Made In Chelsea: Season 5 Episode 1 - WHY?

Last year, I made the tragic mistake of thinking that Fence and I had put paid to this shit. 

Sadly, SOMEHOW Made In Chelsea has been approved for another season meaning that, not only are all the old bastards back, we now have new bastards on board who are just raring to thrust their full frontal frippery in our faces. 

I predict that we shall hate them all by the end of this episode. Let's see if I'm right.

Previously on Made In Chelsea

Some of this is actually news to me as I missed last year's season finale due to spending my time celebrating the second coming of the Messiah in which the Messiah shalt rain down hellfire upon those in the general Chelsea area (or whatever Christmas is about).

It looks like:

- Spencer unsubtly showed off his watch a bit

If that's an Omega, I fully expect Daniel Craig to appear out of nowhere and shoot him.

- Louise became so dependent on Spencer that she morphed into a small parasitic siamese twin growing out of his chest

"Now we shall never be apart!"

- Big Ben was just as surprised as everybody else that Francis eventually managed to kiss Sophia

- and, after finding out he cheated on Louise, MILLIE SLAPPED SPENCER!

Slapping Spencer Matthews - an activity so joyous it can make even the eternally deadpan Millie Mackintosh show some emotion. 

The first Quote Of The Day of the season comes courtesy of the great tit-head himself. 

This is what the world will say when we eventually get together and vote to fire Spencer Matthews into outer space. 

Season 5 Fence Report: No fence yet. 

Just the top of a bridge at sunrise. Obviously.

Season 5 Fence Report update: WE HAVE FENCE.

It wouldn't be Made In Chelsea without fence. 

At some hotel or other, Jamie gets really excited about the world's most underpopulated party. 

Three's a crowd, seven is a shit Made In Chelsea Party.

The whole gang is in attendance.

Including Bob in some shoes that make him look like the bottom half of a penguin.

Binky celebrates benefit cuts in the bath. 

"Fuuuuck poooooor peeeooopple!!"

And Jamie makes me want to throw up, tear my eyes out and kill myself all at once. 

Just... no.

Then it's the morning after the night before and we get to see what rich people's dressing gowns look like. 

They look like dead animals and misery.

An actor turns up pretending to be Jamie's accountant, who has come to talk to Jamie about his extravagant spending. It is the most boring scene yet.

If I wanted to watch people discussing their finances I would just go and sit in a bank.

The unsubtle showing-off continues until Bob appears (I still can't bring myself to use the word 'Proudlock'. It sounds like a Narnian centaur).

Bob has tiny shoulders.

The filler footage has upgraded from rich people's summer legs...

...to rich people's winter legs. 

Rosie, Millie and Binky gather for morning after Bloody Marys. Millie is relaying the tale of slapgate with all her usual vim and vigour. 

CALM DOWN MILLIE.

Back at the hotel, Jamie counts how many ways he is an arsehole. 

You're going to need more hands.

He's worried because he was due to move in with Spencer and Francis who are now not talking because Francis told Millie that Spencer cheated on Louise and blah and blah and blah and blah.

(Also, throughout this conversation, everyone keeps calling Spencer 'Spenny' when I feel 'Spanner' would be far more appropriate.)

The boys have made the wise choice to live with Francis over Spencer but are worried that he will 'kick off' when he finds out.

When in fact the correct way to react to anything Spencer Matthews does, says, thinks or feels is 'Who gives a fuck?'

It looks like more animals have been harmed in the making of Louise's wardrobe. 

Faux pas.

She's meeting up with Francis to drivel on about how finding out that Spencer cheated on her was actually really good for their relationship and how she can now fully trust him again, a sentiment belied by the frequency of her awkward, confused frowning.

Even she knows it's bullshit.

For those of you who were excited about Francis and Sophia's blossoming relationship: tough tits, it's over. 

Francis, who looks like he's struggling to give a shit, unceremoniously announces "She's gone". 

No one seems that fussed about finding out where exactly. 

She's dead.

Andy and that other one have met up at the appropriately named bar Babble to spy on 'Fran from uni', whoever the hell that is. 

Franonymous. 

Which one is Fran? No one cares. 

Fran 1 and Fran 2

Apparently Fran works in the music industry. "Yeah I've been to loads of gigs this week", says Fran. I'm not sure whether Fran just thinks going to gigs is the same thing as being in the music industry.

Quite coincidentally, Andy has gig tickets for his birthday and invites Fran and the other Fran to come along. The other Fran asks if they can bring their friend Phoebe.

"She's hot", clarifies Fran #2, for seemingly no reason whatsoever. 

Apparently though, confirming Phoebe's attractiveness was in fact necessary to secure her a ticket, as Andy and Stevie seem impressed. 

"Well thank God for that, Fran 2. Had Phoebe been anything other than aesthetically pleasing I would have told you to fuck off."

As the Frans walk away, Andy remarks that they are hotter than he remembers and I want to punch him in his gigantic nostrils. 

Since she hasn't had Spencer's permission to move, Louise is still sat at the same bar, despite it seeming like Francis left a long while ago. 

Stay. Good Louise.

Thankfully, her owner is here to collect her. 

They bicker about Francis for a bit. Despite all evidence being to the contrary, Spencer claims that he has always hated Francis. He didn't just hate him either, he thought Francis was 'an absolute twat. A proper Grade A dick head.' 

