Before we get into today's post, I have an announcement to make.
No one knows whether or not this is due to my constant promotion (it is) but Fence is now so famous that he has actually been given a portrait in my local pub.
Congratulations fence! Looking good!
A big round of applause for fence please, everybody. I couldn't be more proud if I'd built him myself.
Anyway, on with the show.
Loose-y kissed Andy much more than a woman who isn't getting paid would.
She is getting paid for this right? I mean, it's just gross.
Herby braced himself for the fatal blow from Millie.
"Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est..."
And a floating head watched Bob and Sophia kiss.
A FLOATING HEAD.
This week's QOTD comes from Professor Green's girlfriend Millie Mackintosh, the Quality Street heiress that puts the toff in toffee.
Millie and her boyfriend Professor GREEN TRIANGLE.
Here are Millie's thoughts on some poor, unfortunate soul.
Since these are Millie's current friends:
...this anonymous bitch must be pretty bad.
Then we're off to the races! Rich People's Playground #1.
For some reason they just feel at home around horses...
Oh God, Jamie's got his own horse and he's called it Candy Kitten.
Imagine being a princess trapped in a tower and the only knight in shining armour that comes to your rescue is Jamie Laing on a horse called Candy Kitten.
I'd probably just throw myself off the tower.
Meanwhile, Bob and Sophia are choosing which horse to bet on. Sophia says she was going to choose number six because six is one of her favourite numbers, with a bafflingly conspiratorial waggle of her eyebrows.
"Six is one of my favourite numbers... if you know what I mean..."
Um... No. We do not know what you mean.
Bob goes for the 'Cringiest Segue of the Year' award by saying, "...and what are the odds of me taking you on a date?"
I'd say they were about zero to zero, Bob! I don't understand odds.
Andy and Lucy meet for a chat which mostly consists of Andy asking Lucy if it's true that she's a prostitute, or something along those lines.
"Yes. Yes I am."
Back at the racecourse, Francis hands Sophia some binoculars then smiles at her as though they were some sort of a sex voucher.
"That's how this works right? I give you binoculars, you owe me intercourse."
Fence! I was beginning to worry that you'd been fired after that raunchy photo shoot from the pub!
"They can't get rid of me, I'm the only black character."
In her apartment, Millie worries that she's being haunted by a vengeful ghost of Herby.
This is just the beginning.
Millie is shocked and terrified.
See?
Over-the-shoulder staring happens much earlier than normal.
It must mean that he really likes her. Or that Jamie is just incredibly boring. It's that one, the second one.
The nineties calls Jamie to tell him it wants its hairstyle back.
And things only get worse as he asks his friends for a second opinion on his 'do.
Someone in Chelsea follows the sound of drumming, only to find an unusual board game in their attic...
"They grow much faster than bamboo, take care or they'll come after you..."
Gabriella 'Crazy Eyes' Ellis is apparently rebranding herself for her new album cover, presumably as a call-girl.
Possibly the only cast member of Made In Chelsea that no one actually wants to see topless.
What do you think fence?
"I only ever go nude."
We find out that posh people eat tomato soup differently to us.
And, by the colour of his skin, it looks like Jamie has been drinking too much of the stuff.
His future is not bright but it certainly is orange.
The boys decide to throw a joint birthday together, then do a ridiculous dance to celebrate.
You're better than this Francis.
Millie is really excited about her drinks with Sophia.
Aren't you Mills?
Millie?
We find out that her earlier quote is in reference to Victoria, whom she would like Sophia to not be friends with.
You can tell because she's doing her 'Don't be friends with Victoria Baker-Harber' face. It's very similar to her 'I wonder if Herby's body will ever be found' face but you can tell the difference if you look close enough.
Elsewhere, Richard and Ollie meet to celebrate the fact that Gabriella has given Ollie full consent to write every detail of their sex life in his first book.
I don't want to read it.
Back at the photo shoot, Gabriella and Ian The are also discussing Ollie and Richard. Gabriella denies that she and Ollie are rekindling their romance, instead claiming that he will be the 'best maid of honour man' at her wedding.
Ian The is worried that Richard isn't a 'relationship person'.
Although he probably just doesn't want to date someone called Ian The.
Gabriella promises Ian The that everything will be fine and that Richard won't break up with her just as we cut back to Richard asking Ollie when it's the right time to break up with people.
"It's just... I mean, she's called Ian The. It's so off-putting when she asks me to say her name in bed, y'know?"
