According to the beginning of Saturday's show, last week:
The Battle Continued:
Disappointingly, sans any actual bloodshed.
A lot of people went 'Ohhhh ohh woah-oh':
"Ohhohohwoah woah woah woah, what do you mean I might actually end up owing Simon Cowell money??"
...and some people did impressions of the usual range of emotions I experience as I watch the X Factor:
"Meh", "Pfft!" and "Bleeuuuarghh", respectively.
This week:
Gary thinks Kye is AWFUL:
Gary thinks Kye is AWFUL:
"You left sooty footprints all over the carpet and you didn't even bother to unblock the flue properly!"
Firstname Lastname/Lastname Firstname sensation James Arthur COLLAPSES:
"He's not getting enough votes, someone knock him out."
And Lucy and Rylan get THROWN OUT of the HOTEL for being DRUNK and AWESOME:
I don't even need to see the rest, this is by far my favourite performance of the week already.
Don't you dare apologise Lucy. Tulisa told you to 'be who you gotta be' and sometimes that requires falling asleep inside some unidentified packaging.
Dermot and his merry band of tarts are back and I'm about to make some comment about how none of these women are his wife when this happens:
...what?
In case you can't make that out, that's Dermot doing multiple backflips towards the front of the stage. It's obviously not actually Dermot so I'm expecting a Carry On-esque comedy swap at the end of the performance, where the real Dermot runs on stage and the stuntman runs off (maybe they even bump into each other in the process -- hee hee!) and it's all very charming and British.
In actual fact, we cut to Dermot squatting in front of the judges as though it really was him Cirque Du Soleil-ing all over the shop. He's even sweating. How did they do that? Was the ending pre-recorded? Why are they going to such great lengths to make it look real? Are they genuinely trying to make us believe that was him or is it meant to be a joke?
What am I supposed to make of this??
No one deigns to explain themselves and I'm left feeling a little baffled as we plough on with the show.
This week's theme is 'club classics'. Shit off.
The judges come on and there is nothing particularly remarkable about what they're wearing:
Except for Nicole who looks a bit like you might be able to flip her dress up and turn her into a cupcake.
Today's blast from the past is sponsored by Cupcake Dolls! Does anyone remember these? They used to smell like candyfloss if candyfloss was made out of organic polymers.
First up is Mr. C. Baloney. Gary is worried about him singing a club classic but as far as I'm aware, his greatest talents are crying and falling over and that's what most people do in clubs anyway.
He's got 'Oceana Chic' down to a tee.
Brian's attempts to make him dance also look uncomfortably rapey:
Don't worry, I'm fairly sure that's just a bit of the shirt tied round that guy's waist.
He launches into Waiting For A Star To Fall by Boy Meets Girl and is almost immediately upstaged by a dancer flashing her bare behind at the crowd.
The performance is okay although there is no sign of all the dancing he was banging on about.
Nicole thinks he is like a warm cheese toastie, potentially ruining one of my favourite lunchtime dishes forever.
Tulisa seems to be in a shocking mood and, in addition to barely cracking a smile all night, treats Christopher to some pretty harsh criticism.
What's the matter T? Cat got your sex tape?
Next up is Fresh Prince of Milton Keynes: MK1.
They're having trouble because they're worried that singing something too underground will make people hate them and singing pop will make people hate them.
They're having trouble because they're worried that singing something too underground will make people hate them and singing pop will make people hate them.
When whatever you do makes people hate you, you ought to start realising that there's a common denominator.
They decide on a mash-up between Gypsy Woman by Crystal Waters (otherwise known as that song that goes 'la da dee la da dah, la da dee la da dah') and Pass Out by Tinie Tempah.
Neither of the words in Tinie Tempah's name are spelled correctly. He is 100% incorrect.
I'm surprised to find that I don't hate the first half and then reassured when I do hate the second half. (Tinie Tempah's awful right? We're all in agreement? Good.)
All the judges agree with me except Nicole who calls it 'shamazing'...?
What the hell is 'shamazing' Nicole? Also, oh my god, why are your nails chained together?
It's time for the Jahmene event! There's been some pretty horrible stories about his family in the press recently and he had the decency not to use his sob story in auditions so I feel like I can't quite be as mean to him this week.
UNLESS they've been waiting for his popularity to dip to release the story so that they have something suitably heartbreaking with which to encourage a pity vote. In which case, congrats to the wardrobe department for dressing him like a giant ventriloquist's dummy:
The judges have no choice but to be extra nice to him. He still cries anyway.
Just goes to show there's no cheering up some people.
According to Tulisa, Jade Ellis has had the worst. Week. EVER.
And it's not even because she's been spotted here looking like E.T. in a wig.
No, apparently Jade is losing her voice! We're treated to a disgusting view of the inside of Jade because X Factor producers hate the public.
Just tell me that her vocal chords are swollen. I do not need to see it.
Jade partakes in a number of pagan rituals to try and save her voice, such as worshipping bowls of water:
And pretentiously writing bullshit on an iPad:
She's singing You're Free by Yomanda with a whole host of male models even though she's openly gay:
Why was Spraggers allowed to have hot women?
I am entirely distracted from the judges' comments because Brian the choreographer is dressed like a vampire!
Brian the Vampire -- the worst demon name in history.
Next up it's James and the Giant Fuss Over Nothing.
