BAD TV: They might be back but so am I - Made in Chelsea NYC: Episode 1

You know what, Made in Chelsea was bad enough when it was just based in the UK. It already gives a lot of young Londoners a bad name, especially if you went to private school (it wasn't my fault, okay? I was a happy-go-lucky little Cockney sparrow until my parents picked me up and Eliza Dolittled me into the blogger you see today).

It's bad enough that this show has caused people from outside the capital to hear that you're from London and immediately assume you've shagged Spencer Matthews.

A fate worse than getting your face stuck in the tube doors or having a pigeon shit on you or getting run over by a Routemaster.

It was bad enough when Made in Chelsea was embarrassing Londoners on a national scale but now they've taken this shit global. If it wasn't enough that everyone in England thinks Londoners are vapid, vain and venomous, now everyone in New York has to be exposed to this crapaganda too.

Phoebe, Monica, Rachel, Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda are never going to want to be friends with me now.

Made in Chelsea has poisoned the Big Apple. They are already a maggot in our fine city and us Londoners shouldn't stand for them infecting someone else's.

So we shall unite and punish them. Punish them by watching their show every week and making fun of their moronic problems and laughing at their silly hair.

Yeah! LONDON!

Made in Chelsea NYC: Episode 1 - I hope they have fences in America

Previously on Made in Chelsea

I skipped a whole season so I'm just going to have to make a few educated guesses here:

Binky joined a murderous death cult?

- For some reason, someone had to explain what an orgy was to LucyBot.

"You just plug into... everyone??"

- Binky's murderous death cult made a good start by attempting to slap Alex's stupid head right off his body.

They didn't show it but his head popped off right after this and they had to send a runner to the Lego store to buy a new one.

- After slapping Alex's Legohead off, Binky kissed it better and Cheska and LucyBot felt the need to be involved in this decision.

Hahaha look at Barry Scott's face. I forgot about Barry Scott.

- In fact, so many people felt the need to be involved in this decision that Binky and Alex held some kind of public fucking forum about it.

What the hell is this??

And... that's it. Is that really all that happened in series 7? Actually I'm not that surprised.

Our very first MIC NYC Quote Of The Day comes from Stevie "We could probably get away with not inviting him to a party" Johnson.

Stevie bases most of his life opinions on the film American Pie.

Er, what is going on?

Sorry, I was expecting fences of some sort?

Really, I think there must have been a mistake?

Well New York sucks already.

MiC's normal supercool LAHNDAHN soundtrack is replaced by some music by a Canadian band from 1999 because no one could be bothered to actually do any research.

"This is so FETCH! That's American, right??"

The boys yell about how much they love this ciddy baby and it's already too much for me.

Here's to hoping this road trip has a Thelma & Louise-style ending.

OH, HELLO!

I KNEW YOU'D MAKE IT, FENCE!

The girls wander round posh shops in New York, just like they wandered round posh shops in Chelsea i.e. wearing stupidly high heels and saying that everything is literally all of the adjectives.

These shoes are literally awful for your spinal health.

Not wanting to be left out, a lonesome LucyBot activates her jet engines and propels herself through the air towards the city.

She even has some inflight time to practise her emotions.

Oh great, it seems Mark Francis and Victoria have yet to be shelved so we have to listen to them babbling on about how it's so great that Central Park is an oasis outside of the city but also inside of the city.

"I LOVE THINGS THAT ARE INSIDE THE OUTSIDE OF A CITY."

I have a feeling a lot of this episode is going to be people trying to be profound but really just saying a lot of dumb shit about New York.

Elsewhere, the others are 'pardying'.

I'm so embarrassed for London.

Everyone is SO EXCITED to be in NEW YORK.

Which brings me to the question, why is everyone in New York again?

Our second dumb shit statement comes from Rosie when she declares that brunch is a religion in the Big Apple.

They list breakfast items for a bit so we'll go over to the boys and play a game of Whose Hair Is Worse? with Spencer and Stevie.

Slickéd dickhead?

or...

...I don't even know what this is.

The boys reckon that Stevie can 'get laid' in America just because he's English.

