X Factor Live Shows Semi-Final: The Rule of Choirs

Oh my god, can it possibly be? Only one more week left in this advent calendar of bullshit before we get to enjoy a (hopefully) Tulisa-free Christmas!

Ding dong merrily goodbye!

Obviously, my condolences if you're actually Tulisa's family. There's nothing I can do about that. 

In case you weren't aware, it's T's big week as she prepares to perform a single from her new album The Female Boss on live TV. How does she feel about that? Let's find out with a choice selection of quotes from her interview with the bastion of journalism that is The Daily Mail: 

'"I am really excited about the release of my first solo album. I'm also very nervous, it's kind of like two emotions."'

Uh huh...

'"I've been informed that I was the most Googled person in Britain," she says.'

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

'"I suppose a part of me should be chuffed because I guess any form of attention is good in some respects. At least you're being talked about, rather than not.'"

You heard it here young ladies: do anything necessary to ensure people are talking about you!

You just keep doing what you're doing T. Really, go ahead. You're such a good role model.

In case you missed it, there was also a great Twitter exchange between James Arthur and Frankie Boyle - because taking on a professional comedian on Twitter is ALWAYS a good idea.

Frankie: James McArthur is like a cross between a tramp and a duckling #xfactor

James:  Poor old man making yet more shit jokes about Xfactor because he knows that's the only way he can get attention any more #prat

Frankie: I think if I wanted attention I'd sing covers on a talent show, inked up like a schooldesk in remedial class

James: Your aboud as funny as aids.. Your a sad man and I can't wait to see you coz it's about time someone gave you a reality check

Random Twitter onlooker: At least Frankie has some talent. 

James: what you mean as apposed to telling desperately bad jokes? Perhaps you'd have gained more respect going my route

Frankie: "apposed"? I hope you didn't spell your own tattoos. I also hope Simon's demonic jizz boils through your vocal cords

Frankie Boyle: The 'Malcolm Tucker' of real life. 

Anyway! On with the show.

Apparently, this week 'the judges have lost their power as YOU DECIDE who goes through to the final.'

British public: "But we vote every week... I thought we always decided..."
Simon Cowell: "Shh British public. Here, watch Dermot do something funny"

British public: "Lol Dermot."

Speaking of which, how are you holding up Dermy?

I know. Still, only one week to go kiddo. Chin up!

That'll do.

This week's obscure theme is: 'A Song For You'. 

Who?

Me?

Yu the Great?

Are you not even trying anymore X Factor, or have all the credible artists just banned you from dedicating weeks to them?

Gary seems to have plain given up too, as he introduces Moany Maloney by saying, "It's those two words that send shockwaves of fear around the world - Christopher Maloney!"

"Fuck it."

GUESS WHO MOANY IS DEDICATING HIS SONG TO...

This random lady!

Oh right, it's his nan.

No man has ever loved anything more than Christopher Maloney loves his nan. 

OMFGSHUTUPISTHATMYNAN!?

Similarly, he thinks his nan is his number one fan. 

"Hahaha you don't have any fans! They're all voting for you as a joke! Ohh you always were a simple child."

Christopher is singing Track 16 from 'Now That's What I Call Funerals! 65': You Raise Me Up. 

Yu raise me up

There's no creepy laser eyes this week thankfully, just a slow-moving starscape that gently encourages the hope that Christopher Maloney has been rocketed into outer space. 

In space, no one can hear your feelings.

A faceless choir appears out of nowhere!

Because everyone knows that a song doesn't mean anything without a dimly lit choir dressed in black.

The judges are actually nice to him for once although Louis and Gary spend most of the time bickering about who the song is by; Josh Groban or Westlife. Actually boys, it was the Secret Garden Duo and Brian Kennedy - you really thought Westlife ever did anything original?

Waiting behind the scenes to perform seems to have got a bit much for the Twilighty one from Union J.

Who has an accident in the green room. 

Jahmene is up next and Nicole assures us that it's going to take a lot of courage for him to sing this song. 

Just like this time 

and this time

and this time

and this time

The guy gets nervous, okay, we get it. 

Jahmene ensures that no one can make fun of him by dedicating his song to his older brother who is dead. 

Dammit Jahmene!

He even takes all the fun out of Nicole who has to pretend to cry for a bit. 

She copies her facial expressions from emoticons. This one is :(

The song he's singing is I Look To You by Whitney Houston. Nicole tries out another emoticon. 

:'(

Another dimly lit choir dressed in black!

Is everyone going to get one?

Since Jahmene has told everyone that he sung this song at his brother's funeral, the judges are effectively rendered incapable of saying anything that isn't nice. 

Louis says, "There's no way you're going back to Asda, man!"

"Not even to make the most of their low, low prices!"

Tulisa is apparently clairvoyant now because she says she knows Jahmene's brother is watching over him and is very proud of him. 

"I see dead people."

Nicole says something about Baby Jesus coming down but everyone is really distracted by her ginormous hand jewellery. 

I'm no expert but I doubt the baby Jesus endorses knuckledusters. 

Next up it's Josh, Jamie, George and Jar Jar!

Oh what, so you guys are the only ones that can introduce new band members at random?

The boys talk about how gutting it is to be in the bottom two and realise that no one is voting for you.

They then decide that their song is going to be dedicated to their fans.

I guess this one goes out to you then, invisible people. 

