Made In Chelsea: Season 5 Episode 3 - Did you know it was London Fashion Week?

Before we begin, I must issue a retraction. As a couple of people pointed out to me last week, that absolute aberration of a text message in which Spencer called Louise 'wubby' was actually sent by Louise!

Because the green ones are texts you've sent and the grey ones are text sent by someone else. 

No one has a clue what the blue ones are. 

Besides the fact that this makes me think unprintable things about Louise's self respect, it also means I am forced to apologise to Spencer.

I'm ever so sorry Spencer, I take it all back.

Apart from the time I called you an insufferable wanker. And a tit-head. And a farmer snowman. And a dick. And a domestic abuser. And said that you had a small penis. And that you ruin social gatherings with your mere presence. And that living with you would be worse than living with Joseph Fritzl.

In fact, I take none of it back except the bit where I called you a tosser for sending that text.

Except I still think you're a tosser.

Anyway, ONWARDS!

Previously on Made In Chelsea

Lucy demonstrated the safest way to escape from her company as swiftly as possible 

"Your nearest "Oh shit Lucy's arrived!" emergency exits are here, and, here." 

Gay Ollie mistook Ashley for Fred and then got stuck with his mistake

What happened to Fred??

...and Chelsea's resident Willy Wonka thought some more about sweets. 

Willy Wonky. 

This week's Quote Of The Day comes from Apparently-Now-Straight-Ollie.

Here's what I think about that:

The episode kicks things off with a bang, showing two buses about to crash into one another!

*GASP*

...aand then cuts to Prada before anyone can find out what happened. 

This is a fairly accurate representation of what rich people do in times of crisis. 

It's London Fashion Week, guys!

Did you know it was London Fashion Week?

Because it's totally London Fashion Week.

LONDON FASHION WEEK

It's London Fashion Week you know.

Victoria and Mark are talking about how this week is going to be manic and that they have so many shows to attend. 

God knows what week they're referring to. I can only assume from the word 'shows' that it's some sort of circus festival.

Oh, maybe they're talking about London Fashion Week. 

LONDONFASHIONWEEK

This lady:

...has yet to be squashed by Dorothy's house.

In the bachelor pad, Francis looks lustfully on as one fine specimen of Bob lounges beside him.

"I shall paint him like one of my French girls."

Jamie is mostly topless for no acceptable reason, something which Tara is attempting to avoid looking at.

Also, WHERE DOES HE KEEP HIS NIPPLES??

Absolutely nothing happens and then we're back to Mark and Victoria who are going shopping. Mark holds up an alligator skin jacket and asks if it's too much. Victoria says, "There's no such thing as too much Mark, look at me."

I do look at her, and decide that there is such a thing as too much not eating.

And too much pinning baby carrots to your cardigan.

Why doesn't she just eat the carrots?

They talk some more about how busy they are and how many exhausting leisure activities they have to contend with. Mark assures Victoria that they are not going to get any sleep and then they both laugh a lot for some reason.

I think maybe it's funny because the undead don't need sleep?

A dog!

Water pouring into a teapot!

 I wish I lived in Chelsea, everything there is so exciting.

Off to Binky's house where Binky is busy being so self-obsessed that she points to herself constantly.

"ME!"

Lucy is there too and Binky asks her what she's been up to. "Not a lot," replies Lucy. "It's Fashion Week isn't it?"

Is it?!

Uh oh, Lucy has something to tell Binky...

 I'm assuming this is going to be bad news for someone's girlfriend. 

Apparently, in Verbier, she and Jamie might have kissed in the hot tub... And by 'might', she clarifies, she means they absolutely did. 

I am quite impressed with this news since I don't remember her being alone in the hot tub with Jamie at any point. 

Was she hiding in Phoebe's boobs?

Anyway, she's excited to see Jamie later at some event called... London Fashion Week? Never heard of it.

Ohh, don't you miss that time we got to watch someone pouring water close up. If only that could happen again.

Yaay!

It's Ashley and Cheska, meeting up to talk about how Binky dumped the latter to be friends with Lucy.

I've just realised that this is because brunettes and blondes must forever be apart in Chelsea.

Ashley wants to talk about Apparently-Now-Straight-Ollie. She's worried about his sexuality. "What did he tell you?" asks Cheska. "He told me he was straight." says Ashley. 

