Made In Chelsea: Season 5 Episode 2 - Contrary to what you might think, Verbier does not mean 'more verby'.

Big news this week: Made In Chelsea's very own Francis Boulle has publicly declared that he absolutely loves BAD TV and will give me five diamond mines to go on writing it.

I assume that's what he means by 'LoL'.

But have no fear dear readers, these recent developments will in no way colour my opinion of Mr Boulle, nor will they lead me to recount his escapades any less truthfully than I have done in the past.

Previously on Made In Chelsea

EVERYTHING FRANCIS DID WAS AMAZING.

Hugga-Boulle...

Lova-Boulle...

Adora-Boulle...

...Cover Boulle.

This week's Quote Of The Day comes from Lucy, a sex-robot from the future who has been sent back to systematically terminate all happy relationships on Planet Earth. 

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

It looks like the producers must finally be taking heed, as the show opens with an epic fence medley short only of a mash-up of eighties pop music and scenes of fence trying on different dresses for the prom.

Hashtag fence.

Tiny, high up fences.

Minimalist fence. 

Despite there being so many fences around that he could impale himself on, Spencer has yet to do the honourable thing. 

Instead choosing to make everyone hate him even more by wearing what look suspiciously like PVC trousers. 

The text that we witnessed last week, which I had hoped was a result of him accidentally sitting on his phone, actually turns out to be real. He genuinely sent Louise a text calling her 'wubby'. 

"I never reply because you keep calling me fucking 'wubby'. Also because you're a tosser. But mostly the 'wubby' thing." - Louise

Elsewhere, it's Moving Day for the boys and Francis decides to take the piss out of poor people by pretending that his worldly possessions consist of two skateboards and a teddy bear.

"Hahaha can you imagine if this was really all I owned? I'm currently being followed by ten lorries filled with gold."

He meets Jamie in their new house to discuss Spencer. Francis says that he doesn't like having bad blood.

Sorry love it just goes with being upper class. 

Andy has brought his nostrils round to take a look at the new pad. 

At one point he flares them so much that he gets stuck in the door. 

He's not just here to see the house though, he has a proposition for the boys. "Come skiing!" he says. 

That sounds like a nice idea.

"Tomorrow!" he says. 

What??

"I don't know, Andy" says Jamie looking worried. "I'd need some time to save up for the trip plus I'll have to call work and ask for some time off."

LOLJKS everyone says yes immediately because JOBS ARE FOR MUGS.

...and the mentally capable. 

This shop...

...has two very inefficient doormen. 

Meanwhile, Cheska, Ollie and his sham-wife Ashley meet for croissants. 

Smeared with the blood of peasants. 

Binky arrives and doesn't air-kiss anyone. I'm pretty sure this is a crime punishable by death in Chelsea. 

Everything gets even more awkward when she declares that she's here to see Lucy right in front of ex-best-friend Cheska. Why are these two not friends anymore? 

It can't possibly be that Cheska's got a boyfriend, there must be another reason.

Lucy arrives at the same time this hatted woman on the right realises she's in shot. 

"FUCK! SMILE!"

Binky and Lucy are left with two options: go somewhere else and escape the awkwardness...

...orrrr sit right behind Ollie, Cheska and Ashley and bitch about them loudly. 

When they're done talking about the people a mere two tables away, Binky and Lucy go back to talking about Spencer's post-Louise phone call to Lucy and how they shouldn't tell Louise because fuck knows global warming's giving us enough flooding without Louise adding to it with her endless tears. 

This would be fine had Lucy not already told Louise at the end of last week's episode. 

"But. My. Orders. Were. To. Bring. Misery. To. All. Humans."

"What happened??" asks a shocked Binky.

"Well firstly, she started crying." says Lucy. 

"Yes OBVIOUSLY she was crying Lucy, I mean what happened after that?"

Elsewhere, Bob has a studio for some reason. 

I would be trying to work out what it was a studio for, but I can't stop thinking about how much I hope he doesn't wear that stupid leopard print hat in public. 