You sure you're not just talking about YOURSELF Spencer? Ooh nineties burn.

Here's a boat.

A boat.

Elsewhere, Mark and Victoria have strayed out of West London to visit the Design Museum. Mark is going to be the editor of a magazine, something he relishes because he claims he hates people who don't think about the way things look. 

This man, in this outfit, hates people who don't think about the way things look. 

Season 5 Fence Watch update: Fence. 

Fence.

Over a manly glass of white wine, Spencer tells Jamie he has to choose between him and Francis. 

It would be a tough and terrible decision to decide who you'd actually want to spend time with.

Out on a jog in the park, Lucy's hat makes her look like an evil Smurfette. 

Appropriate, seeing as how her life has the same male to female ratio.

The boys meet up with Spencer to tell him that they have chosen Francis over him. It's exactly like that scene from The Office where David Brent gets fired and tries to seem like he doesn't care while simultaneously pathetically begging for them to change their minds. 

I love it. 

The gang head to Camden for Andy's birthday gig.

Come on people, we need to better maintain our class boundaries. 

Andy looks surprised to see the Frans even though he just invited them to his birthday but six scenes ago. 

Maybe he's not been reading the scripts properly. 

The Frans have brought 'hot Phoebe', as promised. 

She's the one in the middl--oh forget it, let's just keep calling them all Fran.

In the wake of Sophia's death, Francis is lacking a love interest so the producers have rehired this one who might be called Ashley.

For a lamp-staring competition.

But wait! She's with Gay Ollie now! For God's sake people, date outside your social circles!

Gay Ollie is rubbish at being gay.

'Hot Phoebe' compliments Mark on his double denim. He replies "If you say so! When in NW1!" 

Excuse me dick head, I lived in Chalk Farm and I only wore double denim not very much of the time. 

Louise starts crying halfway through a seemingly innocuous sentence. 

Maybe she feels bad about stealing the Snow Queen's magic amulet. 

Millie disappointedly sighs that she's lost all respect for Louise. 

Mmhm.

Spencer confronts Francis with the phrase, "Can we just be men for a sec?"

I don't know Spencer, can you?

Poor, angry Spencer can't believe Francis has betrayed him twice.

Francis: Twice?
Spencer: Yeah, you ratted me out to Jamie as well.
Francis: Oh, you mean when you slept with his girlfriend?

Spencer: ...yeah well, anyway, keep your ear to the ground. 

Yeah... Good one Spencer...

"Keep your ear to the ground" - Don Corleone's secret threat of choice.

Neighbourhood Fence Watch: 

Fence.

The next day, Bob and Jamie go to the estate agents to sign the contracts for their new flat. At the last minute, like the world's shittest romcom, Spencer calls Jamie to tell him not to sign anything and to marry him instead!

Something like that anyway.

Oh no Francis has arrived!

He's signing the contract! 

Oh no Spencer has arrived!

He's wearing a stupid coat!

It's okay though, he's just here to stare awkwardly at everyone before marching out again in a huff. 

...Okay thanks Spencer, bye!

Oh for fuck's sake Made In Chelsea, you should WARN people that shots like this are coming. 

Time to throw up again.

Ashley arrives and says "I love being with you" with all the sincerity of an actress who has been forced on to national television with nothing but a towel and an idiot for company. 

"I am having so much fun here in my towel and with you in your pants."

In fact she looks as pleased as punch to be taking on the role of Ollie's new girlfriend. 

Oh sorry, I mean as pleased as someone who has been punched.

Meanwhile, Rosie has just found out about Margaret Thatcher. 

"We're... we're still going to stay rich right??"

Oh no, my mistake, she's actually just been informed by Binky that Spencer asked Lucy out on a date while he and Louise were on a break!

It's like no one learnt from Ross Geller's mistake.

Talking of whom, Lucy (not Ross Geller) is heading off on a blind date, which is what she calls standing in a bar with her eyes closed, spinning around and then sleeping with the first man she sees (but only if he already has a girlfriend).

"You're single?? I'm not interested."

On the way, she bumps into Victoria who informs her that Spencer and Louise are at the same restaurant. 

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES??

Probably quite high seeing as this whole thing is fucking scripted. 

Naturally Lucy goes and interrupts their dinner to tell Louise that Spencer called her the day after he and Louise broke up. 

Oh good, Louise is crying again. 

If you feel so bad about it, just stop wearing fur!

There's more enjoyable violence towards Spencer as Louise throws her napkin at him. 

Make it your wine glass next time Louise and maybe we can be friends. 

Louise cries some more and says she hates him. Like the ideal boyfriend that he is, Spencer consoles her, apologises and reassures her that he loves her.

Not really! He actually says "Remember who the fuck you're talking to."

A veritable Prince Charming -- in the same way that Joffrey Baratheon was a prince once. 

Next week on Made In Chelsea

- Spencer hopes to remedy all his ills by sending Louise this text

I don't even know what to make of this. Wubby sounds like something you'd use to wash a car.

- Bob deals with Spencer's incessant bullshit the only way anyone knows how

By going to sleep.

- In order to get upgraded from gig tickets to skiing trip invite, 'Hot Phoebe' steps it up a notch.

By getting out her Phoeboobs.

- And Lucy cries because there are no more relationships left to destroy

"No one has any girlfriends any more :'("

I don't know about you but I just can't wait.