"Lol."

Rather bizarrely, Ashley continues by explaining that she put all of Ollie and Cheska's DVDs in alphabetical order.  Cheska doesn't look all that impressed.

"What?! Binky would never have done this... I don't think she even knows what 'alphabetical' means."

Ashley finally gets to the point; she found gay porn in the DVD collection. 

"And I didn't know whether to file it under G for 'gay' or P for 'porn'! ... Or B for 'Butt Slut's Night Out'."

Cheska dobs Ollie in it by pretending it's not hers. 

"Noooo! You found that gay porn that is definitely Ollie's!"

Ashley is upset because Ollie told her he didn't watch porn. Cheska comforts her by saying, "What! Ollie is the biggest porn watcher I know! I've borrowed his laptop before and found gay porn on it!"

Cheska is the worst best friend ever.

Talking of gay porn... Here's Francis on a skateboard wearing a suit and pink goggles!

This is what gay porn is, right?

Ah, the goggles are Binky's and he's returning them to her. "Would you like to come in?" says Binky. "Lucy's here." 

In the absence of any appropriate Lucy-escape routes, Francis is forced to accept. 

"Release the inflatable life rafts, my afternoon is crashing!"

Meanwhile, more gay porn action as Jamie has sex with a rugby ball for Bob's amusement. 

"Oh yeah Jamie! I love the way you wear those tiny sleeping bags on your feet!"

My bad, Bob is actually just tossing Jamie's ball while they talk about Spencer. 

Filthy.

The boys discuss the ongoing tension between Francis and Spencer. Apparently Francis always leaves when he hears that Spencer is coming round, although in my opinion this is what everyone does when they hear Spencer is coming round. 

Back at Binky's, Francis tells the girls that he's been hanging out with Bob and a couple of smitten kittens, namely Jamie and Tara. 

"Who's Tara?" say the girls. 

"Jamie and Tara are boyfriend and girlfriend..." says Francis. 

You can almost see the moment Lucy's heart breaks.

Well, that battery in her thoracic cavity that she calls a heart anyway.

After establishing that the kittens have been smitten for quite a while, Binky reveals to Francis that Lucy and Jamie kissed in the hot tub in Verbier.

"You're a fugly slut" says Francis' face. 

"You're going right in my burn book."

Then we're back to the boys' where the tossers have been joined by the Chief Tosser himself. 

Still no sign of Laing nips though.

Spencer's come to tell everyone that he's going to end things with Louise because he doesn't like the person he's become with her. 

Yes... yes... it's definitely her fault that you're a horrendous shithead.

"Do you think she has any idea?" ask the boys. 

"I've laid quite a lot of groundwork." Spencer replies. 

'Like having sex with all those women, for example."

For some reason this conversation is interspersed with a music video of Louise wondering around London and just not having a clue about much at all. 

"The cat flap was open and I got out!"

So apparently there's this week? Of fashion? In London?

I have no idea what it's called.

Oh what was it...?? It's on the tip of my tongue!

No, I just can't remember.

After a lot of shots of weirdly dressed people watching other weirdly dressed people, the gang congregate for drinks. Binky and Lucy discuss a show they've just seen and Binky says she'd be too nervous to try and pull off some of the outfits. 

She says while wearing the torso of a gorilla.

Jamie and Tara walk in. "This is shit." says Lucy.

I know, right?? Yet somehow there's been five series. 

Why the fuck is Phoebe wearing a wizard's robe?

I wish I could Avada Kedavra her fashion sense.

Lucy wastes no time in disarming Phoebe with the fact that Jamie has a girlfriend, that she herself kissed Jamie and that Jamie told her he loved her.

EXPELLIARMUS!

Phoebe Disapparates elsewhere and Binky decides to call Jamie over then panic that he's coming over. 

Yes of course he's coming over Binky, you just yelled his name across the bar.

Seeing as she is terrible at social interaction, Lucy takes one look at Tara then shouts 'Where have you been hiding her!" at Jamie.

Lucy we are going to have to work on your believability as a human.

Jamie and Tara make their escape as Lucy starts wildly firing awkwardness at everyone around her. 

