BAD TV: Made In Chelsea: Series 6 Episode 9 - Whipsnade with a sepia filter.

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- Terrible Spencer faces!

- This weird bow tie!

- Blurry stuff!

This week's QOTD comes from the smarmy-countenanced one himself.

Fancy a bit of jumping into crocodile-infested water?

But we're not in Africa yet, chaps! We're in Chelsea where there are damn fine FENCES and LEAVES to be looked at.

FENCES.

LEAVES.

There are also PLANES.

HERE IS ONE.

Getting ready to board one of those planes are Lucy, Jamie, Binky and Alex.

If only it was terminal.

Just like in that programme Airport, the gang experience all the everyday fun of Heathrow including long delays, uncomfortable waiting rooms and overpriced coffee shops.

JUST KIDDING!
Obviously they pass the time by drinking champagne in some sort of Star Trek-themed wooden room.

Lucy trots off to eat gold-plated caviar, leaving Binky to question Jamie on why the hell he would invite Spencer on this holiday.

(Why the hell would anyone invite Spencer on any holiday?)

Jamie makes Hugh Grant noises about how he really likes Lucy but also that he couldn't go on holiday without inviting Spencer.

I can assure you, Jamie, I have been on at least 10 holidays and I haven't invited Spencer to a single one.

Meanwhile, these suckers aren't going to Africa.

Stop trying to make Sam happen.

Like all good Made In Chelsea people who don't get invited on holidays, they spend their scene bitching about the people who are going on holiday.

Back at the airport, the gang suffer a worse fate than someone joining the back of a Ryanair check-in queue.

This flight has been suspended due to inclement Spencer.

Then it gets even worse.

Like, 'Your flight is now cancelled and we lost your luggage' worse.

Meanwhile in Not-South-Africa, Fran turns up.

Rosie and Louise exit stage left, leaving Sam to give Fran a mix-tape decorated with a naked picture of himself.

Fran tries to protect her eyes but eventually, at some point in life, everyone has to look at naked Barry Scott.

Fran holds up the fake mix-tape at an awkward angle to camera so that we can see the fake song list on the back.

(The props department has even kindly added in SpellCheck underlining to highlight Sam's spelling mistakes. I say 'added in' because these red lines don't come out when you print stuff, IDIOTS).

Guys, you really don't have to try this hard to make this guy look stupid.

Fran does what any woman in her right mind would do when confronted with a mix-tape featuring Ronan Keating.

She breaks up with Barry Scott.

Someone's not getting Cillit Banged tonight!

Then we're finally in The South Africa!

Unfortunately, budget restraints meant the gang could only afford to go to the knock-off reserve for unwanted Siamese Twin animals.

Phoebe doesn't look very happy.

Possibly because she knows Spencer is beating her at Terrible Fashion Choices of the Episode.

Not that she's not putting up a fight though.

Phoebe's outfit today is 'Princess Diana with a dinosaur claw hand'.

A bit later on, a giraffe is affronted by Spencer.

"What the fresh hell is this? I thought these animals were kept behind fences in Chelsea." - Giraffe.

Despite all the beautiful wildlife and nature surrounding them, Spencer and Lucy see fit to just stare at each other.

Blissfully unaware that a wild Jamie has been stalking them the whole time.

After Jamie turns up, absolutely nothing happens. Everyone fails to get eaten by lions.

I'm feeling fencesick, let's go and see what's happening in Chelsea.

This is the kind of wild action I'm talking about.

German Sophie is doing something about fashion again.

This is really just an excuse for Mark Francis to touch Louise's boobs.

That's all Chelsea has to offer so we go straight back to the group holiday where, despite being in South Africa, the producers are somehow really struggling to find material.

"There are no FENCES anywhere, what the fuck do we film?"
"I dunno, try this mud."

Equally as fascinating as mud; Binky, Alex and Phoebe gather to chat about their barely existent love triangle.

Determined to pull off the episode's absolute worst outfit, Phoebe has now acquired Spencer's ridiculous sunglasses.

Then everything is fine with them. Hurray.

Phoebe even agrees to try and reconcile with Lucy.

You can tell she means it because she's doing her most friendly face.

Back at Sophie's fashion whatever, Louise invites the girls to a tarot reading she is going to with Cheska and Rosie.

That sounds like fun!

Yeah okay, you're right Victoria. It sounds fucking awful.

After their long tiring day of having mundane conversations they could have had in Chelsea, the South Africa gang relax with some food.

This is the food, in case you were wondering.

Since everything in South Africa must be a shade of sepia, Jamie and Spencer don orange clothes and head to the river for a chat.

