Made In Chelsea: Rubbish soap or horrifying reality?

I'll put my hands up and admit it: I voluntarily watched Made In Chelsea when it first came out. No one made me do it. The premise of a young cast of Londoners made it sound like I might be watching people who danced alongside me at Afterskool or who tested their fake IDs on the same bouncers at Koko. People I could identify with.

I was horribly, horribly wrong.

10% vanity. 10% riches. 80% evil. 

What I actually witnessed was a smug-fest of slimy boys and frothy girls who couldn't seem to make their minds up whether they wanted to be shit actors or loathed reality TV stars. The whole show toes a confused line between soap and real life -- the obviously scripted scenes make it too fake to be a reality show but the awful acting negates any willing suspension of disbelief you feel when watching similarly ridiculous fictional dramas. 

However, I reasoned, it's been a long time since that first series. I should watch the first two episodes of the new series to see if the producers have realised how painfully cringe-inducing it used to be and decided instead to create a much more interesting documentary on how London's rich kids have been forced to take on menial jobs in the face of the recession. 

That could happen, right?

Let's find out!

Episode 1: In which everyone deals with the pressures of the recession by going to St Tropez. 

We begin with Quote of the Day from alpha-male Spencer Matthews:

I use 'alpha-male' in the sense that it sort of means 'first man' and Spencer has all the bullish charm of your friendly neighbourhood neanderthal. 

Out in St Tropez, it looks like having absentee career parents means that no one teaches you how to swim without a life jacket. 

"This is why I love St Tropez! Sun, sea, and swimming aids!"

Rosie and Louise sit by the pool reciting the advertising slogan of some bint called Victoria who wants to sell her swimwear on the show before moving on to talking about Spencer. Louise is worried that Spencer has interpreted their summer 'break' a little differently to her, as he has been 'kissing people and stuff'.

I think she means 'starring in his own reality TV show dedicated entirely to dating other girls and stuff.'

Her dignity is not lost though, as Louise claims she will not be putty in his hands this time and will be standing her ground. I bet that goes well. 

Back to Jamie and Francis who are going on a double date with Andy and Stevie on their yacht. Watch out boys, Stevie's cracking out the rosé! Mental times ahoy!

"Dude I brought a boat, I didn't bring girls." - Didn't even make that up, that's a direct quote.

In a villa elsewhere, Mark thinks that his wardrobe for St Tropez is entirely different to his wardrobe for Cannes in that, while they both feature silk and linen, the silk and linen he wears in St Tropez is different from the silk and linen he wears in Cannes or some utter bullshit. I think it is at this point I tweet that this show makes me want to dig my nails into my eyes.

Meanwhile, Victoria continues to try and sell her swimwear by continuously and unabashedly talking over him.

Then every rational, intelligent woman's sex drive shrivels in horror as Spencer Matthews oozes onto our screens. He introduces himself by saying 'Matthews, Spencer Matthews'. 

"Head, Dick Head."

He proceeds to have a 'conversation' with Louise which consists of odd remarks followed by intense staring. 

e.g. 'As you know, I've been sending you messages..."

...

Back in London, Ollie is teaching Binky to drive in a car that looks like Austin Powers threw up on it. 

"It's a shit car" - you're not wrong Binkster. 

On their double date, Francis, Jamie, Andy and Stevie are discussing how they just love girls too much: 

"I just love 'em, those girls. I love all of the girls." Uh huh.

This guy:

has a stupid name.

Oh great, back to Spencer and Louise. Why is every TV personality named Spencer always a terrible person?

Spencer Pratt. Never has a man been more accurately named. 

Louise doesn't know where Spencer's head's at if he's going to kiss other people. It seems fairly obvious his head will be attached to the heads of other people via the mouth. 

He responds by saying: "I, Spencer Matthews, am in love with you and would very much like it if you spent the night with me." which is posh for "None of the girls on The Bachelor would sleep with me because I am an insufferable tit, wanna shag?"

Congrats on standing your ground Louise. 

Back on the yacht, the party is hotting up...

Jamie explains his tedious love triangle with Spencer and Louise. Andy does the only thing a good friend can do in that situation and explains that he would also like to tap that. 

The witches coven that is Binky, Ollie and Cheska are meeting another guy with intolerably long hair and his girlfriend who is called Ian The. 

Ian The what? You need an adjective. 

OLLIE HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT EVERYONE: He's cutting his hair. 

You'd get the same reaction if you told them their parents had been lost during an avalanche in Val d'Isère. 

Andy is putting his 'tap that' moves on Louise by entering stage right and 'bumping' into her.

  

"You're Louise aren't you?" "What are you talking about? You know I am, we were chatting for like an hour before filming this morning..."

The male attempts to attract the female by repeatedly flaring its nostrils.

...and engaging her in the sort of banter you had with the first member of the opposite sex you ever tried to flirt with (e.g. "You're scary.")

OH MY GOD OLLIE'S ACTUALLY GOING TO CUT HIS HAIR. 

Off with his head! I mean hair.