Back at the safety of the bar, Tara asks Jamie how he knows Binky and Lucy. He reassures her that they're both just friends of friends of friends of friends, even though Jamie doesn't have that many friends.

He then makes Tara pinky promise never to break up with him, which is the mummy's boy version of getting married.

This is different from the time he got with Binky. That was a Binky Promise.

Elsewhere, Spencer is on a bridge.

I wish this bridge was on the River Kwai.

He stops and has a little look...

But leaves everyone disappointed when he fails to jump.

FENCEWATCH! Somewhat unbelievably, this episode has managed to make it 19 whole minutes without fence! I was actually starting to get worried.

It's a fence miracle!

Inside, Ollie is tea-bagging his mug.

Tea-hee. 

Ashley sits him down to talk about his gay porn collection. She says she doesn't know how to say what she found so she'll go and get it. Yes! 

He knows what she's getting, just not which one.

It turns out that the one she found was 'Dream On Straight Boy'.

"Oh well, it could have been worse. At least it wasn't 'Das Butt'."

He comes clean (stop it) and admits that he is bisexual, before telling Ashley she can always borrow the DVD if she likes. After all, he says with a grin, 'Dream On Straight Boy' is a classic.

"Shall we move on from that conversation?" says Ashley, like a grandmother from the 19th century when someone makes impolite dinner conversation.

"Jeez, calm down. All I'm saying is, Cheska loves it."

Back to Spencer on the bridge.

Jump, jump, jump!

Things get tense as Louise arrives.

Wearing yet more dead animal around her neck.

Spencer begins by saying that he thinks they've drifted apart, although he doesn't know how this has happened. 

Probably because of all the sex with other women, Spanner.

Louise says she should have broken up with him months ago. I feel that saying she should never have gone out with him in the first place would be more accurate but at least she's on the right tracks, bless her.

Spencer tells her he was once in love with her but now he isn't. He said he would have done anything in the world for her.

Except not sleeping with all the women, obviously.

He claims that, by loving him, she's pushed him away. 

If there was ever a time to push him away, it's now Louise. Away off the bridge. 

He calls her manipulative. She calls him manipulative. He says he's not the one who cries every time they have lunch or dinner. 

HEY! That's not her fault. What else is she supposed to do when no one passes her the salt?

Louise finally realises that it is ridiculous to want to be with someone who doesn't respect her. And then Spencer says the worst thing a boyfriend has said to a girlfriend outside of Jeremy Kyle: "How do you expect me to respect you when you allow me to cheat on you?"

Then he makes this face.

KILL IT.

AND THEN LOUISE PUNCHES HIM TO DEATH.

At least, that's what would have happened if I was writing the script. Still, she does give him a hefty wallop to the face, making this the third count of enjoyable violence towards Spencer this season. 

I could only be happier if I was allowed to do this myself.

Louise marches off and then there's a break and then we're back to her marching some more.

She's been marching so long, she's marched into nighttime.

Spencer has also seemingly been wandering the streets 'til dusk, stopping only to text Jamie for some comfort drinking. 

Hey Spencer, notice how your phone has underlined the word 'boi' in red? That's because it's not a fucking word.

We cut to Millie's apartment where Rosie tells Millie that Spencer broke up with Louise. "That is horrible for her." sympathises Millie.

"Just so horrible."

Louise arrives and relays the whole story to the girls. She says that, during their break up, Spencer went crazy and started acting like an animal. 

Oh well, better kill him and incorporate him into your wardrobe then Louise.

Over at the bar, the boys are hearing Spencer's version of the story. It turns out, Spencer's version is that Louise lost it and he didn't say a word. 

I've said it before but I'll say it again, he does realise this whole thing is being filmed right?

The boys handle the situation fairly well. Instead of saying that Louise was wrong, Bob simply remarks "She should have said it all a long time ago." 

Like a wise Grand Vizier to an unpredictably violent Sultan.

Back to Millie's where the girls are telling Louise how proud they are. Millie says "I can't believe you're not even crying. It's amazing."

Bitch.

To make up for it, she tells Louise that there is a light shining out of her.

Although this could just be because she's sat in front of a lamp.

The next day, Fencewatch gets a bit harder.

Spot the fence.

This dog is having a bad day.

"Someone's stolen my car!"

