppet impression.

Literally a muppet in every way.

He tells the pair about Spencer's offer, emphasising that it's really Lucy that Spencer wants to see.

Embarrassed, LucyBot deploys a classic nineties subtle middle finger.

She tells Jamie that it's too weird, but Jamie perseveres in trying to convince them because he has been given a job to do by Spencer and he's damn well going to do it.