As if Phoebe and the Frans weren't bad enough, we have yet another new person to add to the list of those whose heads we'll take after the revolution. 

I shall call this one Edward because of his towering Twilight hair.

This new character that we don't care about is being introduced as an ex-love interest for Phoebe, a new character that we don't care about, meaning that I find it very difficult to pay attention to their conversation.

In fact I spend much of this scene wondering whether Bob has noticed that his 'studio' has secretly turned into a shop behind his back.

HANG ON A MINUTE. I know these rich people's winter legs! 

The very same rich people's winter legs from last week. You're getting lazy MIC. 

Don't try and distract us with upside down rich people from above, we know what you're up to.

One of the Frans pretends to be on the phone.

While some nearby Frans watch her get her feet washed. 

It was pretend Andy on the fake phone! The script tells Fran that he's inviting them all to Verbier!

I'm waiting for someone to say 'Where?' but the other one just responds "Oh amazing! I've not been back there since my ski season!" 

Was that the ski season before or after you failed to cast the one ring into the fires of Mordor?

I've been wondering who will draw the short straw this episode and have to endure social interaction with Spencer Matthews. Turns out it's poor Bob. 

This is karma for the leopard print hat.

Spencer is feeling sorry for himself. First Louise won't speak to him after he made the teeny weeny mistake of cheating on her multiple times and verbally abusing her on national television. And now Jamie is going skiing with his arch-enemies Francis and Andy!

Never mind Spencer, at least you've still got the fact that you're an insufferable wanker.

Andy and Jamie have gone to a ski shop to pick up everything they need for their trip. 

I don't know how posh people ski but apparently it only requires one leg as none of their ski boots come in pairs. 

While they have an inane debate about which is cooler, skiing or snowboarding (just a heads up boys, the answer is: even a sport that takes place entirely on frozen water could never make you look cool), Binky and Lucy arrive. 

"I AM A FRIEND OF SARAH CONNOR. I WAS TOLD SHE WAS HERE."

Before the girls come into the shop, Jamie quickly asks Andy who he would pick out of Lucy or Binky. This suddenly makes me realise how weird it is that Binky and Lucy are hanging out as this is the very same decision Jamie made last year. 

"It's so funny how much of a dick I am!"

The boys invite Binky and Lucy skiing too and everyone's totes hapz until Andy happens to mention that the Frans are coming as well. 

LucyBot has been programmed to hate other women. LucyBot is not pleased. 

Lucy reckons Olivia has a problem with her. Lucy thinks everyone has a problem with her. Everyone does have a problem with Lucy. Who the hell is Olivia??

The girls leave before anyone can hit Lucy's 'off' switch.

Bob ruins all the fun by calling Jamie to be a whiny little bitch about Spencer's 'feelings'. 

Boooooo shut up Bob.

We're finally off on the skiing holiday and it turns out Verbier consists of one Christmas tree and a million tiny Monopoly houses. 

What is this? A ski resort for ants? 

It's alright though 'cause they have fences here too. 

There's no fence like snow fence. 

The gang are having a chat on the slopes. Once again I find myself distracted, this time by Francis attempting to get his goggles on the right way round. 

Nope!

Nope!

Yaay!

It turns out Lucy was right, Olivia does have a problem with her. No one is very surprised to hear that it's because Lucy tried to get with Olivia's boyfriend once upon a time. 

"That is so Lucy." says Francis. 

I return to you your 'LoL' sir. 

Back in Chelsea, all the losers who weren't invited skiing go to the pub. Josh Cullen tells Spencer he loves his hat but I'm hoping he means it in the way that, when Spencer walks off, Josh is going to say 'That is the ugliest effing hat I've ever seen'. 

Because, seriously, he looks like a farmer snowman.

They're talking about Andy's nostrils! Although I'm not sure Spencer knows what nostrils are.

Because no nostrils I've ever seen look anything like that. 

Maybe you should pay more attention to all that David Attenborough you've been watching, Spencer. 

