Made In Chelsea: Series 6 Episode 2 - Cocks with cocktails and Pratts with dickheads.

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- Bridge.

And lamps.

This week's Quote Of The Day comes from Stephanie Pratt, brand new import from American reality TV show The Hills and sister to the second worst Spencer on TV.

That's HILARIOUS, Stephanie.

I predict this sassy American will show those stuffy posh Brits how to live a little, and maybe learn a lot about herself as she goes along...

After all, why should she fit in when she was born to stand out?

Actually that's just the plot of the 2003 Amanda Bynes film What A Girl Wants.

First up today, we're at the airport! Where airport pavement is in abundance.

Jesus that's too much airport pavement for a Tuesday morning.

PLANE!

I can tell this is a plane because it's not a bird and it's not Superman. 

Aha, this must be the arrival of Stephanie herself as Spencer rocks up and does his best pretend-looking at an arrivals board. 

I'm guessing she's not flying in from Tehran.

After a very realistic two seconds of waiting, Stephanie arrives. 

Draped in the traditional American Skull-Spangled Banner.

"It's so good to see you!" she says to Spencer, immediately revealing herself as an actress because no one is ever happy to see Spencer Matthews in real life.

Even if I had been trapped alone on Isla Nublar for a year, I would still not be pleased to see Spencer Matthews.

Elsewhere, Jamie, Lucy and Andy get together to partake in a glass of weird pink milk. 

Mm, you know it's good because it costs more than the average person spends on food in a week.

They make awkward chit-chat about both Andy and Lucy's newfound single status but Lucy's stilted conversational skills and blank facial expressions are starting to make Jamie suspicious. 

"Shit... is she a robot?!"

#Fencewatch! Fence is on much better form than in last week's episode, making an appearance just two minutes and 53 seconds in. 

Fence is still Made In Chelsea's only black character. 

Even Downton Abbey managed to get that jazz singer in. 

Back to Spencer and Stephanie -- who shall henceforth be known as The SS, or . They arrive just in time to meet Binky making an entrance from stage right with her dog.

Spencer introduces the two girls.

BinkySmurf does not look impressed with this new girl from the colonies.

"Ohh, do you live in L.A.?" says Binky, as though she's never seen the show that was the inspiration for the entire reason she's 'famous'.

She ploughs ahead with a barrage of awkward questions then says goodbye before any of them can be answered.

"It was nice to meet one of his friends." says Stephanie.

"I'm sure you'll meet more." says Binky, before turning to Spencer and saying "Well, whoever you have left."

Spencer's hair can do nothing but shoot upwards in indignation.

Then we go to a shop, where Phoebe and Louise are apparently now friends. 

They bonded over their mutual obsession with exes and bitchy face.

They discuss their exes for a bit and do bitchy faces, mostly about Fran and Alex's budding relationship.

This is boring so we head back to Andy, Jamie and Lucy who -- surprise surprise -- are still talking about Louise.

Andy still thinks he might want to get back together with the permanently damp one.

Hence why he's still rocking this Depressed Clark Kent look. 

The illogicality of this nearly fries LucyBot's circuits. 

Jamie, meanwhile, has forgotten that he just found out Lucy is a robot and is now thinking about sweets again.

 Back in  land, Stephanie unpacks and questions Spencer on Binky and his failed relationship with Lucy. 

This glittery man jacket is a sartorial metaphor for Spencer's sordid past. 

Stephanie listens to Spencer talk casually about how he cheated on Lucy multiple times, used her as a rebound and found her presence in his flat 'claustrophobic'... then kisses him anyway.

Pratt by name...

Elsewhere: cobwebs.

I can only hope this is foreshadowing a mass false widow spider attack on the cast.

Nearby, Andy and Louise meet for a chat on a bench because the cameraman thought the natural light would make them look less irritating. 

HE WAS WRONG.

Andy's look has progressed from Depressed Clark Kent to Young Buddy Holly.

His hair has curled up with the embarrassment of being on this show.

They talk about literally nothing for ages then decide to go for dinner. 

Which, incidentally, could be the synopsis for this whole show.

