Made In Chelsea: Series 6 Episode 5 - Illumi-PARTY

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- Upon 'choosing Phoebe', Jamie tried to make his life easier by breaking LucyBot's neck.

Only to have her break free and then chase him through the park screaming "EXTERMINATE."

- And Spencer did something he'd always wanted to do.

On Jamie's face.

Talking of Jamie, this week's QOTD comes from the albino aberration himself.

Apparently Jamie is now also an avid fan of gardening.

#Fencewatch! BAM -- but a minute into the programme and we have Fence.

Made In Chelsea knows what the people really want.

In a cafe, some cake is sliced next to a strawberry.

Let them eat cake. And Bloody Marys.

Nearby, Jamie and Binky exist.

Some people exist better than others.

Jamie is feeling sorry for himself. Now that Lucy hates him, Spencer and the gang hate him and Phoebe has a boyfriend, Jamie reckons Binky is his only friend.

"Great."

We find out that Spencer hates Jamie so much that he's invited him to a boys' dinner party.

Posh people do feuds differently to normal people.

FENCE!

This episode is shaping up to be the pinnacle of bold, in-your-face Fence action.

Ashamed about what he did on Jamie's face last week, Spencer is in yet another therapy session.

He is still bleating about Jamie's Lucy-based betrayal.

The therapist looks fascinated.

"Yep, yep, yep, mmhm, yep, how does that make you feel, yeah, yep, mmhm."

However, things go a little weird when she finds out that Spencer is single.

"Really, that's so interesting... wait... you're single now?"

INSTANT SEX HAIR.

Not far away, Louise's Spencer-senses tell her that her beloved is about to have sex with his own therapist and she suddenly has a lot of aggression to get out.

Either that or she just randomly felt like punching Rosie. It happens.

They take a break to make boring mouth noises about Andy.

Uh oh! Louise's arch-enemy LucyBot is out running with her dog, Kevin.

Robots don't really understand pet names.

Louise takes off her gloves and I'm expecting a battle royale on the bridge but instead they all just have a natter about how awful Phoebe is.

Girls, I don't disagree with you but where is all the FIGHTING.

Lucy relays the gossip that, despite all her to-ing and fro-ing with Jamie, Phoebe actually already has a boyfriend.

She also says, "And they're in love. Or whatever."

"Whatever that is!"

Back at the cafe, Jamie and Binky discuss Binky's budding relationship with Lego-haired Alex.

Binky does this twice:

Which is a wonderful pictorial way to tell you how interesting that conversation is.

In a shop filled with suits, Stevie tries to stick a tie to his neck.

He never learned to how to use ties because his mum always took them off him in case he accidentally hanged himself.

Stevie has another date with Flooflypuff so he has come shopping with Andy Potter the boy wizard.

I wish I could Avada Kedavra these glasses.

Apparently these two have been invited to the 'boys' dinner' as well.

Andy is not keen on going. He is worried Spencer might try to get back together with Louise.

Stevie is just worried about remembering which one is a knife and which one is a fork.

Andy seems to be right to worry as, later that night and while moonlighting as a streetwalker, Louise bumps into Spencer. 

I told you he was going to have to start paying for sex.

Apparently, therapy sessions aren't enough for Spencer as he now begins to bore Louise with his feelings too. 

"I'm not your girlfriend and I'm not being paid so why am I here?"

Spencer is horrible about Stephanie for a bit.

"Did you ever cheat on her?" asks Louise.

"Everyone's going to assume I have anyway..." whines Spencer. 

"But yes, yes I did. Obviously."

The conversation gets more and more bizarre by the minute, with Spencer suddenly declaring Louise is still in love with him or something.

"You are visibly hurt from even seeing me." he declares at Louise's rapidly retreating back.

He has a point though. I too find it painful to look at him.

The next day, Mark Francis and Victoria look at fancy pants houses in a fancy pants estate agents.

"We'd like to learn more about Help to Buy... HAHAHA JUST KIDDING!
We'll take all the houses you've got."

Then it's time for us to enjoy: 

House Hunting with Mark Francis!

That night, Spencer gears up for the Young Tory Party Convention. 

Otherwise known at the Illumi-PARTY.

The boys exchange some bizarre Latin password as they're seated. 

"Ego sum bastardus..."

"Bastardus est..."

"Sumus omnes bastardi!"