Oh shiit the slapper has arrived! 

And she's brought Millie! 

I'm starting to get really tired of the 'bumping into each other at a bar' plot device. There's a perfectly good recession going on, why can't they all start bumping into each other at the job centre?

Their arrival spurs Bob to ask Spencer if Louise is still friends with everyone. Spencer says they were horrible to Louise, they even made her cry. 

Now be fair Spencer, that could just as easily have been triggered by someone saying 'How are you?', a picture of a puppy, or a passing particle of dust bumping into her face. 

Louise cries a lot, is what I'm saying.

Spencer decides to walk his ridiculous jumper right over there and apologise to Rosie BUT NOT MILLIE. In fact, he declares, he doesn't give a shit about Millie.

Oh, you insubordinate wartime farmhand!

Spencer starts to raise the point that he didn't say anything to Millie when she cheated on his best friend but is forced to withdraw when she employs her natural defence mechanism of fog-horning him until he goes away. 

"HOOOOOOOOOONK."

Back in Verbier, everyone on the ski trip is terrible at skiing. 

I thought these people were supposed to come out of the womb skiing. 

Since it's too cold to get out her Phoeboobs just yet, Phoebe has grown an impressive mane to intimidate nearby females instead. 

I wasn't lion.

Along the, 'They have the same things here that they do in Chelsea, it's just colder' theme, here are some frozen lamps. 

These lamps are way colder than the lamps they have in Chelsea!

After a little apres ski, Phoebe comes out in her rich people's dressing gown. 

They all own one.

And BEHOLD: PHOEBOOBS!

Except, to preserve her dignity for her, I've replaced the Phoeboobs with the look on Andy's face when she gets into the hot tub. 

Sadly, Andy doesn't pay my eyes the same respect. 

No.

No.

No.

NO.

I just threw up all my leftover Easter chocolate.

Jamie, Phoebe and Phoebe's boobs are left for a little alone time in the hot tub. They use it to whisper 'who knows' to each other over and over again.

I imagine this to be quite a lot like the first time Charles Manson met Susan Atkins.

It's the next day, and still no one's skiing has improved. 

They would have sent these in to You've Been Framed but £250 would only get them a cup of coffee in their local bar.

This alcoholic dog...

...is always prepared.

Binky and Lucy have arrived! Binky declares everybody to be looking very ski-ish. 

That's because they're skiing, you idiot. 

Unless she thinks 'ski' is a country...

Binky and Lucy introduce themselves to the other girls and Olivia informs Lucy that she's met her before. Lucy, in her own charming way, dismisses Olivia with a "Oh have you? I don't remember."

ROBOT LUCY DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HUMAN INTERACTIONS.

There's more stupid hat action from Jamie whose ridiculous fur contraption blocks the very few brainwaves he has already, leaving him feeling extremely confused. 

"Why is the floor here all white...?"

We head back to London and Bob's shop where he pretends to be angry at Spencer for distracting him from his 'work'.

What does he do here in this mysterious room full of clothes and skylights??

Instead of pretending that they are having an awesome time in Bob's weird white room, the boys give up all self-respect and mournfully scroll through pictures of the ski trip on an iPad. 

iSad.

Jake or Josh, or whatever he's called, is upset about Phoebe or Phooby, or whatever she's called. Spencer consoles him with the reassuring 'Shit always happens on the slopes.'

Pictured: shit on a slope.

To show we're back on the ski trip, someone inexplicably pours snow in front of the camera. 

...thanks?

The ski-ish gang are playing Flirty Fondue, whereby everyone has to stab each other with forks and then have sex in boiling hot cheese. 

I don't understand the rules of Flirty Fondue.

Whatever it is they're supposed to do, Phoebe is having none of it. 

Or she just understands that kissing Jamie Laing is going to have to be prefixed with downing lots of wine. 

Lucy sees something penis-shaped and just goes for it. 

It's a banana Lucy and it's behind you!

Even that doesn't make Jamie want to kiss her and the whole game comes to an awkward halt for everyone. 