Since Fran promised Phoebe she would never 'go there' with Phoebe's ex Alex, Fran decides to go on a date with Alex. 

I guess she doesn't mind the Lego hair.

They talk about Phoebe and, since Phoebe is the devil, the Phoebe doth appear.

SET FACES TO BITCHY. 

Or, in Jamie's case: constantly bemused.

Phoebe storms out, dragging poor Jamie behind her. 

"Fucking desperate bitch." she says of her 'surrogate big sis' Fran. 

"Yeaahh..." says Jamie.

Who just really wanted a Bloody Mary and a Chupa Chups.

They lean on fence -- as we all must do in times of trouble -- and discuss the situation some more, before deciding to go and get drunk. 

"I too will need to get drunk if I have to listen to any more of this shit." - Fence.

It seems  have momentarily disbanded as Spencer heads into another one of his fake therapy sessions. 

For some reason, this week's session centres around the bizarre act of reassuring Spencer that Louise is not a cartoon character. 

This fake therapist is not getting paid enough fake money.

Talking of Louise, she and Andy are now out on their dinner date at Benihana, one of those restaurants where the chef cooks everything in front of you. 

This means the poor man has to be present for their entire meal and conversation. 

And you thought you had a shit day at work.

Andy says he doesn't want Louise to change. Louise arrogantly declares that she doesn't need to. 

In her opinion, the only thing wrong with her is that she 'loses her phone a bit'.

He's laughing because the thing that's actually wrong with her is that she causes the mean sea level to rise every time she gets upset.

The drivelling duo attempt to hash out the terms and conditions of a new relationship. Andy attempts to put his foot down but then shoots himself in it when he does this:

Oh boy Andy, she's sure going to take you seriously now.

Instead of laughing though, Louise does what she does best.

Crying. Crying is what she does best.

"Fucking hell!" says Andy and, simultaneously, everyone watching.

"Fucking hell..." I say, when the next shot is Spencer announcing that he is taking Stephanie to Benihana. 

"Fucking hell! That's exactly where Louise and Andy are!" shout all the idiots who don't realise this is set up.

"Fucking hell." says Fence, attempting to hide in the shadows as Spencer drives by.

Meanwhile Lucy is having a nice time enjoying some drinks with Binky. 

At least, this is what she thinks 'having a nice time' looks like.

(At this stage, I would also like to point this out since it keeps happening:)

Yes, I know Spell Check.

Anyway, Binky and Lucy go on to have a long conversation about the crisis in Syria and the potential outcomes of the upcoming Geneva II peace negotiations. 

LOLjks, they just fucking bang on about Spencer again.

We cut back to Benihana where, for a moment, it looks like the chef has lost patience and set fire to Andy's head. 

He tried it on Louise but she was too soggy to burn.

Like Satan walking through the flames, Spencer arrives with his Pratt in tow. 

Louise is really upset to be interrupted by her ex just as she is trying to patch things up with her current boyfriend. 

NOT!

The meeting rapidly dissolves into an argument between Andy and Spencer and, when Spencer doesn't take the hint to leave, Andy has no choice but to attempt to cocktail-sip-stare him out. 

It probably felt a lot more threatening in his head.

Spencer tells Andy he doesn't respect him, so Andy has another go. 

"How about now, bitch!?"

Surprisingly, the cocktail-sip-stare still fails to work, and Andy and Louise are forced to give up their table and leave.

"People always seem to leave when they see me arriving at places!"

Meanwhile in Hampshire, Mark Francis has another one of his slaves servants bring him champagne. 

When the cameras aren't around, he makes them wear loincloths. 

Then the poor man has to stand there while the obnoxious bastard takes a phone call. 

"Hello, is that Mark Francis? This is the Obnoxious Bastard Police, we'd like you to come down to the station for questioning."

Just when you think the whole thing couldn't get any more smug and awful, fucking Victoria flies in by fucking helicopter. 

Why is there never an RPG around when you need one? 

Victoria has brought another new character with her, this one who I have named German Sophie. 

She is a fly.

Apparently they've just flown in for the polo, dahling. 