Yet more awkward swimwear advertising at a pool party in St Tropez. Jamie warns Andy to stay away from Louise, not because he used to be in love with her but because Spencer is a polar bear. 

Right on cue, a very sweaty Spencer appears and struggles to remember his lines. Louise pokes the polar bear's nest by telling him that Andy was flirting with her. 

"I'm trying so hard to care but I can feel my quiff melting." 

Ollie's hair is finished everyone, take time out of your busy day to come and have a look!

TA DA!

Ollie Locke, the only man who can have 10 inches cut off his hair and still look exactly the same. 

Spencer is on the war path! The polar bear has left the ice floe! 

"Guys, let me stand on the side of the pool so I look taller than him."

They have a really bizarre stand-off verging on a heart-to-heart, where Spencer starts to explain his relationship status as opposed to just knocking Andy out and telling him to stay away from his bird.

We find out that the 'creepy' thing Bob (I refuse to call him Proudlock) was painting earlier is this horrific mash-up of his housemates' faces. 

Or George Michael in his Wham days. 

They celebrate this travesty of art by throwing a party where Jamie attempts to broker a relationship with Binky like a business contract that goes sour when his friends turn up and whisk her away.

Do up your shirt, dye your hair a normal colour and I'll get back to you. 

At the world's most awkward dinner, Cheska accuses Ollie of having a breakdown because he got his hair cut.

Chill out guys, he's not Samson. 

The episode ends back at Jamie's party where a hilarious argument begins when Spencer finds Andy talking to Louise on the roof terrace.

Actual transcript (I kid you not):

S: You need to fucking leave.
A: I'm not leaving.
S: Leave the roof terrace.
A: Oh right, I'll leave the roof terrace but not the party.
S: Yeah leave the fucking roof terrace.

A: I'm leaving the terrace alright?

S: Please leave the terrace.

If I was Louise I wouldn't have made it that far before I threw myself off the roof terrace instead. 

Episode 2: In which a number of hideous dates happen and very little else. 

This episode's Quote Of The Day is sponsored by future poet laureate, Andy:

The more you watch Made In Chelsea... you want to self harm more. 

The coven meet up for a chat in which Binky decides to set up the terminally single Cheska with Stevie. 

Not desperate at all. 

Spencer gets caught kerb-crawling.

...but also successfully scores a gym date with Stevie. 

And Jamie treats Binky to every girl's dream date: Golf. 

The socks were a good idea.

Ian The is back! Along with her boyfriend who looks like the beast in Beauty and the Beast after he's not the beast anymore. 

Ian The Richard?

They're helping Ollie organise a date, which apparently requires paperwork. 

Not content with stealing Louise off Spencer (who stole Louise off Jamie), Sam and Andy are going to try and steal Binky off Jamie too. At least I take it that's what happens when you crash someone's golf date. 

Surprise! It's the two-headed arse hole. 

Sam and Binky sort out a double date right in front of Jamie because Jamie is pathetic. 

Spencer's gym date with Stevie is going exactly how one might expect. 

Like this.

And like this.

Uh oh, Andy's calling Stevie while Stevie is hanging out with Spencer BY PURE CHANCE! 

Apparently, although Spencer wanted Andy to get the fuck off the roof terrace, he also now wants him to come to his birthday party. 

Francis, Jamie and Bob look for a birthday present for Spencer in a sex shop.

That'll do.

...and engage in some nipple tassel modelling and light whipping. Jamie comments that it's like being back at school. Mmhm. 

Binky and Cheska discuss their upcoming double date and how Ollie's probably out having his hair cut again (that haircutting bastard). All the while, they have small trees rolled on their backs by women who probably don't get paid enough to listen to this shit.

How high must the temptation be to club her over the back of the head with it.

Then we have a double double date situation.

Ollie's date goes tits up when he compliments his lady's hair and she doesn't compliment his back.

You should never have cut it off YOU FOOL. Now you have lost all your powers. 

...and Binky's double date with Sam and Stevie gets off to a bad start because, disappointingly for Stevie, Cheska is a girl. 

Oh God it's like watching Elton John meet his wife for the first time. 

Back on Ollie's date, Danielle asks him what his relationship history is, like she hasn't seen this show before. 

"Well you see I've just come out of a rather long relationship with my hair."

Then it's finally Spencer's big birthday night and it turns out Jamie, Francis and Bob decided on the nipple tassels in the end. Yaay!

Gayed in Chelsea. 

The guests have random body parts filmed:

I can't get enough of watching rich people's shoulders. 

And Gabriella 'The Jaw' Ellis is back.

Also known as "Crazy Eyes Ellis"

Everyone seems to spend the rest of the party staring at each other over their shoulders

What is it with shoulders? The director has a shoulder fetish.

Binky and Jamie SNOG in close up which the music tells me I should be happy about but really makes me feel a bit sick. 

'Snog' is almost as bad a word as 'moist' and this looks like a moist snog. 

Then the whole sorry lot comes to an end and I'm never getting those two hours back.

Next time:
More over-the-shoulder staring

and that's it.