Except Andy who is obliviously enjoying delicious fondue.

In more fence-based fun, we find out that Ollie and Cheska's apartment...

...is a fence.

Cheska mopes at Ashley about how she misses Binky. Right now I'm thinking Binky probably misses Cheska too as, back in the chalet, sex-robot Lucy has been reprogrammed to 'miserable bitch' mode. 

To make matters worse, Olivia asks to have a chat with Lucy about how that one time Lucy tried to steal her boyfriend. Lucy says she doesn't remember, which, in fairness, is probably true as there have been so many. 

We are then treated to a really boring argument which I will summarise for you now:

"You're a slut!"

"Yep!"

Phoebe comes over and touches Olivia a lot which is weird. 

"Oh my God, I will stop crying if you stop touching me."

Lucy starts to cry too, since everyone else is doing it.

Don't cry Lucy! You'll rust!

Since all the girls are crying somewhere in the chalet, the boys are left to their own devices. I imagine this happens to them a lot on group holidays. 

Talk turns to Jamie's lust for Phoebe. Since Francis is the Jiminy Cricket of the group, he reminds Jamie that he has a girlfriend back in London.

"What?!" I say.

"What?!" says Andy.

"What?!" says Jamie.

His memory recovers quite quickly when Francis mentions the name Tara. For a while he miraculously transforms into a young version of Boris Johnson being interviewed by Eddie Mair. 

"Uh, oh, er, urm, well, I, err... well yes all right then I suppose I am a prick."

It turns out he does have a girlfriend, who he claims is the first girl he's liked in four years. Sadly however, there are too many reasons they shouldn't be together.

Like the fact that he wants to have sex with lots of other woman.

He calls this being 'a massive commitmentphobe.' I could think of a few other words that would better end that sentence.

Francis can think of a few as well.

In case you were wondering who Tara is, this is her.

She's the one who's not a fence.

Jamie is back from his ski trip, just in time for Spencer to come and whine some more about Francis. Spencer says he can't believe Jamie has chosen to live with someone who's fucked him over. He says he would never do that to Jamie.

Only because no one would ever fuck Jamie.

Then just as quickly as it started, the argument is over. I think Spencer and Bob see that Jamie is becoming distressed and let bygones be bygones with a quick cuddle.

"Okay, okay, it's okay, Daddy's not angry anymore."

The boys move on to talking about Louise just as Tara arrives. This is the third time someone's knocked and the boys have yelled "It's open!" so I'm thinking some of us should get together, go round and do a little robbing?

After the awkwardness of the bar encounter, Binky has invited Cheska and Lucy to drinks to try and clear the air. Before Cheska arrives, Binky says she's glad Lucy cried on the ski trip because it showed she was human.

"YES. HUMAN. SURE."

Cheska turns up and begins the reconciliation nicely by saying to Lucy, "Oh. I didn't know you were coming." Lucy excuses herself to make a phone call, presumably to take a hit out on Cheska with one of the other Terminators. 

Binky is left to break up with Cheska by herself. Only Cheska could get dumped when she doesn't even have a boyfriend. 

You don't need her Cheska! She has the name of a domesticated house pet!

New characters thingy, thingy and thingy go for some magical woodland sushi. The only interesting bit is when it looks like Josh is having his chin tickled by a giant hand. 

Who's a good little talking quiff then!

The whole episode is disappointingly lacking a grand finale. Instead we get Jamie telling Tara that he flirted with loads of other girls on the ski trip. She responds by saying that she likes him a lot. I don't know if she didn't hear him properly or if she just went to the Louise Thompson School of Girlfriends. 

These women would make Emily Davison throw herself under a horse all over again. 

Next time on Made In Chelsea

- Spencer tells Louise it's hard to respect her when she allows him to cheat on her. Millions of people simultaneously wish that she would push him into the river along with all the other sewage.

...and, after spending more than the recommended amount of time with people from Made In Chelsea, this woman in the background hangs herself. 

See you next week!