Haha yeah all American girls are idiots.

They're horrifically sexist some more and then they yell things at New York off the top of a building.

"Fuck off?" - New York.

There is a new person who is a girl called Billie which is a boy's name.

That was only cool when Ms. Holiday did it.

She bumps into Lucy and asks if Lucy knows Mark Francis because she has a British accent.

Surely the question should be, do you know Mark Francis because we're at a Made in Chelsea party in New York and I know you're in the cast and Mark Francis is over there?

Maybe the boys were right about American girls.

Billie keeps offering to show everyone a good time. I think Billie might be a hooker.

The word 'hooker' pricks up the ears of Spencer and Jamie who race over to fight for/pay for Billie's affections.

"DO YOU LIKE SWEETS?" asks Jamie, who left his unmarked black van outside.

It's bad when even the robot knows that's a terrible opener.

If Jamie loves sweets a lot then Billie loves them even more as it turns out her parents are in the 'candy business' too!

Billie's parents.

I'm finding it hard to adjust to the new external scenery shots.

I understand the bus but what are those weird yellow things?

Also the tube stations are way too ostentatious.

Where are all the pigeons eating drunk people's last night sick?

Binky arrives, only to be immediately distressed by the station's large flag.

"Oh NO, why am I in Norway??"

Luckily, Claudia Winkleman is there to look after her.

Binky's sister is Claudia Winkleman.

Binky tells Claudia Winkleman that she's finished with Alex. (I'm presuming because of this orgy he's supposed to have had?)

Alex's orgy.

Back at the party there's awkward dancing and more people who think it's just AMAZING to be in New York, namely Rosie, Cheska and Stevie.

They talk about Lucy for a bit, just in time for Lucy to turn up and call Rosie a bitch.

Stevie makes a mental note to help Lucy go over her 'good words' and 'bad words' lists.

Why does everyone hate Lucy now? Did she terminate someone? Where is Phoebe? Did Lucy terminate Phoebe??

Wouldn't that make everyone love Lucy?

I have no idea what's going on but, just when I'm feeling ready to pack it all in...

You keep me strong, fence.

The next morning, some of the girls are doing yoga and Made in Chelsea thinks it's really funny to make it look like Louise and the instructor are having sex! TEE HEE!

I'm becoming increasingly suspicious that MiC is made by 17 year old boys.

Then we head over to Claudia Winkleman's flat.

Claudia Winkleman lives in an art gallery where one of the exhibitions is a bed that's not quite long enough.

Binky talks for such a long time about Alex. Seriously it goes on forever. Apparently she feels like an idiot.

"I actually thought I was in Norway! But like, why do they have a Norwegian flag in an American train station??"

Claudia Winkleman says some stuff about how Binky has to wear nappies and I think this is a conversation they need to have in private so we'll go back to sex yoga.

"I COULD FEEL HIS DICK ON MY BACK!" crows Rosie.

Rosie is 76% sure she knows what a dick is.

They sit on the floor and discuss the previous day's events because what else is there to do in the world's most famous city?

Louise talks about 'the stress of the brunch party' and I must commend her for keeping a straight face.

"I guess that's what religion does to people..."

Meanwhile, the boys are playing baseball.

Bob turns up with some American guy called Alik who does LEATHER for a living. Because of this, he is helping Bob do some denim. I think? I have no idea what they're talking about.

Also someone should tell them that leather and denim are two different materials.

Similarly talking nonsense is Louise, who is attempting to chat up the yoga instructor. Luckily the poor man is saved by the bell -- or rather, the obnoxious ringtone -- as Louise is phoned by Binky.

Binky would like everyone to know she has dumped Alex once and for all. Louise relays this news to the other girls.

Binky's BFFs are very happy for her.

See?

The boys have finished playing baseball and are walking through the park making rich people noises. Alik is impressed by the Englishmen's baseball skills and reckons they 'must have come from cricket or whatever'.

Yeah cricket's not a place, Alik.

Oh my god, they too have a conversation about brunch. "Brunch is huge out here!" exclaims Alik like that's a normal thing to say.

Is this episode sponsored by Brunch?