Then I nearly throw up in my mouth as they all squeal and cackle and yell "Spot the Etonians!"

Spot the wankers.

"Eviestay ancay eakspay atinlay ootay!"

Spencer asks where Jamie is but Bob is not sure Jamie is coming. 

Then the Illumi-party gets underway with some eating and a LOT of terrifying laughing.

"Today: this creepy room. Tomorrow: THE WORLD! Muahahahaha!"

Then Jamie arrives. 

Fun. Over.

Jamie's arrival prompts Spencer to make a swift exit, heading outside for a cigar with Alex (even though it was Spencer who invited Jamie in the first place).

To ease the tension, Stevie starts blabbering about his upcoming date with Tixylix. 

"Daaaaaaaaate."

The boys bicker about whether or not he should text her. 

Stevie reckons it would be a good idea to send a text saying 'Great seeing you at the gig the other day, when are we going to make our own music?'

Spot the Etonians!

Much to Stevie's horror and everyone else's amusement, Jamie presses 'send'.

"Now I'll never be able to get a girlfriend even more than I could never get a girlfriend before!"

If Spencer and Jamie fighting has turned the world on its side, it's about to be turned fully upside down as Lucy and Louise go on a date!

Whaaaaat. 

 Lucy apologises for being a robot and Louise apologises for being a crybaby.

"You're only human." says LucyBot, who has read about them. "That guy took you to Hell and back."

"Yah." agrees Louise. "Literally."

NO, LOUISE. He did not LITERALLY take you to Hell and back or I'm sure you would be looking a lot more charred and a lot less soggy right now.

Back at the Illumi-party, Spencer returns to the table and immediately begins arguing with Jamie until they are both orange in the face.

For people who spend most of their lives in subterranean cocktail bars they really are very orange aren't they?

Bob gets involved then Stevie gets involved, telling everyone that Jamie actually spent the night with Lucy again this week.

This disappoints Spencer who never sleeps with girls he isn't supposed to sleep with.

In fact, Spencer is so angry that his quiff starts collapsing.

Not quite the Hulk but still...

After much posturing and quiff-wringing, Jamie concedes that he will have no more to do with Lucy if it upsets Spencer.

"No Fucking Exes!" cheer the group and everyone is friends again. Delightful. 

There's no danger of Spencer fucking any of his exes anyway as, back in the bar, Lucy and Louise make a pact never to go back to him and also to tell Stephanie that he cheated on her.

"I will definitely probably maybe not go back to Spencer."

Andy also has this on his mind and we cut back to him asking Spencer if he plans on getting back together with any of his exes.

Spencer tells Andy he saw Louise the other day and that he thinks she is not over him. Andy agrees that Spencer was a big issue in his and Louise's relationship. 

"What? Just for existing!?" scoffs Spencer. 

Yes, Spencer. Your existence is a big problem for many of us.

The next day, Binky, Andy and Lucy meet Stevie before his date with Tifferbelle. 

Lucy asks what Stevie likes best about his date.

"Her laugh." he responds.

To be fair, she does laugh a LOT.

#Fencewatch!

Fence is doing well this episode, clocking up three appearances already.

Elsewhere, Francis is still alive!

And he's having a playdate with Bob. How nice.

Phoebe turns up too.

Her outfit today is 'nineties jogger who doesn't care what they look like because they're exercising'.

She says she was on holiday with 'a group of friends', which we know to be a big fat PhoebLIE.

Then we're back to Binky, Andy and Lucy who are discussing how Jamie is in love with Lucy.

Yep, I am bored of this too LucyBot.

They then select Spencer from their list of five things they like talking about, and discuss whether or not Louise will sleep with him again. (I'm 88% sure that she will)

Andy also remembers to mention there will be an end-of-the-episode party at which everyone can fight. 

"Really? We're doing that again?"

Back at the boys' house, Jamie has turned up.

Bob and Francis run out of lines and walk off the set, leaving Jamie and Phoebe to catch up. 

Jamie immediately asks whether Phoebe was just on holiday with her boyfriend. 

Phoebe doesn't know what to say so she merely sits still and smiles vaguely for a very long time.

This is a gif.

Jamie has a go at her for making him look like an idiot.

Uuuummmm...

Phoebe pouts her way through the conversation, before helpfully suggesting that Lucy will probably take him back.

THESE PEOPLE ARE SO WEIRD.

