BAD TV: Made In Chelsea: Series 6 Episode 8

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- Barry Scott sold Fran some hand cream.

"This cream is super anti-aging! I put it all over myself and now I'm a 12 year old boy!"

- Binky and LucyBot worshipped at the Church of Alcohol.

The cross is also handy for keeping Spencer at bay.

- And Andy fucked up his attempt to subtly give Spencer the finger.

"DAMMIT!"

This week's QOTD comes from affable Chelsea simpleton Stevie who, as we all know, is very very good with women.

NOT!

Then it's time for all out fucking leaf madness.

LOOK AT ALL THESE LEAVES WE HAVE IN LONDON.
You probably don't have leaves like this in whatever the hell place you're from.

There's really only one way this episode could get instantly better.

Woohoo!

As well as just so much fence and leaves, Spencer is stalking Andy and Stevie as they take Kevin for a walk.

Kevin would have warned them but he quite enjoys confrontation.

"YO!" yells Spencer like that's not embarrassing.

"Oh fuck that." says Andy.

"Oh fuck this." says Fence.

The boys bicker about Louise but I spend much of the scene staring with vague distaste at Andy's glasses.

They're just so round.

Sadly those 'Francis the painter' scenes from last week weren't a one-off and we join him once more in the studio.

This time he is painting Louise and it is no more entertaining than the time he painted Rosie.

"I can't take you seriously." giggles Louise.

You and me both, Weeping Lady.

Some tourists take a cycling tour of London's best sights.

"And here on your left, you'll see the infamous Fence of Chelsea."

This is a dog.

In case you don't know, this species is known as the big-eyed big-eared poshdog.

Elsewhere, Alex visits Jamie in his 'office'.

Where Jamie is doing some colouring in.

They make banal small talk while they wait for the director to give Phoebe her cue to come in.

Phoebe's outfit today is 'Why the fuck are you dressed as a cheerleader?'

Since the cheerleader outfit isn't weird enough, Phoebe has also chosen to accessorise with a tarantula.

Eight-legged chic.

Then Jamie gets upset that his guests have interrupted colouring time and everyone has to leave.

Someone's had a little too much excitement for one day I think.

Talking of excitement...

At Stevie and Lucy's flat, a conversation about Spencer makes Kevin go from trying to bite Stevie's stupid face off to instant boredom coma.

"So then Spencer said..."
"Zzzz."

After they're done talking about Spencer, Stevie informs everyone that there is a girl called Poppy.

"I can't remember if there was more to that story..."

There is more to the story! She is coming to a train station! Stevie might go there also! I can hardly contain my excitement!

Andy would like to know whether this Poppy character might have some fit friends. Lucy would like to know if the boys have any fit guy friends.

"Jamie Laing?" suggests Stevie.

"Hahaha just kidding. He's vile."

In another place, Binky and Spencer go for breakfast, except Spencer can't order because he's already eaten.

"I have to have my egg white and spinach omelette at 7 a.m. every day." says Spencer.

They discuss Binky and Alex's budding romance. Poor Binky says she trusts Alex just in time for us to cut to Alex being obviously untrustworthy with Phoebe.

You hurt Binky, I start making fun of your stupid Lego hair again.
Your move.

"Yeah Alex, you fucker." says Fence.

Fence loves Binky.

Back at Spencer and Binky's breakfast, Mark Francis turns up and informs the pair that he is having a Bach and Baroque soirée.

Binky looks absolutely baffled.

"The president of America? Here in Chelsea??"

Binky's dopiness doesn't end there though. She then goes on to informs Spencer that Lucy still likes him.

You can physically see his ego inflating.

It's raining guys! The rain is interesting to look at because it's in Chelsea.

You probably just have regular boring rain.

Andy and Jamie head to a cafe.

Where they practice their ventriloquy act with Stevie and Bob-shaped puppets.

The Stevie-puppet is still banging on about this girl Poppy. The boys chip in with dating tips.

"TUK TUK IT! CASINO! GUHH!" yells Jamie, by way of advice.

His backwards cap is giving him nineties gangster rage.

Meanwhile, Fran and Binky head to World War II for lunch.

Britain needs YOU... to talk about anything other than boys.

Things have got so bad for Fran that she is actually going to go on a date with Barry Scott.

Since that potential romance is so shit, she also tries to drag Binky's relationship down by putting doubts in Binky's mind about Phoebe and Alex.

LEAVE BINKY ALONE.

At the station, Poppy has finally arrived!

Stevie is so excited, he's forgotten how to not hold an umbrella like a weirdo.

Poppy looks very nice.

If not a little like Topshop Smurf.

Later that night, Barry Scott gets ready for his date with Fran by putting a £3 bunch of flowers in a beaker.

He's not known as Barry 'Great Value' Scott for nothing!

Fran turns up and manages to squeeze into Louise and Sam's tiny hobbit house.

Fran is only 5'4".

Louise eventually leaves after much mirth at the fact that someone's love life is finally worse than hers.