Binky and Andy meet for cocktails. Binky informs Andy that Louise and Spencer broke up. Andy does his 'playing it cool' face.

"THAT NEWS DOES NOT INTEREST ME AT ALL."

Good for you Andy. It wouldn't be right to celebrate the heartbreak of the girl you care about just because it means you might finally be able to get laid, would it?

Oh, okay. I underestimated how much Andy wants to lose his virginity. 

Back at Ollie and Cheska's flat, Ollie's not the only one who's confused as this dog tries to follow his commands to spin round, lay down and sit all at once. 

"PLEASE! I'm trying my hardest! I don't want to go wherever Herby went!"

Naturally talk turns to Ollie's recent discussion with Ashley. He tells Cheska that he had a bit of a panic when Ashley texted him to say she was sorting out the DVDs.

"Did you not think about that??" says Cheska.

Yeah, duh Ollie! Did you not think about the fact that your girlfriend of a few weeks might sneak into your flat when you weren't there to rearrange your DVDs in accordance with the alphabet??

Elsewhere, things are back to normal.

I find this comforting.

Francis and Jamie meet for Bloody Marys. Francis informs Jamie of the imminent LucyBot danger. 

"Come with me if you want to live."

Then it's the standard end-of-episode-party device.

Rosie takes to a stage to inform everybody that it is now the end of this thing called London Fashion Week? I dunno.

Is that why you're now allowed to dress like a cranberry cavegirl?

"Thanks Rosie!" shouts Binky kindly, because no one else is listening. 

Oh God, LucyBot is here and she has murder in her eyes. 

Murder in her cold, dead, eye simulators.

Some really horrible outfit decisions have been made prior to this 'fashion' party.

For example Bob and his suit of tiny poos. 

Or Andy dressed in Aladdin's curtains.

Andy and Spencer have some sort of polite stand-off about having sex with Louise but all I can concentrate on are these women in the background. 

Are these real people forced to stand completely still for this entire party??
Or are they just prototypes from the Lucy range?

If only there were a John Connor-like hero around to liberate them.

Yeaaaah Francis! Although, in real life, this could be seen as less 'robot liberation', more 'sexual harassment in the work place'.

There's some really terrible banter between Spencer and Phoebe that is made even worse when Louise arrives and says 'It's good to see you're moving on so quickly, Spencer."

"We're just talking," says Spencer. "No SEX or anything."

"Oh my God, just keep smiling and maybe they'll leave."

It all gets so horrible and awkward that, at one point, Millie tries to kill everyone with her mind.

"If none of you are bringing Caggie back then you may as well all PERISH!"

The reason Louise has come over is to tell Spencer that she felt bad about the way they ended things and wanted to know if they could be friends. I am about to throw my laptop out of the window until she says 'but...'

But she has also just recently found out that he slept with someone else IN HER BED.

"So now I just want to be pen pals."

There's clearly nothing else to do at this party besides eavesdrop on their conversation as we get to enjoy Binky and Lucy's reaction to this news, Jezza K style. 

"Oh my GAWD, no way! Get 'im to do the lie detector!"

As if that wasn't stressful enough, Lucy is out to kill and she's found Tara. 

She corners the poor girl and proceeds to lay into her with a lethal combination of rudeness and bitchy faces. 

There's:

Then:

And finally:

Well there's your problem for a start Lucy: there's only supposed to be one boyfriend. 

Jamie comes over and successfully wards her off so she goes back to Binky to discuss her findings.

She also still hasn't quite got the hang of human emotions.

Lucy comes to the conclusion that, if she's going to keep seeing Tara around, she's going to have to tell her about Jamie's infidelity. 

"They seem so happy together," she muses. "And I'm just not the sort of person who can let that continue."

Luckily she runs out of battery just in time for the end of the episode. 

LucyBot: Out.

Next time on Made In Chelsea:

- This now infamous painting finds Tara's anguish amusing

- Jamie frantically tries to remember where he put Lucy's kill switch

- Cheska finds it hard to pay attention to anything Ashley is saying as her neck struggles to hold up this hair do.

- And Spencer wants everyone to know that the rumours are true...

"Yes. I admit it. I, Spencer Matthews, do have a tiny penis."

"Aahh! It just feels so good to finally say it out loud!"

Thanks for sharing, Spencer. See you next week.