Talking of weird, Spencer's three exes meet up for a drink.

Although if they're starting an 'I Hate Spencer' club, I want in.

Stephanie tells the girls about her break-up with Spencer. She is leaving to go back to America that very night.

"You guys weren't exclusive though, right?" says Lucy, who is not very tactful when it comes to telling people they've been cheated on.

The girls eventually come out with it and tell Stephanie Spencer cheated on her. Probably lots.

Hope you enjoyed your stay in England! Come back soon!

Meanwhile, Stevie is on his date with A-Tiff-yoo. I really think the pair might be a match made in heaven.

"YEAAAAH! SHAKING STUFF!"

The pair discuss their dates so far.

"Pizza-making to cocktail-making to..." says Stevie.

"...Baby-making?" says Tifflypuff. 

"OH MY GOD DID I PUT A BABY IN YOU WHEN WE KISSED?"

Back at the I Hate Spencer party, Spencer turns up.

This is surely the worst outcome for an I Hate Spencer party.

Or any party for that matter.

Lucy and Louise leave Spencer and Stephanie to talk. This does not go well.

Spencer claims he cheated on Stephanie because she moved in with him without asking.

"You told me not to go to a hotel!" says Stephanie. 

"I didn't want to incur you the cost!" says Spencer, who is a GENTLEMAN don'tcha know.

I don't know how she kept a straight face at this point.

Eventually she just calls him a dick and leaves. Which is how most conversations with Spencer Matthews end.

"Free..." Spencer Gollums to himself as she walks off. 

No Spencer, she said 'dick'.

The next day the end-of-episode-fighting-party finally happens. 

I can't quite catch the theme of the party but, judging by the look of the girl in the background, it's 'Slutty Stig of the Dump'.

Stevie tells Andy and Bob about his date. He claims to have had 'flirtatious banter about sex and stuff'.

It turns out he's just talking about Tiddlywink's weird 'baby-making' comment.

Love that sexy flirtatious placenta-based banter.

In case you missed Phoebe hugging her ex (and Binky's new boyfriend) Alex inappropriately earlier, they also share some gum and touch a lot.

A Phoeb-le attempt at flirtation.

Binky's all like 'whaaaaaat'.

To be fair Binky is often like 'whaaaaat'.

Phoebe comes over to have a go at Fran for spreading rumours about her. 

"Hmmmm... were these the rumours that you're a bitch or the rumours that you're a mega-bitch? Because yes, I spread both of those."

Fran quite reasonably points out that Phoebe is clearly in the wrong but it doesn't matter because Phoebe thinks Fran is a FUCKING BITCH.

She thinks you're a fucking bitch too, Fence.

"She's a fucking bitch." - Fence.

There's a really pointless scene where Mark Francis and Victoria wave at some antiques...

See?

...then we're back at the party where Stevie has tracked down his date bullmasTiff in order to do his best date-face at her.

"I'm ready for some more of that flirtatious baby-related banter now."

He finally comes out with it and asks her to be his girlfriend.

Tiffypops laughs (duh)... and then turns him down.

"Hahahaha! ... but, no."

Phoebe finds Jamie to make up with him. She proves that she didn't just pursue him to piss off Lucy by asking about Lucy then saying, "You chose me over her. Hahaha!"

Fence was right about you, Phoebe.

Then Lucy turns up, yaay!

Do your worst LucyBot.

Sadly, Lucy just calls Phoebe a hypocrite and then Phoebe walks off before anyone can get decapitated by Robot Laser Eyes. 

BOOOOOORING.

Jamie and Lucy have a really stupid argument, in which Lucy tries to be honest and Jamie does a lot of noises that don't mean anything. 

I call this the 'Boris Johnson technique'.

There are some fish and then Andy walks over a bridge of apples to find Louise.

What is this party??

Louise questions Andy's outfit and he says, "Well it's jungle, obviously."

Is this theme of this party 'jungle'??

Then why is the girl in the background dressed like a Camden toy soldier?

They talk a bit about Spencer and then they stare at the floor for ages and then that's the fucking end.

OH MY GOD DO MORE STUFF.

Next week on Made In Chelsea

- Andy stands next to Spencer while holding a gun yet doesn't shoot him.

This must be some sort of sacrilege.

- Louise cries.

Yep.

- And then Louise cries again.

Brilliant.

See you next week!