Why didn't they just have it delivered!? Idiots!

Back in Chelsea, Louise is shopping for new clothes.

Presumably because her current ones make her look like one quarter of a gay barbershop quartet.

She gets a text from Spencer saying Stephanie would like to meet her properly, so she tells them to meet her at Dior.

While she's doing that, Jamie, Binky and Lucy meet for ice cream. 

Over a Mr Whippy, the trio discuss the Energy and Climate Change Committee's upcoming meeting with the UK's energy bosses and the implications of electricity and gas price hikes. 

Just kidding! They eat sorbet out of wine glasses and talking about sodding Spencer AGAIN.

ARGH.

We cut back to  who are shopping. 

"I need something for polo." says Stephanie. 

?

Just when Stephanie is mid-flow about polos or whatever, Spencer interrupts her by saying "Look! It's the munchkin!"

Sadly, no. It's just boring old Louise.

Louise tells Spencer she didn't know he'd be there even though she just texted him to meet her there. 

Then she tells Stephanie that she and Spencer aren't friends. 

Then they all go shopping together.

Even Louise has to take a moment to wonder what the scriptwriter was playing at with this one.

"What the fuck am I doing here...?"

Back in Hampshire, Victoria, Mark and German Sophie have what could loosely be described as a conversation that may or may not be about wellies. 

A conversation that Victoria pouts her way through, using what may or may not be her real lips.

Mark asks German Sophie how her new collection is going -- to clumsily introduce us to the fact that she is a designer -- then immediately talks over her entire response. 

After this the scene mercifully ends, leaving me wondering whether I wouldn't have felt less bored watching footage of a bag blowing around in the wind.

Yep! This is 100% more interesting and contains approx. 80% less plastic than Victoria's face.
Win, win.

Fence agrees. 

See?

That night, Bob, Spencer and Jamie head to a bar called Reason and Mankind. 

When really it should be called Ignorance and Arseholes.

They talk about Spencer's relationship with Stephanie because why the fuck would they talk about anything else.

Spencer insists he is taking this relationship slowly but the boys disagree. "Has she bought her return ticket?" asks Jamie.

"Uh... no man, she's on a one way ticket." sweats Spencer.

"TO YOUR PENIS!" says Jamie, before cracking up because everyone knows the word 'penis' is naughty and hilarious. 

"I said 'penis'! Don't tell my au pair!"

Then they talk some more about Lucy. Jamie says she looks good. Spencer tells him to 'crack on' and I hate him so much I want to throw myself out of the window.

The only thing that cheers me up is how ridiculous Bob's hair is.

Top Knot-ch.

Talking of Lucy, it seems she's overnighting as a repairwoman as she dons her overalls and heads off to fix the toilets at The Hollywood Arms. 

Which got blocked by this guy on the left being a massive shit.

Oh, it turns out she's just going to meet Andy.

"You look a bit tired." she says kindly.

"I am tired, tired of thinking about all this crap." sighs Andy. 

Yeah well we're tired of watching it, Andy.

Uh oh, Andy has some news. He slept with Louise! 

LucyBot decides to cheer him up by telling him that she found out Louise is still texting Spencer. 

"LucyBot. Understands. How. To. Make. Human. Feel. Better."

The next day, it's finally time for all this polo shit the entire episode has been leading up to. 

Turns out it involves a whole lot more horses and a whole lot less mints than I imagined.

Everyone has come out for the occasion, even Bob's stupid hair.

Which is rapidly joined by Alex's ridiculous jacket. 

Francis says some German at German Sophie and it turns out it means he has a long penis!!!!!! 

Oh my God, that is just so AMUSING. The word penis is too FUNNY! It is just so HILARIOUS to say it all the time! Haha PENIS!

Ugh, Germans have no sense of humour.

Stevie's back!

Back from his Tango salesman conference.

He and Louise discuss Andy, obviously.

Louise has heard from her step sister that Andy slept with one of his ex girlfriends the previous night.

Barry Scott chimes in, much to the distaste of Tango representative Stevie. 

Nothing a flashy salesman hates more than another flashy salesman.