Spencer has even kindly dyed his skin to match.

At the table of yellow foods, Lucy and Phoebe's making up session takes all of a nanosecond.

Phoebe's outfit is: 'You don't have to wear themed fancy dress everywhere you go'.

While the girls talk about the boys, the boys talk about the girls.

Jamie's only line this episode is "I really like Lucy" and he now repeats it liberally.

Alligators, if there's any of you hanging about, now would be a really opportune moment.

FINALLY someone brings in some lions.

Now FEAST ON THEIR OVERPRIVILEGED FLESH!

Sadly, instead of giant maneaters, Binky and Alex find themselves in the company of adorable lion cubs.

To my astonishment, even here during this once in a lifetime experience, Binky and Alex STILL TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

That's right lion cub, you look away in disgust.

All right South Africa, we'll see your lions and raise you a line of increasingly diminishing lamps.

LAAaaaaaamps

Nearby, the girls are at their totally scientific and plausible tarot reading.

"I see from Wikipedia and Episode 7 of Made In Chelsea that you're having some trouble in your love life."

Night has also descended on South Africa where the safari party has turned into a Safari PARTAY.

Phoebe thought they said Sari Party.

She and Alex attempt to have a conversation in torrential rain, which, as well as being hilarious, also helps to hide Phoebe's tears when he pretty much calls her a bitch.

Then they hug it out while Binky looks on with displeasure.

Queen Binky of Africa will set her lion cubs upon them.

Back at the Ta-woe party, the girls have realised that Tarot is bullshit and have reverted to talking about everyone on holiday in South Africa again.

"That group sounds like a fucking nightmare." says Louise, who is desperately upset that she wasn't invited.

It's probably for her own good. She is bite-size for a lion.

Somehow this turns into a fight between Cheska and Victoria about how they hate each other.

"I'm the least popular female character!"
"No I'M the least popular female character!"

We know who the most popular character is, don't we?

;)

Suddenly we're cast without warning into another random party filled with atrocious dancing.

Maybe you should just stick to making music, Andy.
Actually no, wait... don't do that either.

Andy is joined by Poppy and Stevie on this fake night out in order that they might bump into Vitalia, a Russian ~~Bond villain~~ girl who is apparently one of Spencer's extensive harem.

Stevie says dating her will annoy Spencer so Andy goes over to ask her if she'd like to go out some time.

"Pleasure to meet you Mr. Jordan. Please ignore my gormless henchmen behind me."

"Ditto."

Meanwhile in Africa, the gang are treated to some traditional music.

Which Spencer enjoys with all the maturity of a 13 year old on a school trip.

After dinner, they gather for more talking about their tedious affairs.

Binky's revelation that Lucy would choose Spencer over Jamie comes to light, leaving Jamie looking a bit tearful and Spencer looking smug.

And me looking much the same as Phoebe here.

The next morning, Lucy ponders the drama by activating her 'contemplative' function and staring moodily out over South Africa*.

*Whipsnade.

Some giraffes stare back.

"What the fuck is she looking at?"

She and Spencer get some alone time as the rest of the gang get into a car and drive around pretending to point at stuff.

"Oh look! There's Luton."

While they do that, Spencer is unnecessarily naked at Lucy.

Moobs like Jagger.

He says he loves Jamie like a brother then proceeds to slag him off repeatedly.

It's too early for LucyBot to deal with this shit.

Jamie himself has called Bob for a pep talk.

After saying 'maaaate' a lot, Bob eventually gets round to telling Jamie about Andy's date with Vita.

Bob is also naked as fuck, but let's not pay any more attention to these boring Francis-painting scenes than we have to.

Jamie wastes no time in passing this info on to Spencer that night at dinner.

Spencer fake laughs to show he's not annoyed.

In fact, he's so not annoyed that he then claims he will crash Andy and Vita's date and 'pull her in front of him'.

I haven't wished that someone would be trampled by a stampede this much since Van Pelt in Jumanji.

The date in question is actually already happening and it might not need Spencer to ruin it at all.

As the food arrives, Vita informs Andy that she is on a Spanish diet so she doesn't eat anything in the evenings except olives.

Because that's what Spanish people do.

Back in S.A., Lucy is feeling S.A.D.

That's why she's gone to bed fully clothed and with a full face of makeup.

Jamie pops in for a chat. They bicker about Spencer.

"God this is deeaaaath." whines Jamie.

This headband is death.

He then tells Lucy he loves her but Lucy says she doesn't feel the same way.

"HOW CAN I BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE ME??" cries Jamie, who doesn't really understand the word 'friends'.

Then they both cry for a bit.