It's either sponsored by brunch or backwards caps.

In the grand old Made in Chelsea tradition of doing fuck all and talking about nothing, LucyBot and Billie take a stroll through the park.

They also do nothing and talk about fuck all.

We cut to Binky ditching Claudia Winkleman in order to move in with Rosie and Louise and then it's NIGHTTIME IN NEW YORK.

Or is it nighttime in the FUTURE? I don't even know, NEW YORK IS CRAZY.

The boys are out doing crazy New York things.

Like bowling.

Spencer tells a really boring story about tacos.

Cool story Spencer. Bob looks like he'd just love to hear it again.

They also talk about Binky and Alex breaking up...

...but I can't concentrate because Jamie is doing that awful one rolled up sleeve thing again.

Fencewatch!

I must say, American fence does lack the elegance of English fence.

In more crazy classic New York nighttime activity, Louise, Rosie, Binky and Claudia Winkleman are eating sushi.

OUTSIDE!?

So crazy.

So New York.

We also find out that Louise shits herself if you touch her with crabsticks. Use that information how you will.

One person who is not doing crazy New York nighttime things is Lucy who has no friends and is sitting in her apartment with Stevie.

Having Stevie as a friend counts as having no friends.

Lucy has invited Billie over as she would like to set Billie up with Stevie instead of having her become the prey of Spencer and Jamie.

She tries to help Stevie out by saying she'll wink at him if he's acting weird.

Unfortunately LucyBot has only read about winking in books.

Billie's here! Quick, Stevie, do your best cool face!

Oh... okay, well... never mind.

The whole matchmaking encounter is, as you can probably guess, horrific.

In fact I think Lucy has given up pretending she's human and is now just messing with everyone for her own amusement.

Luckily Spencer, Bob and Jamie have decided to throw a house party so this awkward threesome disbands to go to that instead.

"RAD!" yells Stevie.

Oh LucyBot. Well, you tried.

Those wacky sushi eaters in the park have been invited to the party too, although they're worried about seeing Lucy. Cue lots of adolescent bitching.

Claudia Winkleman can't be doing with this shit.

Leaving Claudia behind, the girls go to the party in order to look pissed off about being there.

Why did you go??

Lured over to a drinks table set up by the producers, two of the frenemies are forced to come face to face.

"Damn it this vodka was a TRAP."

They start on common ground, namely how amazing it is to be in New York.

Yeah, we get it guys.

Then they talk about jet lag. My god this is boring.

"Can we just start fighting already?"

Sadly they don't fight, Binky just makes a half-hearted apology andOHMYGOD they just called Alex 'Legohead'!

Did I make that up?
I think I made that up??

They hug and make up and everyone's happy, especially me because I'm pretty sure the words I make up will soon be in the dictionary.

Legohead

noun

1. informal

A cheating orgy bastard.

Louise and Rosie are introduced to Alik by Bob. Alik is intense and creepy at Louise.

Which, naturally, she loves.

She agrees to go on a date with him so hopefully he turns out to be awful and we get some Louise tears instead of all this uncharacteristic happiness.

'Cause otherwise we're going to have to have a hosepipe ban soon.

After making up with Cheska, Binky is doing some moping on a balcony. A quite patently wasted Jamie joins her. He asks how she is like a drunk distant relative at a party who's vaguely aware you're going through a break-up.

"Don't... worry eh, Binksh? Love is waiting in the sea... There are plenty more fish round the corner."

It doesn't go very well and Binky ends up yelling at him for choosing Alex over her.

"I forget what we are talking about."

Luckily Lucy appears so Jamie tags her in and legs it.

ROUND 2.

Before we get to enjoy the big fight we have some silly filler of Spencer being a twat.

I think we're all familiar with this concept so let's go back to Lucy and Binky.

UGH Binky is SO BAD AT FIGHTING.

Instead of one of the girls getting pushed off the top of a roof in a proper episode cliffhanger, they just hug and make friends again too.

It's like I don't even know you anymore, LucyBot.

Drunk Jamie isn't having any of that though. There are two things Jamie loves in life and they are sweets and toys. He's got sweets and now he wants his Lego.