Barry reckons it's not Louise's fault that she bumps into Spencer all the time. In a sense, he is right because it's really more the script's fault.

Talking of the shit script, we then have to endure a little scene with Andy, Jamie, Binky and Lucy so that Andy can let us know he did not in fact sleep with anyone else.

That being wrapped up, he goes off to talk to Louise.

"CUT! We'll have to do this scene again, Jamie keeps putting things in his mouth."

Yes! The long-awaited Battle of Hats is about to begin as, elsewhere, Phoebe's giant beige hat sets its course for collision with Fran's giant black hat.

FIIIIRE!

Phoebe launches her first missile, saying she saw Fran and Alex hanging out at the restaurant. 

Sadly, her attire makes her look less like a threatening warship and more like a toddler trying on her mum's Sunday best.

This outfit neutralises even the bitchiest faces.

Cheska tries to join in the conversation again but Phoebe tells her to fuck off, then Fran to fuck off before eventually fucking off herself. 

After the encounter, Fran is so flustered that she tries to drink her sunglasses. 

Phoebe can do nothing but retire to the outside of an American beach house to look lonely. 

With nothing but Bob's hair for company.

Also looking lonely is Lucy, until Stephanie decides to wander over for a chat.

Stephanie doesn't understand LucyBot's natural facial expressions so she thinks Lucy is giving her dirty looks. 

"Am I giving you dirty looks?" asks Lucy.

Whilst giving Stephanie a dirty look.

It's a good job Stephanie came over though, as Lucy has some home truths for her about Spencer and his cheating ways.

That's Spencer's cue, and he barges in as aggressively as normal. Poor Stephanie is looking more and more uncomfortable as the episode goes on. 

Bet you regret not getting that return ticket, eh Steph? Bet you're feeling like a bit of a Pratt now hmm? ;) ;)

Probably not for the first time in her life, Stephanie is dragged home by a woman-hating bastard called Spencer.

Meanwhile, Phoebe's lonely reverie is interrupted by Jamie.

I think I'd rather stay lonely.

They start to have a conversation but Mother Nature has had enough and starts flinging wasps at them. 

I think, when the Earth itself hates you, it's probably time to leave the show.

To distract from the wasps, Phoebe begins one of her weird flirting rituals. Instead of dry humping Jamie in a hot tub, this time she rubs her hair on her face.

This is... sexy?

Awkwarder and awkwarder! Phoebe is obviously going in for the kill but Jamie just isn't getting it.

Finally he asks her out on a date.

"Have you ever been golfing?" he asks.

What did you expect Phoebe? It was either going to be that or a trip round some sort of chocolate factory.

UGH, Louise and Andy AGAIN.

What I wouldn't give for one of those horses just to hoof them all the way off my screen.

Louise brings up the rumour she heard about Andy. "Dude", she says, like she's one of the fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

Andy isn't having any of it this time though, he's pissed off that she saw Spencer and he lets her know it. 

I think it might be high time for a cheeky game of...

HOW LONG UNTIL LOUISE CRIES

The eyebrows are coming together...

The forehead is wrinkling...

Her eyes are getting a bit red...

Oh my God this is taking FOREVER. Come on Andy, speed it up a bit.

"I think we should break up." says Andy.

Boom! Atta boy! Tear-iffic work.

It only gets better as well, as Louise claims that she is now more upset than she ever was with Spencer.

"At least with Spencer I expected this kind of behaviour." she sniffs.

"Oh, shut up Louise." says Andy.

You tell old Wet Eyes, Andy, you tell her. 

This means Episode 1 ended with someone telling Spencer to go fuck himself and Episode 2 ended with someone telling Louise to shut up. 

All we need now is for Episode 3 to end with someone telling Phoebe she has a face like a smacked arse and I will be a very happy bunny.

Talking of Episode 3...

Next week on Made In Chelsea

- More wet dry humping.

- Phoebe buys a really shit Metal Gear Solid costume. 

- And approximately 500,000 people throw up simultaneously. 

I don't know which of these people I feel more sorry for.

See you next week!