In another bar, Jamie flashes a leopard print shirt that's even worse than it sounds.
In that it has leopards printed on it.
Jamie, your shirt is hideous.
Yeah, you heard me.
"I wouldn't be seen dead in leopard print."
Sophia goes to see Francis, who apparently works in a Roman temple.
Sophia is upset and complains that Millie is being really catty to her. Since Francis seems to only know how to interact with women from terrible movies, he grabs her hand and tells her that she smells nice.
Pictured: not creepy at all.
However things go awry when he asks Sophia to lunch the next day only to have her reveal that she will be busy on a date with Bob at London Zoo.
"I see. Well, you smell terrible now."
Since it always rains when Francis is sad, it's raining now.
Here's a bit of a bike.
Do we think the producers use these inanimate objects as filler in the show or that they cut the scenes with people so they can fit in more inanimate objects?
Some new cast members are impeccably dressed in penguin suits.
What the hell? Um... Bob and Sophia, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to stay on the outside of the barrier.
Although, if that's what you're doing these days, I've heard the lion enclosure is pretty nice...
Bob makes the quite astute comparison between one of the penguins and Jamie Laing.
Good call.
In Binky's house, Binky jokingly asks Gabriella to sing some of her new album. Where most people would modestly decline, Gabriella says, 'OKAY!'
I wish this wasn't happening.
Even Binky looks like she regrets asking.
"I wish this wasn't happening."
It gets worse Binks, Gabriella's brought her latest photos around to show you.
Maybe just keep those hands there.
Oh it's okay, I forgot about Photoshop.
What would we do without Photoshop?
Here is a mirrored dog.
˙ɟooʍ
Lucy realises that the only way she's going to get through another date with Andy is to get hammered.
"Just fill it up to the brim."
Andy forgets that Lucy is a vegetarian and cooks Thai chicken curry. "That's okay," Lucy says, "It's an easy mistake to make, I just won't have any."
Just kidding! She actually says "Are you fucking joking? How many times have I told you I'm a vegetarian?" because she's a bitch.
Back at the zoo, this gorilla is unhappy about appearing on Made In Chelsea.
"This is definitely a low point in my career."
Then it's time for the standard end-of-episode party, which this time will be Francis, Bob and Jamie's Lost Boys themed joint birthday bash.
I predict lots of staring-from-a-distance and an argument.
The Neverland costumes go from bad...
...to penguin.
Sophia complains that Chelsea is just one of those places where everyone likes to gossip, while she gossips about the other girls in Chelsea.
Metagossip?
And we have it! The first stare-from-a-distance of the night.
One and counting.
Francis borrows some of Dave's tricks from Flight of the Conchords and tries to look lonely.
"Chicks are attracted to lonely guys. It's a psychological analogy."
It totally works!
Dave knows what he's doing.
At least, it is totally working until Arthur the bear cock-blocks him.
Francis isn't having any of that though.
"Don't be a dick, Arthur."
Sophia asks Francis to go to an exhibition with her. Francis says no because she is dating Bob. Sophia treats us to the best display of fake crying possibly ever seen on this show.
"Boo. Hoo."
Anyway apparently it's enough to make Francis feel bad enough to stop guilt tripping her about Bob and give her a rose to make up for it.
Unfortunately, Sophia does not know what to do with roses.
What are you doing?
We then watch Francis stare into space for exactly eight seconds. I counted it.
If you want to recreate the experience, stare at this picture and count to eight.
Uh oh, looks like Richard is going to break up with Ian The in the nicest way possible...
While being filmed at a large and public party.
We have the second instance of staring from a distance!
Richard finally breaks up with Ian The and Ian The finally gets an adjective.
Ian The Miserable!
And then we have the argument of the night and there's no prizes for guessing who starts it.
Uh oh, looks like some hapless underling forgot she was a vegetarian again!
The episode wheezes to an untimely death with a one minute and twenty second conversation between Sophia and Bob of which exactly one third is spent staring at each other and their general surroundings in complete silence.
OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP
Next week on Made In Chelsea:
Fence starts to feel the heat from the next-big-things snapping at his heels.
Victoria won't be impressed as Francis goes out wearing what is clearly a Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air shirt.
Sophia is sad when her attempt at a metal snowman gets wildly out of hand.
Andy hires an angel to smite Lucy should she complain about the vegetarian options at their next dinner date.
And it looks like even Spencer's hair is trying to escape him as it makes a break for stage left.
Fin.
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