Their song of choice is Emeli Sande and Labrinth's Beneath Your Beautiful. With the standard of spelling demonstrated by these two in the past, I wouldn't be surprised if it was supposed to be called 'Beneath, You're Beautiful'. 

I feel Union J are at somewhat of a disadvantage as the entire performance is severely lacking shadowy choirs. 

According to the Rule of Choirs -- which states that: Any act not accompanied by a dimly lit choir dressed in black is guaranteed to go home and which I just made up -- this does not bode well for Union J. 

Instead they get shadowy, front-of-stage octopi. 

Louis compares them to The Beatles, causing half The Beatles to roll over in their graves and the other half to not really give a shit because I doubt they're watching The X Factor. 

Jarthur's up next and will be singing One by U2 for his sisters. 

Who also appear to be the entire cast of Snog Marry Avoid.

The show gives James a tablet so he can Skype his sisters but he doesn't really understand how to use it. 

Which means that all they can probably see is this:

"No James... you're supposed to just look at the cam... oh never mind."

Since X Factor most likely want James to win, he gets a shadowy choir AND a band. 

La. Di. Dah.

Although he has had his guitar taken from him so there's a lot of great James-doesn't-know-what-to-do-with-his-hands shots. 

"I'll wave them around a bit down here."

"I'll wave them around a bit up here."

"Maybe if I hide one behind my back..."

"Actually, I'm just going to point at my head."

Once we've dispensed with all the flailing, it's time for the judges to lavish yet more praise on James. Louis thinks that, by this time next year, he'll have at least three albums out. This only goes to show how quickly Louis' bands churn out the shit they produce. 

Just in case you can't remember what happened half an hour ago, we have to watch a recap of all the performances so far before we finally move on to everyone's second song. 

The theme for this round of songs is: Songs you think will get you in to the final. 

Catchy. 

Jahmene has opted for At Last by Etta James, the very first song he performed on the show. This prompts Nicole to show him her very first audition on the American version of Popstars.

Oh my god, even she's not a proper famous person. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL ANYMORE. 

Production skilfully turns down the volume on the video of her audition although what we can hear sounds pretty dreadful. It seems she too went the Cheryl Cole route of 'getting-through-because-you're-hot'.  

Still, it's done the job and now Jahmene feels all fired up about the prospect of becoming a future Pussycat Doll or whatever.

This time, his choir is replaced by what appears to be a lot of people pretending to play instruments.

Is that drummer even bothering to pretend? Or just sitting there. 

Pretty much all of the judges call him 'Jahmazing' so, if anyone had any respect left for any of them, it's gone thoroughly out of the window now. 

Moany's back and wants to be 'fresh' and 'current' and 'relevant' and all those other stupid things Simon Cowell says, so he's singing... Michael Bublé.

Stop spending all your time with your nan!

He goes on to sing Just Haven't Met You Yet with all the skill of someone who's never heard the song before. 

Tulisa looks bored. Gary looks bored. 

Even that girl in the background looks bored. And slightly pissed off. 

Bore off, Christopher. 

Union J are up next and they apparently had a deal with Louis that, if they got into the semi-final, he would join them in wearing a onesie.

Is there anything more repulsive than a grown man in a onesie?

Hang on... isn't this the semi-final? And aren't Union J still in the competition? Oh no, I see where this is going... SHIELD YOUR EYES.

Too late.

I feel sick. 

For their second song, Union J are singing I'm Already There by Lonestar (or, as Louis calls it, "by Westlife".)

There's still no choir. 

Uh oh, it's not looking good for you guys.

Tulisa is worried that the performance was a little 'safe'. Since she didn't get pregnant from her sex tape, I guess she at least knows what she's talking about when it comes to safety. 

Then it's James Arthur again and he's busy telling us how the X Factor LITERALLY saved his life.

Unless you were literally hanging off the edge of that cliff and Nicole Scherzinger literally pulled you back up, then the X Factor did not LITERALLY save your life, you clot.

James says that he's not going to do his second song the way that it's traditionally done.

REALLY James, you do surprise me. 

Yes, apparently he's going to be singing a big ballad JAMES ARTHUR STYLE, which I've come to learn means 'just not how the song goes at all.' 

The song in question is The Power Of Love by the John Lewis Advert. 

If you were thinking to yourself, 'I bet he's going to sing it all dark and moody and angry in front of a giant broken heart with a falsetto note at the end'...

... You were right. 

THE RESULTS:

The results show starts with a little game of Where's Dermot?

I see him!

Before the remaining contestants sing Merry Christmas Baby by Otis Reading. 

Hang on a minute, I swear one of Union J just said "Please welcome, Rod Stewart!"

Surely not. 

Who let Rod Stewart in?? What you doing Rod Stewart!?

Get outta here Rod Stewart! Crazy old coot. 

Then it's what we've all been waiting for: Tulisa's going to 'sing'!

And that's quite enough of that.

Let's find out who's through to the final then, shall we?

THROUGH: 

James

Christopher 

and... 

Jahmene

Since there's no sing-off and no judges' vote this week, this means that Union J are sent packing.

You NEVER ignore The Rule of Choirs.

And that's that. Join me next week for THE X FACTOR FINAL which I won't be going to because TalkTalk never gave me tickets.

Whatever, TalkTalk, I didn't even want to go anyway. 

____________________________

This week's post is dedicated to Kate and Wills' unborn Royal baby. May it grow up to be the first monarch to publicly outlaw The X Factor and all reality TV shows with it. 

And Loose Women. 

And maybe The One Show.