Last Saturday, he had a severe attack of 'shit Jahmene has a sob story' but he's all right now if anyone cares. No? Okay, let's move on then.
He's decided to have a bit of fun by singing Sexy And I Know It by LMFAO.
I think it's supposed to be funny because he's not.
Still, it's actually pretty good and James even gets to borrow Dermot's Prozzie Parade for a little bit, which he seems to enjoy.
A real boy band would be able to find excitable girls at a trainspotters' convention.
Just FYI boys: the girls are not following you around, they are shopping.
They're singing another manly classic: When Love Takes Over by Kelly Rowland.
When oestrogen takes over.
It's pretty much impossible to hear the judges over the screaming from the crowd but it sounds positive. They are probably afraid that negative comments will cause the band's rabid fans to swarm the panel and devour the judges' faces bath-salts style.
Looks like Rylan is inexplicably back for another week! He admits to being loud, Essex, and orange but -- like Jahmene and his nervous laugh -- Rylan has a traumatic reason for his behaviour.
He used to be ginger.
Now the judges can't be mean to him either.
Hang on, Rylan seems to think the problem was that he looked like the moon. Never mind.
Tonight Matthew, Rylan is going to be Lady Gaga again! (if Lady Gaga sang Don't Stop The Music by Rihanna).
Lady RyRy
Half way through the performance, Rylan feels it necessary to apologise for his behaviour.
In general?
The critiques are mixed although Louis loves it because: half-naked man. The fact that Rylan can't really sing doesn't matter anyway because everyone agrees that the choreography has stolen the show as usual.
"Brian the Vampire is pleased with your flattery."
Uh oh, Lucy's in trouble. Along with the honour of being the first X Factor contestant to sing an original song, she's also now the first to be filmed with a hangover.
"Whyy am I still on this shitty shoow?"
She and Rylan have been made an example of by being kicked out of the fancy hotel but we aren't shown where they have moved to so I can only assume it's another fancy hotel.
She's singing 'Titanium' by David Guetta feat. Sia with her own verses thrown in for good measure.
It's much more believable than when Jahmene sang it, that's all I'm saying.
Once again, Nicole compares the performance to food -- this time it was 'a great little cup of tea and yummy piece of toast' -- which makes me wonder whether her management let her eat anything.
Gary asks to have a private chat with Kye about how shit he was last week, presumably to save Kye the embarrassment of everyone hearing him being slagged off by his own mentor.
Naturally their little chat is fully mic'ed up and filmed so we all get to witness his humiliation anyway. Yaay!
"Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat." - It's okay Kye, just tell everyone he was showing you the new Rightmove app.
Gary gently lets Kye know that he sang 32 flat notes in two minutes and that he is awful. After those words of encouragement, Kye's all fired up for this week's performance!
And by that I mean it looks like he is literally about to be burnt at the stake:
Is this another chimney sweep joke? Even I'm getting tired of those. Well, not really, but mine are better.
He still sounds pretty flat to me but I have some sympathy because sitting him on a giant bonfire probably didn't help.
Nicole doesn't care that he doesn't always hit the right note because she only cares if something has meaning. This is funny because 90% of the things she says have no meaning whatsoever.
Oh Gary, don't nod when someone calls you a genius you smug bastard.
District 3's mentor is even worse for their chances of survival than Haymitch Abernathy but this week he gives them a slightly more modern song in the shape of Beggin' by Madcon.
Beggin', beggin' wardrobe, to stop dressing people in bow ties.
I feel a bit sorry for them because they aren't given the screaming girls at the front of the stage or the Topshop ogle-fest that Union J had. Probably because they look too much like children.
Which makes this all kinds of wrong.
The judges think they're good though so I guess no one will be putting them out of their misery just yet.
Closing the show is Adele-a Henderson!
At least it's better than Yoko Ono.
Apparently she's going to be dancing although, after Baloney, I'm not holding out much hope.
Yep, she barely moves except for some arm waving. Still, being just about the only person who can actually sing in this entire competition, all is forgiven.
Gary thinks that the dance routine was something Steps did which is stupid because everyone knows the dance routine to Tragedy and it ain't that. It's okay though because Tulisa puts him in his place by screaming at him like an angry chav on a night bus.
THE RESULTS:
What crummy ex-X Factor contestant are we dragging out of the cupboard this week Dermot?
It's: JLSssshhhhh zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Labrinth and Emili Sandé will also be skipped by me this week because, like 'Tinie Tempah' [sic], neither of them can spell their own names properly.
For future reference guys, it should be Labyrinth and Emily Sandy.
Union J
Ella
James
Rylan
Christopher
Jahmene
District 3
Lucy
and Jade
Meaning that yet another of Gazza's acts is in the sing off. Not so smug now Borelow!
MK1 are singing Man Who Can't Be Moved by The Script
The Script: so urban.
It is not very good.
In a last act of desperation, Gary introduces Kye by explaining that he's had flu all week.
Inadvertent lols.
Kye is singing Turn Down The Lights by Shanice.
"Turn down the lights and turn up the fire instead because I'm going to need the work when I get kicked off this show."
But he doesn't need to worry too much because the judges go to deadlock again. Since everyone hates roundabouts, the public vote off MK1.
... and Kye can put away his extendable broom for one more week.
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