"Let's get this party started." says Barry Scott like a serial killer.

Then it is time to look at a lamp.

Luckily here is one just in time.

In a factory in Belgravia, LucyBot is having her scalp implanted with real human hair to look more believable.

Just don't ask where she got the hair from.

Spencer also turns up.

He's looking very pleased with himself for someone who has that haircut.

Spencer is presumably here to flirt with Lucy and is at his utmost slimiest.

"Hi! I'm here to have the slime shaved off the sides of my head."

I can't even bear it. Let's go back to Fran and Barry Scott's Awful Awful Awful Night of Fun.

Barry spares no expense when it comes to getting a kiss from his beloved.

He also informs Fran that she's got 'an eyelash that's come out'.

"Even watching Binky and Alex kiss is better than this."

Oh good, Louise has come back in again to look for her charger under the sofa.

Cilit Bang - BANG and the moment is gone!

Back at the robot factory, Spencer is still trying to woo Lucy and is still really gross.

FUCK OFF.

Also, neither of them seem to acknowledge that they are having their entire tedious relationship conversation right in front of this poor faceless hairdresser.

If you could see the hairdresser's face I imagine it would look something like this though.

Then it's time for Mark Francis' Baroque and Roll party.

Where these two actors are really starting to regret their career choice.

Everyone mills about looking very dressed up.

Except for Phoebe who has come as a Koosh ball.

Oh apparently this whole shebang is in honour of Mark Francis' birthday.

Mark refuses to admit his age, instead telling Binky that he's 'ageless'.

VAMPIRE.

In another room, Stevie introduces Lucy to Poppy.

In a scene that is entirely stolen by this floral phallus.

Then, hilariously, Mark Francis actually makes them all listen to a recital.

I somehow doubt this will be on the SUPER COOL Made In Chelsea soundtrack.

During the recital there is a really stupid scene where Lucy comes in late and has to choose whether to sit next to Spencer or Jamie.

I would choose to sit in a taxi that was taking me away from all these terrible people.

Lucy chooses to sit next to Jamie.

Although this could have more to do with not blocking the view of Queen Louise over here.

Having been snubbed by Lucy, Spencer goes to tell Phoebe that it's good they are friends and that they should go shopping or look at cars or watches.

Dates with Spencer sound even more terrible than I thought they would.

To be fair, Phoebe could do with shopping for a new outfit.

Then buying a car with which to drive this outfit off a bridge.

Spencer goes off to get drinks and Binky comes over to have a laugh at Phoebe's dress.

"LOL!"

Binky also would like to raise the question of Phoebe and Alex's friendship.

"He's the one that was heartbroken, not me. That's why I can be friends with him." says Phoebe.

PhoeBitch.

Elsewhere, Jamie has got it into his head that he wants to go on safari.

To humour him, Spencer says he will call up the safari company immediately.

"Yaaaaay! Safariiii!"

Then it's the next morning and it's so clear and bright that you can see Fence for miles and miles.

What. A. View.

In their house for ants, Barry Scott and Louise discuss Barry's date with Fran.

"I'm just looking for someone I can chill on the sofa with." says Barry.

His passion for cleaning products doesn't really carry over to his love life.

Fran is also discussing the date over sushi with Cheska.

Even Cheska finds it hard to enjoy living vicariously through this one.

Elsewhere, Stevie and Andy are in a guitar studio talking about Poppy. They decide to write her a really dire rap.

Stevie even does a little dancing.

Sadly, at this point Stevie confuses 'dancing' with 'Nazi salute'.

Outside, the producers continue to demonstrate their love for things beginning with 'B'.

Boats, boots, bushes and bums!

Then another two people meet up for more drinks in another place that looks expensive.

SNORE.

Jamie decides it's time to run his safari plan past Lucy.

"We're going to go to The South Africa!" he announces.

"It's at the bottom of The Africa!"

Lucy seems happy until he tells her they are going with Spencer.

Before she gets a chance to react... MOTORBIKES.

ARGH.

Oh right, this is Spencer and Phoebe's weird shopping date.

Phoebe's outfit today is 'Deaf Leopard' - as in, this leopard was too deaf to hear its friends' warnings about the hunter.

Spencer tells Phoebe she's 'friend sexy' because she knows about bikes.

All I know about bikes is that I'd like to run him over with one.

Back on Lucy and Jamie's date, Binky and Alex also turn up.

Jamie, Lucy and Binky all talk about Alex and Phoebe like he's not right there.

Maybe his magic ring makes him invisible.

Jamie would like everyone to chill out. None of this matters because they are going to The South Africa.

Also, Jamie says, Phoebe won't be there so everything's okay.

I WONDER WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.

"You should come to South Africa!" says Spencer to Phoebe on their 'friend date'.

I think the scriptwriter should go to South Africa and never come back.

Phoebe is uncertain at first but, swayed by the thought of all the animals she can hunt and wear, decides that she will go to South Africa after all.

Thereby setting the scene for the worst rom com ever.